Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers One giant leap forward! - Part 2

I'm not going do anything bad. I will just drive down and see what I can get.

Is it worth me saying now:

I will pick the kids up on Saturday.



I am giving more than 24 hours notice but it could make her worse. It would mean me giving up on seeing them tomorrow too.

The problem is, you don't know what she might do.

Save all your texts.

Get your lawyer's advice.

Right now I just want to see my kids.
Been counting down the days.

I'd leave it alone until you can get legal advice.

You may not see them this weekend and that's difficult but it could be better in the long run.

I think you need to get real specific with her as if she is an unstable potential enemy who you need to still get along with. Not pushy, just specific. Lack of specificity contributed to the solicitor, "if that's how we're going to do things", turning into an option that was available on one day only without warning, turning into a divorce filing and solicitors. Yow.

So my advice is write back to her. Tell her along the lines of "W, I don't know how you got the idea that I didn't care to see my kids because that couldn't be further from the truth. I went out of my way to let you have them last weekend because I thought that was what you wanted. I will work on a more specific agreement so we have a clear understanding, but until then this message will serve to notify you that I want to see them every single weekend. If special circumstances require us to make a change for a particular weekend, I will speak with you, or vice versa, at least 24 hours in advance.

You mentioned that you had made plans with them this weekend; I would like to accommodate this time but also would like my time with them too. Please let me know what times are available for me to see them this weekend so I can make plans."

I would get legal advice on the wording of an agreement that you would sign about custody of the children, but if you have been going dim/dark it sounds like she's prepared to use that as evidence that you are uninterested. You need to show interest pronto, don't wait until after this weekend. Good luck, she sounds extremely angry and punitive.

I would also recommend doing your best not to react or respond to her venomous comments about the type of place you live or how the kids are with her or without you. Really ignore it. She doesn't sound like someone you can convince of your side right now.

Just be quietly firm and confident that your children need their mom and their dad and you are going to step up as much as necessary to see them through this transition. That doesn't require her to like it, or like you, use your solicitor to draw up an agreement you can live with and keep your interactions with W as businesslike as possible.

I find it hard to believe she went to her solicitor that she couldn't afford after not hearing from me for a day or two and then filed because of it. Of course it could be true but sounds more like angry words than fact right now.



As much as I want to say that first part (and really wanted to earlier) I feel like that would be giving her accusations of me not caring some merit when it is all in her head.



Something like that is my best shot at seeing them.



She may try to use the dim/dark as uninterested. Not that it matters right now but there has been plenty of times I have had the kids she hasn't shown any interest either.

I agree that I will have to show some interest in the kids via her just so she can't use it against me but I'm not sure that right now is the time. It would look a bit false or like I'm falling into line?
I have been wanting to ask nearly every day how they are.

As soon as I started to reply without emotion it became fairly easy. What she says to me doesn't matter. What I say matters.



Thats the plan, just hope it doesn't take too long.

You are right, that the "plenty of times she has..." does not matter right now or ever. Lose the scorecard. This is about you and only you, being an interested father.

Doesn't matter if it looks fake or forced or manipulative. It is the truth, and there is a paper trail being developed. Don't shoot yourself in the foot by staying silent. Be humble and accept instead of arguing what she says. 24 hours notice is not unreasonable. Having a clear verbal agreement is not unreasonable. Sending one message a day or three a week to ask how the kids are is not unreasonable but it would be much better if you called at a specific time to hear their voices and let them hear yours. They are too young to go 14 days without hearing the sound of your voice. On the surface the things she is saying about your lack of interest are not completely outlandish and that's why I think you need to worry about getting on record that you do want and expect agreed upon time with them. And I think you need to use actions to demonstrate that you listened to her and heard her (at least the parts that were not pure spew). Not words to try to convince her. Just straight business - she said 24 hours notice, and that's not unreasonable, so from now on make sure it's at least that much, and ask the same of her. She said you didn't communicate, and interpreted that to mean absentee father (so what if she's lying or posturing) ... so you need to take action to communicate to those kids. These are not bending to her will, they are stepping up and being an even better coparent than before. I think you need to be on record showing interest.

I get that you're afraid she'll say, oh yeah, now you want them but where were you before I accused you? It's all an act! So what if she says that?

I don't know if this is a helpful tool for you or not but when I deal with irrational people I use fewer words and I repeat them like a broken record. "I would like to see the kids." "I'm sorry you misinterpreted that, but I would like to see the kids." etc. Ugh, good luck.

Listen to Ad ^^^

All very good advice.

Try not to focus on what happened in the past or even last week. Don't get caught up in what she says-they're only words, just because she says them doesn't make them true. Hurtful maybe, but put on your flame-proof suit, you CAN do this.