Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Completely lost

I am trying very hard to detach. Last night she tells me that she wants to go get pumpkins together, that she wants to join me in handing out candy on Halloween at our house like we used to. It was my old wife for a minute but I know the new one will be back.

I told her I'd look at my schedule and see if those were things I could do. I will probably go ahead and agree but I'm not going to let myself get wrapped up in hoping that her actions mean anything. They don't. They are just part of her inner struggle playing itself out in a way that I can't begin to understand.

It is so incredibly hard to turn off those feelings of hope that this will miraculously resolve. Trying to stay centered and not get pulled in.

Well the last week has been an incredible roller coaster ride. We had what I could only describe as a date going to get pumpkins and had lunch together. She continues to show up at the house twice a week to talk for an hour and go to couples therapy once a week (despite almost quitting that last week). I think she quit her individual therapist. The rest of the time, its little to no contact. I'm certainly not initiating contact... and frequently not responding to her emails until a day or two later and then with just a line or two.

In therapy yesterday she made it very clear that she is "happy" living in her crappy apartment. She seemed completely checked out of our marriage but then emails me last night to ask if she can have the dog for the weekend (I'm leaning toward "no" but don't want to make that a focal point for her either). Then she drops off candy at the house this morning and wants to come over for trick or treat tonight.

I just changed the lock on our front door. I also bought some boxes and garbage bags to start packing up her stuff and will leave them out when she comes by tonight. I'm getting tired of being treated like a toy she can take out of the toybox when it is convenient for her. I feel like she needs to fully understand that if she bails on our marriage, there are consequences (she won't get the dog, she won't get the house, she won't have me as a friend anymore).

I did make a few mistakes earlier this week - telling her I love her, telling her that I don't want to date, etc. Definitely a backslide but trying to stay strong. Did not reply to her request for the dog yet. Just feeling ready to shut it all down right now - no more visits, free access to the house, spending time with the dog, etc.

Well, I can certainly understand how you feel. If she has her own place, I wouldn't allow her to have free access to your home. She would need to learn that your have boundaries in place and that includes calling ahead or knocking on the door before entering your home.

Could it be that she is using the dog as an excuse to come over? Some of them will do that.

I'm sure she's happy as a pig in sh@t living in a crappy apartment. Why? Because she can do whatever she wants, when she wants and possibly just goes there to crash at night. I have a feeling she does not spend much time there.

Keep up the good work. So you made a few mistakes...we all do from time to time...just learn from them and continue moving forward.

Thanks Snodderly. I don't think she's using the dog as an excuse to come over - in fact its probably the opposite. I mentioned last week that I'd meet her half way (she moved 45 minutes away) to save her having to drive all the way here twice a week after she complained about being hectic with all our appointments. She declined and said she wanted to come to the house because of the dog.

I never responded to her request to take the dog for the weekend and strangely she never mentioned it when here at the house for two hours last night. So I guess she took my lack of reply as "no". She'd posted a picture of the dog on FB that was clearly taken by the OM so after that sting I'm inclined never to let her take the dog again.

I did change the lock on the front door, but she came in the back so that never came up. She didn't seem to notice or care about the boxes in the hallway. She did, however, manage to go upstairs and check out a bathroom that I am renovating (said it "looks nice"). She seems to do this when she comes to the house - I've never been a neat freak which bothered her and one of my 180's is to keep the house spotless (and got rid of a lot of "stuff"). She seems to be checking to see what I've done in the house and if it is still neat... She also will leave a dish or napkin or clump of dog hair after she pets the dog when she visits - almost feels like a test to see if I will clean it up before she comes back.

Last night was strangely normal. No relationship talk. Plenty of cordial conversation and laughing. And then she left. It feels so strange because all of the issues that are facing our relationship are boiling right below the surface but we just talk about nothing instead. Seriously an elephant in the room... I think there is a whole herd at this point.

My plan is to go extremely dim until we meet next week... I have plenty to do on the house.
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Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids
EA:9/24, S:9/24
EA on hold, MC 9/30-now

Your w could also be checking the house out to see if someone has been spending time there. If you are making changes, such as becoming a neater person, those changes will need to become permanent. They do tend to walk around and check things out and we somethings make a joke about that here as "marking their territory".

Continue doing what you've been doing and be sure you take care of yourself in the process.

I've been removing things that are "hers" or things like wedding pictures from view (mostly for myself, don't need the constant reminders) but I think that bothers her. Last week she said she wanted to show me a picture of her kitchen in her apartment (um, okay) and then shows me a picture of an artwork I made that she pilfered from the house and hung there along with a sketch of our dog (souvenir of her past life??).

Is it a bad idea for me to be removing that stuff from view? How do they react if it looks like someone was "spending time" in the house? I want to keep shaking things up but not sure if I'm doing more harm than good sometimes.,,

You have to be the one to determine what you want to remove or what you want to remain in sight. She's not living there currently and those items that you've packed up are in a safe place for now.

Yes, they do tend to take things from their past life because they don't have the same feelings about them as we do. They are just "stuff" and things that they liked. At least that's their feelings when they first leave. Some do eventually begin to like them again and the memories come flooding back later on.

If you have someone spending time in the home, they will become curious and begin making even more excuses to come around. Some will be happy that you are moving on because it helps to alleviate their guilt and others, will become very angry that you are moving on and not staying where they left you. It all depends upon the mlcer. No, you don't want to play games and have your home look like someone has been there when they haven't...games don't work...they will backfire on you.

Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better and that means removing items from view...so be it. That is one of the consequences of her actions and she'll have to get over it when she comes to visit.

I think this may be bomb drop number two. She's been visiting twice a week saying she is waiting for me to ask her questions. Since I'm DB'ing, I haven't prompted R talk but she is now forcing the issue, has written me a "letter" about her feelings and wants to meet about it (hasn't given me the letter yet). She seems anxious to get it off of her chest and I'm sure it will be about how much she loves the OM and how she wants a D (which she hasn't said). She'll probably be here in 45 minutes...

How do I approach this? Validate her feelings, right? Define boundaries? What else?

I know I'm not going to agree to D and I'm not willing to concede to being "best friends" if a D were to happen.
_____________________________
Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids
EA:9/24, S:9/24
EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now

The conversation may not even touch on her wanting a divorce, but to be prepared...listen to what she has to say. Remind yourself that what she is voicing about her feelings that they are her feelings to own at this time. She is looking at her life through the looking glass and she's trying to grow up in Wonderland, which means playing dress up for a while until the right personality/outfit suits her.

Listen and validate whenever you can. You can always say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Do not argue w/her because no matter what you say, she's going to continue feeling the way she is right now. Don't give her any additional justifications as to why she left. You'll know if what she's saying is memorex or not.

If she raises the issue of divorce, you can always say that you need time to think it through and that you are not willing to agree to a divorce at this time. Don't offer to start the proceedings...this is in her court to do.

Treat her as a friend that you've not see in a while. It's better if you can do that.

Good luck! Try to stay calm and keep your temper in check. Speak in a clear, calm and concise voice.

And let her do most of the talking ... there's info to be garnered from that.