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Excellent point about forgiveness.

Oh I have not forgiven the A just yet. I have told him I have to work on forgiveness for me as well because I don't want to carry around that burden like you have. H remembers and has not forgiven me for anything he says I have done to him in the past. Most of the things I don't even remember doing. I'm sure I did if he says so....

He often asks "tell me things that I've done". I said most things I don't even remember myself. I get mad, used to blow up, stay mad usually a few days then I'm done. The A is different. One of the things he criticized me for was blowing up. that is one of the things I rarely if ever do anymore. It is something I have really worked on.

I think if h lived with OW they would have been done a long time ago. Apparently everyone h knows thinks she's a b!tch.

I put the fireworks away. Won't be needing them until probably next 4th of July! lol

I think when you are trying to forgive you have to see that they are truly sorry and don't do it again. Right now I don't get that feeling from h so I can't begin to forgive yet. does that make sense?

There is no way your h doesn't find humor in you. Why repeat stupid stories? Wouldn't that make him look stupid? Is it Cadet that says believe none of what they say and half of what they do?

Great question Linda about the doormat. Waiting for the answer.

RH, in a way I think all of us, men and women all seem to like the one who seems somewhat hard to get. I don't know why.

Hey MizJ,

Finally caught up - lunch hours are a good thing!

So, I went back and did your quiz. I don't know about this:
Myself - Green - bright, soothing and natural
Others - Big Cat - sleek elegant and fierce
Sex - ocean - vast, changeable and dangerous (Too much Six Shades of Gray, maybe?)
Death - Empty Room - excited (hello! project!), alone, isolated

So apparently, I am a Crack Pot. No problem, just beware



I absolutely agree with this. I won't even say to a certain extent that I did not sometimes compare "real life" to "Hollywood" but I never threw away someone to do it. My xSO was the same: we needed to have "a song" (what for?), we should never argue, write affectionate things to each other and now he wants the white picket fence with the always affectionate wife and kids. In his mind, he knows exactly what that looks like and it looks like a Disney Movie. And as long as OW plays into that fantasy with cutesy texts, he's hers.

The fantasy may be different in the details for every MLCer, but one thing holds true, it is just a fantasy.

A fantasy they sure risk a lot for.

Hi Portia, you sleek elegant fierce woman you! Thanks for posting your answers to the quiz, they are so interesting aren't they? Excited about death huh? hmmmmm

How are you doing J? How sad that your H seems intimidated by brainy people when, as you say, he is one of the smartest people you know. My H has such a low self esteem now too. He's smart, he had a very responsible job until he got ill, he's nice looking, but says that he is a failure in life. That none of those things matter. Do you think this is part of the explanation for their affairs, and especially for "affairing down" with such a bunch of losers?

How are the boys enjoying the summer so much? Are they in camp or any summer programs? Hey why don't you apply for a passport? I had to get one for England, and it was easy, just print out the forms and go down to the Post Office. They will take an incredibly awful photo of you, and take care of the whole thing!

HaHa,

Those answers are something, aren't they.

I don't know if I am excited about death (although a true, good night's sleep would not be amiss!) but when someone says "empty room" I immediately start designing in my head - paint colours, swatches, etc! Nothing better than a home project, although I detest hanging wallpaper.

MizJ, I hope all is well in your world and that your nails are some funky colour.

Wishing you the best, always!

Hi all!

I have been busy... but now H is off to the casino so while the cat is away the mouse will post lol.


^^^ That is some really high praise!! TY rH!

You know, I read a book once called, I think, "How to Marry a Millionaire" Yes of course it was shallow lol. But, had some interesting things too. One that has always stayed with me is the notion that with every couple there is one person who is a problem - to some degree. The book advised gold diggers to "be the one with the problem" because that would keep the non-problem-partner (aka Moneybags) slightly on "tilt" and draw them to the problem-partner like a moth to a flame. And furthermore, the book said, if YOU don't have a problem then you'll be the one taking care of a problem. So, once or twice a year, the gold digger should purposefully... pick your poison. Stray, get drunk, have a screaming tantrum, shoplift etc. Conniving, sneaky and underhanded right? But also right as rain. Maybe I should have followed those "words of wisdom".

No, not really. Lol. But it is something to consider.

Wouldn't you though!!! Wouldn't I??? In fact, I find myself cautious to make changes, or set boundaries, because I wonder if I'm not acting out of a sense of retribution and vengeance. I can't yet separate protecting myself from wanting to lash out. So I end up doing nothing. Perhaps time will show me the difference.

Yes I understand what you are saying. I think what I meant to get across was not being eager to not only "forgive", but to "work through". I wish now I had let H believe the door was closed, instead of propping it open and dragging him through it by his hair. I ended up doing all the work and I think that wasn't good for anyone - or the M.

Portia! Portia the Big Green Dangerous Cat who dares death... unless there's wallpaper - then, not so much.
I'm so glad you are sounding stronger.
The fantasy thing makes ya' crazy doesn't it? My H compares me, unfavorably, to wives/mothers on tv, but not himself.
H, "Why can't you be more like her?"
J, "Why can't you be more like Mr. Her?"
H, "Don't be ridiculous!"

I am doing... not so well actually. IDK if this is M/H related, but I think I'm starting to have panic attacks. My mother had them also, so perhaps this is a hereditary thing? Whatever kind of thing it is, I don't like it.

I do think the low self esteem is part of the affair-down. Also the fantasy pursuit. I think the MLCer is so disappointed in who they are that they decide to be someone else. And they want to be an impressive someone else, so they need someone easily impressed.

The kids are trucking along. My daughter will be 19 on Saturday. That's just a crazy thing lol. And she is still having her drama filled life. S20 will be in a wedding Saturday. Funny to think of his peers getting married. The twins suddenly have a social life. Up until this summer they have been, not antisocial, but happy to stay home with just each other for company. Not any more. I came home to 5 teenagers sprawled all over the living room, playing video games. And, the biggest news, S17B (the one who went to FL) sort of has a gf!!

I would like to get a passport. In fact, its on my list. But right now I can't afford it. I am saving up for the zoo trip next month. I plan to get one without telling H because I don't want him to feel obligated to ask me along on his trips. But I want to be able to travel in the event of his parents ill health.

And Portia, my fingernails are naked. But my toes are painted "Oy, another polish joke" which is gold. I do not get the connection and am concerned that might mean the joke's on me. Or at least on my toes

Cheers!

Miz, I am so sorry you are having panic attacks. I have had several and I hope I never have another one again.

Now you know what they are, so it will be easier to deal with should you have another.

I think all the things going on in your life are coming to a head and bubbling over.

M, I think it's time to take care of you and think about making some small change in some way. Whether it be in your mindset, or GAL (I know you are working a lot), or in your sitch.

I think you are terrific, M.

The Layers by Stanley Kunitz

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.

When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.

Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?

In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.

In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."

Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.

I am not done with my changes.

Good morning all. I am up too early this morning. My skittering thoughts sent me searching for something to calm them, and I found the poem above. There is much in the poem that speaks to me just now.

How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?

and of course,

"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."

I certainly do hope I am not done with my changes. Because goodness, I don't want to spend the rest of my life "as is".

The scavenger angels idea is a little frightening to me! Angels as buzzards?

Anyway, just wanted to share.

Today is D18's birthday. Happy Birthday girl-child my Precious Princess Pea Pod. (She doesn't let me call her that anymore)

PS, uRworthy I think you are pretty terrific too!!

Oh J that poem brought tears to my eyes. 
"I am not who I was, 
though some principle of being 
abides, from which I struggle 
not to stray." We are not who we were, no longer secure in love, half of a long-time partnership, we are struggling and cast aside. Sigh...

I'm sorry you are having panic attacks, that must be horrible. Do you feel like your heart is pounding out of your chest and cannot breathe? That's how my patients describe it to me, and that's how my heart arrhythmia spells feel and it is frightening and horrible. How often do they occur?

I have decided that all of our Hs and their OW are given scripts on their first day as freshman in MLC High. The MLCers receive "MLC for Dummies" and the OW receive that book you talked about "How to Marry a Millionaire." They are all such good students and learn their lessons well :) 

This will be a busy day with your son's friend's wedding and dayghter's birthday. Hope it keeps your mind away from those scary scavenger angels! Is your H away at the casino all weekend or will he come home for the party? 

Do you feel like your heart is pounding out of your chest and cannot breathe?

Yes and no. I feel like my heart SHOULD be pounding, but as best as I can tell, my pulse isn't truly racing, it just feels like it. I become consumed with a feeling of dread, that something very awful is about to happen. And simultaneously I want to run away, curl up in a ball and hide, scream and rant, whimper and cry, throw up, and use the bathroom. Accompanied by chest discomfort and a sensation that the room doesn't hold enough oxygen. Oh, and sometimes my left hand tries to leave. Kind of waggles around, looking for escape. Symptoms come up without provocation or warning. Vary from a 2 or 3 up to IDK, maybe a 5 or 6. Maybe a couple times a week, sometimes more sometimes less, for about the last 2 months. I have so far been able to talk myself out of all but 1. For that one I went to bed.

My mom's were situational for the most part. She didn't like bridges or tunnels or elevators or crowds or feeling trapped. But then it became just distance from home for her, at one point she was never more than about 5 miles from home. It eventually lessened, but I don't think it ever went away totally.

So far I don't have that exactly. However, I have noticed for several months now that I can't grocery shop like I used to. Now, I get about a third done and I have to stop and go home.

Not sure what that's all about. Maybe if I ignore it it'll go away Maybe its the scavenger angels tormenting me!

Is your H away at the casino all weekend or will he come home for the party?

H is at the casino. There is no party - D19 is waaaaaay too cool to party with the fam. She deigned to open her gifts, and is willing to let us take her to dinner lol. But H is not hurrying home. Hah. We got into it (via text) tonight about just that topic. Well, more about the gambling and how his preoccupation with gambling was keeping him from getting home for a birthday dinner tomorrow. It did not go too well. I got, and golf mom would like this one,

You don't know what you are talking about. I would suggest you change topics.

And then it went downhill from there. In fact, it went back to that damn pizza place H had wanted to open a year ago. (If anyone is curious about the details of THAT example of how AWFUL MizJ is to H, let me know.)

And..... H's birthday is Monday. Here's a funny thing. When I was shopping for D19, I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT H'S BIRTHDAY!!! Lol! I mean, I've only shopped for their birthdays at the same time for 19 years now.... but this year completely blanked out. I was halfway home - with a third of my grocery list in the car - when it struck me. So, I had to make another trip today to shop for H. I tried to find a birthday card for him. But you know what? Hallmark just doesn't make a card with the sentiment I wanted to express So, no card this year. I was tempted, for about 15 seconds, to get a "Happy Birthday to my friend" card lol.

And, I made a "Banana Split Cake". Saw the recipe in a magazine. Why do I do this? Well, theoretically it is part of my 180 - putting more effort into meals and doing some baking. For instance, I recently made "Cheesecake Fudge". I got less than rave reviews.

Not only should you never ever make this garbage again, you should burn the recipe. And later, get me a piece of that garbage would ya?

So H's homecoming should be interesting. I wonder if he'll bring up the argument. He's always been "funny" about his birthday. For a sad reason. His nephew died on his 11th birthday. And now, on top of that, there's the post-bomb reality. And the internal debate... do I do nothing? do I do something? etc. Sigh. He's getting a pair of shorts and 2 shirts. And a cake.

Cheers

M, I dont care what your h says (and I mean that - LOL!) you are freakin funny. You crack me up.

Plain and simple - panic attacks succk.

As for what your h said during the argument. Plain and simple -he is an as$.

I give you credit for making another dessert. I dont think h should have any of it.

I think you are generous giving him the shorts and shirts and cakes.

I can think of a few things I'd like to give him. Just sayin....