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Hi, I am thinking since you are asking, that you didnt feel great about the text you sent.

Though it was understandable that you were getting annoyed, that kind of text doesnt serve you well.

Not because of how she might react, but, because it sounds like that is no longer the way you want to act.

And while I dont advocate kissing anyone's a@@, I do advocate us being the person we aspire to be.

So, you let her get to you. That was probably what she wanted.

I would have probably texted, I understand that you want me to sign the papers, and I will sign them when I can. That is the best I can tell you right now. Or something along those lines.

Again, not to placate her. But because that is who you want to be now, right?

Sometimes it is good to count to 50, or get up and walk or post here or sing a song before responding.

And you said that you are both stubborn and do not apologize.

Some more stuff you might want to work on for you.

I know this is so not what you want and it is very hard for you and I am sorry.

But if you can try to get a handle on your emotions and begin to move forward, it will help you on your journey.

Best of luck to you.

uRworthy,

You are absolutely correct in the fact that i don't want to act in this manner anymore, this is part of what caused my D in the first place. The thing is, i realize i have caused this but i am getting angrier by the day that this was the outcome. I can wish things would be different, i can wish she would have sat me down and looked me in the eyes and told me if things didn't change, she would leave me, but i understand that she didn't feel comfortable with me or with the fact that even at that point if she had done it that i would even change then.

Wishes don't mean anything now, and it's time for me to start acting like a man.

But the confusing part for me is, my needs were not being met in our M either. She would never say "i love you" out of the blue, or ask me how my day was. She was never there to offer me a hug when i was having a bad day. Maybe she was hurting or just felt like it was no use, but eventually it starts to affect a H as well.

That seems to be part of the anger for me right now. After all this, her telling me ilybinilwy, or her telling me she is done, or her saying she sees me changing for the better but she is still filing for D, all my anger right now is trying to figure out why i want her back so badly.

I am in no different sitch than most on here, but my controlling nature is telling me that i can get through this on my own. I am not so sure of that anymore. By me being so controlling, i feel like everything now is on her terms and i hate it. It is so hard to give up control and that was another big part of the reason for D.

I just want to walk up to her and tell her to wake the F up, we can make this work as long as we put in the effort, but this is the mess i have created and i know this will never work.

Another part of me that is struggling so badly is the fact that she has mentioned 3 or 4 times during all this that if she sees true change in me we can start dating again. WTF? Again, it is now on her terms and i can't control that.

I have read on here so many times that it takes months even years for the fog to lift for the WAS. Being controlling and impatient, it is very hard to read things like this.

Sorry, i just kind of needed to vent a bit today. Feeling a little down and can't seem to get this mess out of my head.

Thanks everyone.

I really doubt that anyone here is 100% responsible for the crumbling of their marriage. The WAS was an active participant too. But BD does strange things, at BD the WAS suddenly remembers nothing good about the LBS, every problem the WAS has ever had can be traced straight to the LBS and therefore the WAS needs to get away from them so their life can be all unicorns and rainbows. Strangely, the opposite happens to the LBS. They can remember nothing but good things about the WAS. They forget about all the WAS's issues and problems. Accuray posted something interesting about this yesterday, he said he read a book that talks about how the LBS actually has chemical releases that make them want the WAS more than ever, that even though before BD they too may have wanted out of the M, that BD does something chemically to them to change their perception. Anyway, that chemical release might last a few months or a year, but eventually it goes away and the LBS will remember things a little more clearly.



Are you seeing an IC? That anger thing is what you really need to address. You're channeling your pain into anger and that is not a good thing. It's OK to feel pain, but anger hurts you and those around you.



Typical WAS talk. "If you do X, then maybe I'll be interested again." They'll usually hold it over your head later, "well you never did X, so what did you expect?" Or if you do X, then it'll be "sure you did X, but you didn't do Y and Z, I shouldn't even need to tell you to do those!" Just stick with your changes, but don't have any expectations. Dealing with a WAS's demands is like walking through a minefield.



Welcome to the Controlling And Impatient Club, I was president of it for years If I can find patience, ANYONE can. You can do it! Just do what I do- take it one day at a time. Get out and GAL. Do things to make YOU feel better about YOU. Do it for YOU and no one else. Stick with your changes for YOU. The benefits will affect your life, your PMA and your self esteem. That trickles down to your WAS, but also your kids and everyone else in your life

This. This, so much. If I had an ultimatum, I would have changed. Hell, I was about to change right before the BD when I found those texts. Part of me thinks a big part of the reason the W has acted the way she has since was embarrassment and shame at me discovering the texts. Mindreading, I know.

Maybe my W did warn me as best she could. We asked for therapy the summer before the BD. Our finances were rough, work was killing me (double the usual workload), and my dad was in and out of the hospital. I thought we could hold on. If I knew then what I knew now... Ah, hindsight.



Again, this sounds familiar. I think my W and I were just too scared to reach out to each other. I realize now (too late) my unhappiness with my M wasn't inherent. It was unhappiness with the way things were in the marriage at the time and unhappiness with myself. There was nothing wrong with the marriage that couldn't have been fixed if we had tried.

God, things got ugly towards the end. In the last few months before the BD, my W unilaterally decided I was responsible for fixing dinner all the time since I got home a couple hours before she did. That would be fine, but she also refused to cook breakfast. "I don't do breakfast." Stuff like that.



Again, you could be. Some of my anger is at myself for being such a rotten husband in the first place, too. Do you ever worry that you might be co-dependent? I do.



Again, get out of my head! I don't think I'm a control freak, but it is so hard to have little or no important about such an important thing like the end of a marriage.



You're not alone. I think about this all the time.



This is a BIG plus. Don't obsess over this, but take some joy and comfort in it. It is more than some get.



My W and I were only together for 5 years and married for 3.5 before the BD. Hearing that it could take years (if ever) for the fog to lift is very, very hard. Especially when your W said things like "we are still young enough that we can find someone else." I feel like she is going to rush right into another long-term relationship.



Been there, am there. You're not alone. Hang in there. We can get through this.

Stander and Left Coast,

Thanks for the encouragement, it meant alot today especially.

I didn't think i would ever say this and mean it, but i am ready for this D to be final. I have spent the past 6 months going through what all of us have gone through and we all know how it feels emotionally and even physically.

I think when the dust settles and i can get to a point where i am more comfortable, i am going to hop in my vehicle and drive to the grand canyon (special place for me) since being from the midwest, i have a love for the desert southwest for whatever reason. I have spent quite a few vacations there throughout my life and doing this by myself would be something i wouldn't have tried alone unless something life changing happened.

Maybe it's time i get out of my comfort zone a bit. Maybe we should all get together there and drink a couple beers and toast the fact that our lives aren't over yet!!

I've never been, so sounds like fun. Count me in!

Good morning everyone,

I had an interesting conversation with STBXW yesterday after work.

We had to meet at the realtor to sign papers since our house is finally going on the market.

After we were done, we started talking in the parking lot about a few final details we needed to do to finish up the remodel.

I am not sure how it came up, but she mentioned how badly she wanted to move to the city where i am currently staying because her friend has been asking her what she is supposed to tell people when they ask her why we are getting divorced. W says she is sick of everyone not minding their own business and she is sick of the rumors.

So i brought up the fact that i have had people call me up and start telling me that they had heard the reason she filed for D was because she was embarrassed by my career.

She looked me in the eyes and said "if that is what you honestly believe, then this divorce is definitely the right decision."

I stood there stunned and she opened the door to her car. I opened the passenger side and asked said "I don't think i heard you" She then repeated it to me. "if you believe that, then this is definitely the right decision."

I looked at her and finally said, "Are you trying to tell me that you don't think this is the right thing to do?"

She said "no, i am happy, i no longer have any stress."

I know for a fact that she is stressed to the max because she still texts me telling me how stressed out she is.

I am not sure she believes she made the right choice, but i can't do anything right now about it because it will seem controlling to her.

I think maybe she is surprised and disappointed that i am not calling her all the time begging her to come back. (mind reading maybe)

I also feel that by me not begging, she is getting angry at me for not giving her a reason to leave anymore. D is final tomorrow and i know it's too late, but i just wanted to share last evening's events.

I would like to hear the opinion of your S trying to shove the D down your throat, as you say.

Just because she wants it like yesterday doesnt mean you have to rush out and help her with it. In some states the will have a couple do a trial separation for six months or so.

If it is not what you want right now, why accommodate her just because she wants to rush into D.

IMHO, take your time and deal with the D at a reasonable pace. Time is your friend right now, so they say. D is not something to rush into especially if both of you are not on the same page.

Once again, just my humble opinion.

VETS, please chime in on this subject. I am curious to hear what your position is on this.

I really didn't have any choice in the matter. W met with lawyers originally, she filed for the D and she took care of everything. At that point, there was nothing for me to do. I can't refuse to sign paperwork, the D will be granted no matter how much i refuse to do anything. There is only a 60 day waiting period from the point of filing and D being final with no separation involved.

I felt that there was really no way for me to let go of the rope by refusing to sign any paperwork and trying to prolong anything would just be perceived as me being controlling.

It now comes down to this. She will either find happiness without me in her life, and she will then think that D was truly the best decision for her to make, or she will second guess her decision at some point and when that time comes, I will have either moved on, or maybe at that point we can see what the future holds for us.

If I decide that i am at a different place in my life when or if that time comes, i will deal with it then.

It only takes one person to divorce their spouse. Seems too easy these days for it to happen.

Update,

Final D papers are supposed to arrive in the mail in the next couple days. Thanks to everyone for their support and advice through all this.

I had my kids this past weekend and they told me that W has been leaving S7 at home by himself (he is going to be a 2nd grader) while she goes to excersise classes in the evenings. I asked him if she left him a cell phone to use in case he had an emergency, and he replied "no." Also, W has been having a 14 yr old girl pick them up from daycare on days she is home late from work when our daycare rules specifically prohibit anyone under the age of 18 to pick up our children. We also had to agree on a list of people who could indeed pick them up if we couldn't when we first signed them up for daycare, and most of the people who pick them up now are not on that list.

I mentioned this to W in a non argumentive manner especially noting that i was uncomfortable with leaving S7 home alone with no phone. Things can go wrong in an instant and it makes me nervous. She just looked at me and didn't say a word. I am quite angry that she would do something like this, and not even act like she did anything wrong.

I sent her a text the next day telling her i was not upset with her and i though she was a good mom, but i was uncomfortable with that situation. No reply. It's as if she thinks she doesn't have any responsibilities as far as the children go and she can come and go as she pleases.