How come I can be on a roll and then lose it!!! Wiley, you were right and have set me straight after my emotional faulter!
I spoke with my C yesterday, too. She gave me more DBing tips, ideas to work with. Same general advice, to be calm, back off, fill up my life.....she helped me analyze WHY I put the pressure on H....cuz of my vunerability since the week-end discussions....close to the surface. Yes, I have regrets about the last few interactions.
Last night, H came home....wanted to talk things through...we actually did have a good talk about it all. I said I would not stand in his way and needed time for me too, to sort things out. He said he understood my way of processing, and wanted our future discussions to be productive and honest. He said he understood my thoughts on boundaries. No more other talk about that. I just listened, nodded, and said we needed to figure out how to tell our kids. That I wanted them to know we were on the same page, so they would see that we both agreed to this arrangement, that it may help us.
Gotta go to the train. I'll finish this a little later!
Sorry.
Cindy, thanks for the feedback too. I've been reading up on some of your sitch too.
H also mentioned that people in his office can read his body language, that they are steering clear of him...walking on eggshells. He said he is NOT doing well and feels really lost. He said his eyes welted up today when talking with our tax guy....he told him our sitch...and wants me in the loop for everything. That I am not to be left out of any of our financial stuff and/or planning. He is really fair with me and generous, I'm lucky on that note.
Just wanted to finish up what happened in our talk. We both want our kids to handle this as best as possible. We are both very close to them and they to us. They have been very repectful and careful not to ask too many questions about how"WE" are doing....they know we had major struggles over the summer...they felt the tension first hand, for sure. Anyway, they cannot be in a position to take sides, feel sorry for either one of us....they need to know that we love them and will forever. That's huge. My C gave me some good advice on this one. Anyway, H seemed impressed with my thoughts on talking with the kids, together....giving them time to ask questions, process, etc. I said I didn't want to make any mistakes when it came to involving them. They are both in college, but we talk and see them often.
BTW, H did put a deposit down on an apt yesterday. I acted calmly, and said, "this may be a good time for me to sort things out on my own too." Then he wanted to talk furniture. To review his ideas and then talk more over the week-end. He is only taking basics, does not want to buy anything....except a TV. 2 chairs, bed, small table, end table and lamp or 2. We have old stuff and he will arrange to move it then end of Feb. (Which happens to be the week-end I visit my daughter out of state) That works for me, I really don't want to be around during the actual move.
After all that, he said "That was a really good discussion...we accomplished a lot. Now, let's try to lighten up, laugh a little, be compatable again, and just relax." We ordered take out, watched TV and everything was smooth, fairly comfortable.
This a.m. on the way to train H asked if I had anything more on my mind to discuss. I said no, we covered a lot last night and I'm doing fine. He seemed extra kind, friendly, tod me to have a great day. Waved while getting on the train.
So that's the latest. Think I'll back off of all the verbage for a while.....I'll be amazed if some of you waded through this lengthy post.
Quote: After all that, he said "That was a really good discussion...we accomplished a lot. Now, let's try to lighten up, laugh a little, be compatable again, and just relax." We ordered take out, watched TV and everything was smooth, fairly comfortable.
Excellent!! You followed his lead ... stuck to the topics he brought up ... validated ... and state your stance on the kids ... and he came back more understanding after weighing what was said previously ... and ended up feeling good about your talk and wanted to spend the evening enjoying your company! AWESOME!!
Well, like the All-Star you are, you rebounded quite nicely..
I would probably agree with your C and just let the sitch breath for awhile, let things settle, be calm, NO PRESSURE, fill up your life, make sure the kids realize that its not the end of the world, things like this happen, you and H will be fine in the end..
And then stick to that list of goals you set, and continue to make yourself into the W that is awfully difficult for him to stay away from.. because when pressed into duty, you can be HAPPY, STRONG, SEXY, CONFIDENT, INDEPENDANT, CARING, NON PRESSURING, WILLING TO GIVE SPACE, and perfectly capable of handling this whole situation in a manner that is conducive to saving your M.
I can sense the PRESSURE has been lifted, your H is feeling comfortable and at ease because he senses you ARE SEEING THINGS THROUGH HIS EYES and you are supporting his decision even if it doesn't feel right to you.
If there is such a thing as a LOVE LANGUAGE, I'm not sure there are any more effective than the one you are now speaking..
Thanks so much for responding these last few days.....I've been needing to be guided and supported and you were/are both there. Your words brought tears of appreciation to me and I sincerely thank you.
No big news at this point....ready for a breather from the emotional rollar-coaster. Having a much better day today. Thanks for caring so much.....it's HUGE!!!
You are doing great. I remember when my H left the 1st and 2nd time. It is really hard. The more you validate and agree with him, he better. You have already seen how he warms up to you by doing this. Keep it going!!!!! Great Job!!!! nik
Hey..Mooka..I guess I don't really need to add my 2 cents in, as I agree totatly with Wiley...BEEN THERE...DONE THAT.. LEt him have the space..no ultimatums..if he has a r while gone, then you will have to decide if you are going to ride it out and believe that in the end your love for each other might be worth it all..in the meantime, you move forward with your life...my h R with ff ended just afer he moved, and he has not had anyone else..of course over the past year I wondered if there was someone new..but I kept moving on..and we stayed friends..I think my forgiveness for h happened along time ago..as I knew that this was the man I had spent a good many years of my life, built a home, and had 2 great kids toghether, so despite what happened, I had to forgive hima nd myself in order to move on..and up until 2 weeks ago, I thought it was going to be on my own.
You are doing great..it is not easy many days..but keep going..
As far as your kids..our kids are 21 and 24..college, but still at home...I NEVER said anything mean about their Dad..I have felt hurt, angry many times, but never, never let them hear that come from your lips...my dd said she knew she would be ok no matter what we did, as she remembers growing up being loved by both, and that through all this we have remained friends..so please...don't say anything you might ever regret. I also believe, and not to pat myself on the back,that because they have lived with me that they have seen me become stronger because of it..and in turn have been ok as to what the outcome might have been..
So hang in there..the rides are about to begin.. Hey you , Wiley and me are all from Ill..I am about 60 miles from Chicago...
A little bit of everything over the week-end, but no real negatives.... (I've got to remember that!)
Fri night H went out after work for drinks (as usual...that always gets under my skin!) Anyway, I made plans and was not home when he got home. He got home around 9:30 (takes the train, so he left the city around 8:30)....anyway....he coyly asked if I had a good night. I said yes, and then asked about his day. "More of the same ....he always says with a grumpy look." I just poured myself a glass of wine, played with the dog and watched TV....tyring to be in a pleasant mood. He falls asleep...typical Fri night around here. :
Sat morning....we have our coffee and H askes my plans for the day. Nothing big, exercise, run errands, look at cars, etc. H want to talk about furniture for his apt. We walk through house, talk about it....I'm very cool, agreeable (he's taking bare minimum) and then asks if I want to go our TV/stero shopping with him and then he would go look at cars with me. I say fine...(keeping pleasant, mind you).
So that's how the day went. I teased him while shopping, as usual, he laughed and teased back some. We had lunch and and got along fine. He asked about dinnner plans....and we decided to do take-out and watch a movie at home (those have been our "dates" most Saturdays for 6-8 months). We drank champagne, ate dinner, He said "Happy VD...which took me off guard. Then we got somewhat intimate....our typical version of ML as of late.
Sun....nothing much said. Just pleasantries. We exercised got cleaned up and just before I left for church he wanted to talk about our R. So, I said ok, I can go a little late. We had a really good talk. H said he feels lost inside, that we are so good at maintenance together...even last nights intimacy....but he wants more than routine maitenance and needs to get "Unstuck" That is why he needs to move out on his own....face himself, by himself....and find himself again. H said "He knows I want the real H in my life, fully committed to this R and moving together in a forward direction." I nodded and said yes, that IS waht I want, not the partial H. He thinks it's unfair that I have to wade in this thick mud with him and he needs to figure this all out. He said, "You have been really patient with all this, you need to move on with your life, and us living together has not helped me to get unstuck" I validated, agreed, and said "this will be good for me, too...do also do some soul-searching and figure out what I want in my future." H said he does not expect to come home one the week-end for a good meal and our routine. He wants to take time and then make a plan for us to come together to have quality discussions. He suggested we both keep track on a notepad, our questions for each other, what we're wondering about, thoughts....so neither of us project and spiral in a negative direction. H said he was worried, cuz I have more time to think about things. I agreed that would be good for me, and assured him I plan to work more and keep busy....and to reach out to others in need, that's what I do best....help the underdog.
We also discussed more logistics....he's moving stuff the week-end I'm out of town with d. Who to tell, who not to tell. He is very private, and I respect that. H asked me if I would pick up some basics (shampoo, soap, TP, etc) next time I went to Cost-co....or if that was awkward, he would do it. I agreed, cuz I have to go anyway in the next week or so. Is that to accomodating? Or is that letting go?
He was happy when I said I would.
So all and all...lots of talking. I slept ok....that's a gage for me emotional well-being. This is hard stuff, but part of me really is beginning to feel a peace with this decision. WEIRD, huh?
My biggest fears are telling our 2 kids.....that maternal instinct kicks in. He and I are on the same page with that.....I just love them so much...and don't want any immediate repercussions in their well being. I will be with my D over a long week-end (without H), so I will process it all with her. It will be hard....but we are on a ski week-end, so we will be playing along the way. We will tell our S after I get back....may go visit him at college (3 hr drive) together....that was H's suggestion.
He cares as much about those 2 as I do....that's HUGE! He loves them to death too!
Well, any insights?? Wiley? KAW? LL? Cindy? Sue? others? I welcome continual guidance.
Let go.....LET GOD.
Mooka
p.s. Sue, your= are right ....you, Wiley and I do live within an hour of each other. I met Wiley last summer and would love to get together again....and include you.. I live in the LF area....north of the city.
Well, I think you did a pretty good job just going with the flow..which is all you can really do for now. For the time being, you just have to work through the logistics of the move, be as pleasant as you can, keep validating and agreeing that "maybe this is for the best".. and allow him to "get himself unstuck from all the thick mud".. or whatever he's convinced himself he has to do...LOL When they need to "find themselves", you just have to let them do it, and while they're doing it, make sure you're not too accessible.. ..Because once he leaves, one of the things that works to your favor is whether or not he will miss you. If he does, you'll be surprised at how quick "he finds himself"..and when you combine that with the other things we talk about..BEING HAPPY with things as they are, No pressuring or pursuing him once he's gone, using the time apart to improve your own life and do the things you always wanted to do.., be mysterious, don't always pick up the calls when they inevitably start to come..don't ask him what he's been up to..just let him be and BE PATIENT, it could be awhile. Just make sure you don't act in a manner that makes him think, you're waiting around...
I'm in the NW suburbs, always available for mini DB get togethers..as long as there is wine involved..LOL
You did great this weekend..I hear so much of my sitch in yours...him needing to find himself...telling your kids..
It does not sound like there is alot of anger between you..that is great..if you want to piece your m back holding on to anger won't work..it was so hard for me when h moved..I wanted to call him so he would not forget me..but the wise people around here helped me...my h was on his "train" as he calls it..and all thebegging..calling in the world would not have changed anything..he had to do it himself..and as you know that was almost a year and a half ago..so patience is the big word here...but you know, you said there was a peace about your talk and his move...it is a wonderful time to find yourself...don't stop living..grow to your highest potentials...work on where you went wrong in the m.. and while I don't take responsibilities for my h decisions, I did play a part somewhere in letting my m slip.. About telling your kids..I know how you feel ..it made me sick, cause I thought they knew nothing about what was going on, but they are not dumb...our dd sat there with tears streaming donw her face, and s said nothing..but h did a good job of telling them that this did not mean d, that we need to get to know each other again...that h needed space alone..and above all that he loved them and would do anyhting for all three of us...so keep your chin up, it is hard for kids of any age to hear that their parents might d, but how you react and interact with them, and as I said before what you say, will all stay with them through the journey...gotta have faith that they will be ok.
because when pressed into duty, you can be HAPPY, STRONG, SEXY, CONFIDENT, INDEPENDANT, CARING, NON PRESSURING, WILLING TO GIVE SPACE, and perfectly capable of handling this whole situation in a manner that is conducive to saving your M.
Mooka