Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Enough - time to move on

yeah, you're bad guy! It's amazing how their brains sometimes work. The "It's all about me" mentality is alive and well. Somehow she doesn't get that if you work on the marriage and actually stay together this wouldn't happen but that would be too difficult...unlike getting divorced! Do what you have to, she's made her bed but doesn't want to lie in it and that makes you the bad guy somehow!

The sad part WIS is that she truly believes this. She is completely sincere. She thinks I am being selfish, and that I am the cause of all these problems. She keeps telling me that I am being stubborn and should compromise. If I would just accept that the marriage is over, and be willing to accommodate her, we would be just fine. She is incapable of seeing how difficult this living arrangement is on me emotionally.

The last 2 weeks in church, the message has been on Esther. I am amazed at how much this spoke to me. Esther showed tremendous courage in doing what is right. I have been afraid of Divorce. I have been afraid of what it will do to my kids and what it will do to my family financially. But, it is time to overcome those fears and do what is right.

One of the key points was that we settle for mediocrity in our lives (He specificaly mentioned marriages) because we lack the courage to step out and act on gods calling. Esther wasn't afraid to act. My W is offering me the crumbs of a relationship. I need to have the courage to say that this isn't good enough. God expects more from a marriage and so do I.

It is so hard. Yesterday my W called me a hypocrit. She reminded me that early in our Sit, I told her that "Marriage is a commitment for life, and being unhappy isn't a legitimate reason for D". Now, she is throwing that back into my face saying that I am hypocrit for filing. Maybe she is right. I still need to think more about this.

That's manipulative of her. Marriage is also a commitment to love honor and cherish forsaking all others. You aren't a hypocrite, you just may not have understood that she might be asking you to go for life with no love, affection, or basic respect. That's an unreasonable demand to place on a marriage.

You don't have to justify yourself to her, if you believe in your heart that you are doing the right thing.

I have struggled so much with this same thing Rock.............is filing the right thing to do. Man, its brutal, and I go back and forth 20x a minute. I'm not in your same situation thou, not in the same house with my wife, don't have small children to protect. Don't have to watch first hand the destruction. I don't envy what your going thru that's for sure.

I think if you went and filed, and pulled it off the table, or delay'd it if there was some turn of events with your wife (theres still options while it plays out). You just need to do what you think is right for you. I know how bad it hurts to think your wife just doesn't care. Especially when you've been there for her, and dealt with so much pain. We just will never know when they'll wake up, if at all. It all comes down to how much more you can put/deal with. And only you know that.

Hi Rock,

I’m new to the surviving section and yours is the first thread I’ve read and there are some surprising similarities to my sitch. (I make some comments over there).

Anyway all I can do for now is offer my sympathies and say like others have hang tough (which is what I am trying to do).


Lanzo

Adinvo - Thanks for commenting and taking the time to read my venting. I have been keeping up with your posts. You are right, she is not offering a real marriage.

TH - //We just never know when they will wake up//. No we don't and I know that I can't emotionally deal with this any longer. I really need to put my nose down and get this done. The more I think about this, the clearer this becomes.

Lanzo - I read a big chunk of you story. It is very sad. You worked at this for so long and tried so hard. I am very sorry that it still headed to D. When I read stories like yours, it makes me even more determinrd to take control of my own life and move forward. Leaving the control to my W just seems like setting myself up for years of pain. Do you wish you had moved to D earlier?

Hi Rock,
With all the emotional turmoil I’ve been through, and what I am seeing now I wished I had ended thing things when I caught her in the very first instance leaving a hotel with another man in 2005. But when you love someone and think they love you and you have a young child then its a very difficult thing to do.

Don’t beat yourself up about divorce and filing, you are at the point where the D has to happen, if you didn’t your W would still lead you on that merry dance you have been doing for the last few years.

In the UK whoever files has to do the bulk of the paperwork and ultimately controls the timescales to divorce, we agreed for W to file because I didn’t want her asking me every 5 minutes where we were up to.


I just read another piece you wrote and it resonates with me as well.
These were the things preventing me from moving to a D.


I'm still scared of the divorce proces I am going through but I have no other option now.

What is wrong with my wife. I am working on the computer in the living room and W decides to skype OM with D6 and D12 in the kitchen. I immediately go over there and tell her and OM that this needs to stop. I talk both D6 and D12 about how hurtful moms relationship with OM is and how inappropriate it is for mom to have done that.

W comes down and says that I was wrong to involve the kids with what is going on in our R. How can she openly skype the man on our computer right in front of them and then blame me for involving the kids.

Like I said - What is wrong with her.

"I talk both D6 and D12 about how hurtful moms relationship with OM is and how inappropriate it is for mom to have done that."

That was inappropriate to bring your kids into this. You can't have them choosing sides. You're trying to control the situation. That is something you could have talked to them as they got older but not now. If it hurts you, how do you think it hurts them?

If you want to stop your W from Skyping the guy, lay down some boundaries. Take the computer away, something else but don't involve your kids.

I was surprised how quickly D11 adapted to what was going on, she quickly developed a maturity which I didn’t know she had. If she asks questions now I will answer honestly, I have given up trying to cover for W. If D11 ask W a question she gets sugar coated answers or lies.

For example D11 asked W how this all came about in the beginning and W told her that she made a mistake some years ago and Dad won’t let her forget it. I’ve has some chats with D11 (cos W is always out) and one of the things she said to me was “when I grow up I won’t make the same mistake as Mom”.

D11 has had sex education taught at school, (they teach it earlier these days) so she knows the mechanics of what sex is about and she has asked me if I thought W has “done it” with her friend so I answered honestly. In our case D11 understands Mom is moving on with her life without me

Anyway the point I wanted to make is if the kids are old enough to ask question they are old enough to get answers (spare any gory details).


Lanzo