Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Becoming Patient Man III - Moving Forward

glad to hear you are back & with progress PM!!

I wish the mods would take you off moderation.
Anyway, I'm glad things are turning around for you.

Thanks for your responses. I'm not sure if the moderation is permanent or what, so I'm just rolling with it as best I can. It's somewhat frustrating, but I realize I prompted someone to post an email address, and even though I didn't realize it was against the rules, ignorance of the rules is no excuse.

Regarding my sitch and the distance/pursuit dynamic, I almost kissed her yesterday. I just felt like it was the right place/moment, but I went against my instinct and did nothing. I definitely feel like she's - very guardedly - putting herself out there towards me, but I'm not sure how to (or if I should) proceed.

-PM

So my suspicions have been confirmed. She has been delaying us telling the kids about our D because she is questioning her decision and perhaps wants to work on our R. I strongly feel the kids have a right to know about the D - after all, they've been in limbo this entire time too, and continue to be - but I think the best approach for now is just to continue to give her time and space to think.

-PM

I do not have a very good antenna for picking up when women are interested in me, which usually means if *I* notice it, it's pretty blatant.

XW has been moving closer and closer to me. She is not the forward type, and - as I've pointed out earlier this month - have come very close to just DOING something because I felt the time was right. However, giving her space and time seems to be working, and this other part of me says that I need to let her be the one to initiate anything towards reconciliation. After all, the D was her idea and choice. If she is second guessing it, it's up to her to deal with it, not me.

In a way, I can see how that may seem petty, but I don't mean it in a petty or disciplinary way. It seems to make sense.

One of my sisters visited this past weekend. She and her husband agreed that XW and I are the "oddest divorced couple they have ever seen or heard of." As in, if they didn't know we were divorced, they wouldn't have been able to tell. My parents have said the same thing after their visits. So have other siblings.

So I'm slightly confused about things, but since I'm not on her roller coaster and am doing quite well, it isn't really bothering me. Just odd, I suppose. And I have a bit of an inner dialogue going on:

Me: She's giving you signals- do something...take charge!
Me: That could immediately put a perception of pressure back on her, and the absence of pressure is what has allowed us to get where we are now. It's up to her to make a decision as to what she wants, and then it's up to her to act on it.
Me: This IS her acting on it by putting herself out there in her own way - this is how she does it. She isn't direct in this area.
Me: In a normal situation that would be fine, but this isn't a normal situation.

Right now my default setting is to not say anything or force anything, but I find I'm getting closer to just asking her "what are we doing?" After all, there's still unfinished business to take care of.

Either way, I know I'm going to be awesome, so I kind of have a casual attitude towards it instead of the obsessively desperate attitude I previously have had. Wow...I do not miss that!

Thoughts?

-PM

Ahhh PM I do know what you mean

It is oh such a fine line and my advice is to lean on the side of caution.

I found myself relying on my gut and only when I was not emotional. You are right to not jump in and you are doing what I consider great by knowing that you may need to take a step towards her.

For me it is touch and feel, slow and easy, and such a fine line it is.

Don't move on emotion, but allow emotion to be there. Keep yourself healthy and take baby steps. Erase any expectations, as they will show and hurt.

Slow and safe, but listen and learn.

I would say if you feel like it is moving in a direction that feels right, no matter how slight, it doesn't matter what other people think! It's your field to plow, do it the way you wanna.<--I don't know where that came from, I must be tired.

Funny you talk about not knowing when women are picking up on you. My H used to be that way and we used to joke about it. Now he thinks he is god's gift to women. sigh.

I would just say if you feel like kissing, maybe a squeeze on the arm is the right move to make there. You can reach out with loving gesture with a safe non-pushy move.

I say if she is moving towards you let her keep going. She wanted D and she knows where to find you.

If you want R with her and you lift your hand too fast to feed the squirrel she could do a runner.

PM, you say she's sending you signals. You also say that she is not the forward type, so these signals she's sending may be the strongest signals she's capable of. I say respond to the signals (assuming you're still interested in her) and see what happens. Don't rush her into anything, but start sending some subtle replies and go from there. Good luck!