My heart sinks reading this. This is my first post on this site. I just want you to know that I will be praying for you and your difficult situation. I'm so so sorry that you are going through this.
I have reached the point where I am completely comfortable with my decision. It is time. I am also convinced that she will never wake up as long as I am in her life stabilizing it. I am an enabler and she really needs to be set free to deal with the consequences of her actions.
At the end of the day, I can't have my children living in this environment. Since she won't leave, I have no other choice but to file. Thank you for taking the time to read my longwinded rant. I really needed to journal this. And thank you for your prayers. They are needed.
I am thinking about going home early to do laundry and try and find my wallet. I have some anxiety about what is waiting for me at home. But, you do what you have to do.
Thank you. The reality is that I am in a much better state emotionally, than I was 6 months ago. This site, the stories/advice on them and the books I have read have really helped me. I feel like I am ready to go down this road. 6 months ago, I wasn't.
I also think I understand my wife much better. Even treating me like this, I don't hate her. I actually still love her and feel for what she is going through. But, it is not something I am willing to tolerate anymore.
While I understand the boundaries you are trying to enforce here, SOME of your behaviors might be interpreted as controlling or abusive in the wrong court (such as cutting off the phone etc.). Also, it just spirals the two of you into a destructive tit-for-tat, and she's crazy enough to do you some harm, it sounds like.
I'm glad you called the cops - good to document anything you can. And glad you went ahead and filed - that's the only way you can really protect yourself in the long run.
Are you planning to ask for custody of the kids? Is W refusing to move out for financial reasons, or because she won't go without the kids? What advice is your attorney giving you on all this?
I haven't read your old threads, but it sure sounds like your W is in a crazy place right now (crazy MLC? Or crazy drugs? Do you have any suspicions of substance abuse or mental instability beyond the ordinary craziness of cheaters?).
What will be best for your kids now? They need to be your focus.
Crazy MLC - no drugs. I think there are emotional issues related to her childhood that she has never dealt with.
The lawyer indicated we will have 50/50 custody. She said that it is a very high threshold to prove that a mother is unfit, and my W's behaviour does not qualify.
I am in no way controlling or abusive. In fact, everyone tells me my biggest problem is being overly submissive. This is the 2nd time in our entire relationship that I have established a boundary and tried to enforce it. The first was when I started managing my own money. Both times, I got this same response.
I believe this is a legitimate boundary and it is not abusive to enforce it. But, I will discuss it with my L.
She always has to win, and if I don't take a vary passive turn the other cheek approach, it would spiral out of control. I have learned that over the years, but I am tired of being afraid of her. I need to assert myself on certain issues regardless of the conflict it creates.
My W refuses to move out for many reasons: 1) Money - she likes me paying all the bills 2) Convenience - she likes having me around to pay for the kids 3) Future custody/house - her L told her not to move out 4) She likes living in the same house with her kids
My L basically said that I cannot have any protection for myself or the kids until I file. I really wanted to give her space and try db'ing longer. But, I don't think I can. Nor do I think it is effective.
I'm not saying you're not justified, but just saying that a judge might jump to the conclusion that a guy who cuts off his wife's phone could be too controlling. Don't do anything that could be taken the wrong way by the courts and twisted around.
Filing sounds like a good plan in this situation. Does she work outside the home? If not, seems to me that until she gets an order for temporary support, you're under no obligation to pay any of her bills beyond the mortgage and keeping food in the house. I'd cut her off from the credit cards and checking account, find out from your lawyer what else you can do.
Keep in mind that she has a cell phone and can call anyone anytime she wants and that I just asked her to leave the house when she makes these calls. Also, I didn't cut the phone off, I just ended 2 specific calls that I felt where inappropriate. But, I get your point.
She works outside the home, has her own money and pays her own personal bills (her cars - 3, credit cards, trips, etc...). It is the household bills that she refuses to pay. Primarily the mortgage, utilities, 401k loans, home equity loans, house insurance, etc... Unfortunately, I need to pay these bills. I guess I could default, but that is not me. Hopefully this will be taken into account when we discuss who gets the home.
I seperated all of our finances in Jan.
I do worry about false accusations. She has already told our kids things that are not true. For example, last night after I unplugged the phone, she told my 6 year that "Daddy is not going to let us have internet anymore"
I am not looking forward to this process, but I am ready to move forward, regardless of the result.
Rock when ex and I lived together my L told me to change nothing. To keep paying for what I had been to leave ex to do what ever she wanted. This when on for about 1.5 years until she moved out. It is a hard place to be but I survived it and so will you. If you plan on discontinuing anything run it by your L 1st.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I read your story & have to say that your wife's behavior is atrocious. To have it go on in front of the kids is abusive. I was told that during mediation. I often sat back whle ex behaved like an out of control moron & the kids saw it all.
Since your older 2 are away - could you also give your 6 year old a "mini" vacation too - like a week at grandma's or something. Things are really escalating right now & during this time - it might be safer.
If it were me - I would calmly let her know that if you were to leave - she would have to take over the house expenses (ask your attorney about who should pay what) and GO. She should also know that by leaving - it will not affect your co-parenting since it is already a given that you will have them 50/50.
You need a separation with a solid financial agreement soon. You might push harder for full custody. What is happening is horrible. Document every single thing.
