Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Run and hide your crazy

Yeah, it seems crazy. But really, is it that he's crazy or is it situational? i.e. paranoia, low self-esteem, etc? As opposed to "odd", right?

The difference between crazy and eccentric is what? Money right? If you have money, you're eccentric. If you don't, you're crazy. That's how it seems to work

I work with a lady who's husband seriously thought he was the second coming of Christ. He believed it. He now denies it all these years later. Situational? I think so.

Stress is self-induced in my opinion. The mind is a powerful thing though, and it will not let you go happily along when your integrity is out of whack. I.e. your beliefs and actions are out of alignment.

Your H sounds more desperate than actually crazy, but only a shrink can evaluate that accurately. And even then it's a subjective analysis based on research.

It's been my experience that people under extreme stress for long periods tend to exhibit similar traits to narcissism, paranoia, cognitive dissonance and other "crazy" like symptoms.

He could be, but it doesn't sound like's certifiable. Sounds like he's a selfish jerk that wants to take short-cuts and the world owes him something because of all his wonderfulness he exudes.

I had a neighbor like that. Left his W of 23 years, three kids, and house so he could live the single life and make all kinds of money. He's still alone, not so crazy any longer, and the FBI investigation into his money practices is almost over. At the time, he was nuttier than squirrel poop.

And crazy people don't know right from wrong. I suspect your H does, hence the increase in guilt and stress.

Even if he is not, you're not obligated to endure his selfishness and being a jerk to you. Nobody does. You can find a way to not allow him to be a jerk to you and treat you better or you can leave. Either way, you need to understand your limits and what you're willing to put up with and not. And you need to enforce those boundaries once you've figured it out.

Just my thoughts,

AJ

MizJ,

Goodness, how is crazyville? That is a big thing to take on, as it sounds at least like your H would benefit from an appointment with a psych.

The thing is, if he won't go voluntarily, you can't very well truss him up like a turkey and bring him - although I bet you thought of it.

Here's to sanity - or who knows, maybe we are the insane ones?

Take care of you!

Oh Mz. Jay, your poor H is really suffering. These delusions seem to be worse than the older stuff you told us about. Poor man. It sounds like Ellie's H, like bipolar delusions.

You could try to talk to his doctor. I tried that with my H's doctor though, when he was so depressed that I was frightened, and did not get anywhere. They could prescribe medication for him, but if he does not want to take it, no one can force him. You can take him to the ER but he'll be very p!ssed off at you, and he will not be admitted unless he is a danger to himself or others. Seriously, if he seems as if he is going to hurt himself, call the police, but he seems harmless, just deluded. Maybe AJ is right and he is just flipping out a bit from too much stress.

I hope for your sake it is just advanced MLC craziness J. I feel so sorry for you, and for him. And for your poor Ziggy son too.

You're in my thoughts and prayers my dear friend. Hang in there, and give him real active listening and attention like you have been. Maybe that will help him.

Hello one and all. Thank you to everyone who took time to respond to my last post. Must say the "crazy" hypothesis is rather chilling. I will give all of your input consideration at the first opportunity.

In a bit of a rush, so sorry.

I just wanted to share the following article my S20 shared with me. Ironically enough, it was on my H's 55th birthday. The entire article can be found on Time Newsfeed (study-23-and-69-are-the-happiest-ages)

What goes up must come down: after our early twenties, happiness declines on the way to our mid-fifties; then, after cycling back up through our late sixties, it falls again once we reach 75. If you’re having a midlife crisis — brooding over life choices and unfulfilled ambitions — buck up, better days are coming: the turnaround point is 55, according to the study, at which point happiness starts climbing once more (though that second harder turnaround after 75 sounds a little ominous).

The bold emphasis is mine.

Could these be the dark days before the dawn?

Cheers

hahaha, you're always in a rush, poor girl! Well if the turn around is 55, maybe he'll start to buck up now! My H is 59, but he's always been a late bloomer. There's hope for all of us here, thanks!

Interesting. My H is 38.......I don't know if I can do until 55......hoping mine bucks up at 38 and a half! Haha

Mz, I am just gonna say it. Your h is on the crazy spectrum. Some of the stuff he says it just way out there.

As far as your obligation, well, that is your call. But, it seems to me, that it really is something he needs to get help for. You cant make him.

I dont think he is a danger to anyone. But I also dont think you should have to live with it if you dont want to.

I know you want to stick it out for this last school year. Do you think you can?

You are amazing, whether you think so or not.

And your h, well, the cuckoo has left the building. Just sayin.... LOL!

H initiated a lengthy R talk last night.

Wanted to make sure I knew that appearing down or sad didn't make him feel better.

I told him my feelings weren't being done "to" him, they just were feelings. That I was sad to see our marriage end.

H says "there you go being negative again. I have anchors here with you that will keep me here at least until the twins turn 18. And who knows what my frame of mind will be then. I might find another anchor by then."

J says, that really isn't the point. I'm sad for what I thought our M was. To know that it wasn't what I thought and that its over.

H, you are so negative. Nothing has changed. I'm still here.

Talk moved to past wives, current gf. OW's H found the letter I sent him in March. They are now "working on things". H snorted "good luck to him". But he was sad that OW told him she wouldn't be talking to him as much. And when H found out about the letter he was really mad at me and thought about leaving.

J, Why didn't you?

H, Idk

J, Where would you have gone?

H, Not sure, someplace local.

Told me he loves OW. Well, he says I forced him into saying that.

I did that by asking, "Are you in love with OW?"

H said "I'd say more that I'm in love with the idea of our sitch and all the memories with that."

I look at him for a minute. "What if there was only a yes or no answer for that question."

H, Yes. Tears. Says that wasn't easy to tell me.

More talk. More talk. Other OW subject comes up. I want to know how many. More talk. I still want to know.

H, 12 or 13.

Says they were all when he was in our short lived lucrative business. One night stands. Power trip. This news is oddly not as upsetting as it should be. I wonder why. Shock? Detachment?

H says I shouldn't be upset about the past. He includes OW in the past because her aching thigh letters were a year ago.

H says he spends most of his time thinking about his past and all the mistakes he's made.

I ask why its ok for him to think of the past but not for me to. H says all the OW were a part of his past and not mine.

H says I shouldn't worry so much about the future and what "might" happen.

I ask if I can't think about the past or the future, what does that leave me? H says the present. I say, the present svcks, what else do you have?

I realize H thinks I'm unhappy because I think he's leaving. He stresses that he has no plans to go. Reminds me that current OW wouldn't have happened if we had that pizza place. He says he even talked to OW about that and she agreed.

I explain that in my opinion the M is over regardless of his location.

There you go being negative again. Why do you want to rush things?

I'm not rushing anything. I don't want to be married to someone who cheats on me.

H sighs. You just don't know how things are going to work out. Stop rushing and see what happens.

H also says maybe this is just a natural progression in Ms. This is a dif POV from bomb drop when we had the worst M in the history of Ms. Funny thing is, at BD I didn't think that, now I'm not so sure. There seems to be a role reversal of sorts. H is trying to convince me its not that bad.

Breaking post

I tell H if our M was to continue its obvious we both need to make some changes.

H, "Oh, so you'd ruin everything with rules."

Finally its time for bed. H reaches for me to spoon into.

"Or don't you want me touching you?"

J, "I don't care one way or the other."

H, "You know I've told you that I feel most connected to you when we are sleeping. Why would you want to push that away?"

I don't even know what I said after that. I was past my limit. I'd been good, no tears at all for about 4 hours of R talk. But then I was fountaining. Just too much. What kind of person had I married? (Rhetorical, I didn't say this to H.)

H also said he's thinking of looking into becoming a long haul truck driver. It would be about twice what he's making now. But he says, that will mean I'm almost never home.

I would think that would be a benefit for you.

There you go being negative again.

WHAT?! How is that negative? You tell me you are so unhappy that you were thinking of leaving, and now you consider a job that will lessen the amount of time spent with me. It seems like that would be a benefit!

H, I didn't say I was thinking about leaving. I said I "had been" thinking about leaving. You put the negative spin on it.

Talk moves back to infidelity. H says "Did you read 50 shades of gray? I told him I had. He said well some people would consider that cheating. What if I told you I thought that was cheating.

I wouldn't read it then. Out of respect for your wishes.

H, "You're weak. All this talk about "emotional infidelity" makes me laugh. No such thing. Its no different than if I fantasize about the woman next door when we have sex."

Take aways from our R talk.

1. R talks SVCK! Anyone out there thinking that's what you need, WRONG.

2. H believes my upset is due to concern over him leaving.

3. Explaining that #2 is not exactly right, because I'm more truly upset over my belief that our M is already over, H calls that "rushing" things and tells me that I don't know that yet. I interpret this as H thinking "It ain't over until HE says its over."

4. I need to win the lottery. (Oh, one other thing, H says he can't see leaving me destitute. That he's not willing to do that. I guess, that does say something for him? But I'm not sure.)

5. H is not alone in crazy land. My plane lands in about an hour.

oh J, it's still all about him, isn't it? His 12 or 13 OW are part of HIS past, so you shouldn't think of them? He says you're sad because you think he's leaving, but should "stop rushing and see what happens" when you tell him you don't want to be married to a cheater? He thinks you appear sad to try to make him feel bad? 

This is the WORST thing "H, "You're weak. All this talk about "emotional infidelity" makes me laugh. No such thing. Its no different than if I fantasize about the woman next door when we have sex." Emotional fidelity is as important or even more important than physical fidelity, to me at least. My H could get sex down on the street corner. It's his closeness, his loving, giving all of his time and thought and affection to RT that kills me. 

"H also says maybe this is just a natural progression in Ms. This is a dif POV from bomb drop when we had the worst M in the history of Ms. Funny thing is, at BD I didn't think that, now I'm not so sure. There seems to be a role reversal of sorts. H is trying to convince me its not that bad"

Yes this is a big role reversal. It sounds like he's hoping you'll let him stick around "anchored to you" for another 2 years. And that the fact of his presence should be enough for you. 

But you are becoming detached and strong, and are considering what YOU want out of life. Which may or may not include him. But that's up to you Mz. J, not up to him. 

You did great DBing throughout this entire conversation. I agree with your points 1-4. But not #5. Don't let him drag you down with him into MLC la la land my friend!