Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Pull Your Seat Up To The Bar - Part 4

Betsey: I'm so glad! Life goes on - but we make of each day is really what counts!

Cheers again!

Barb

no booze for me but i would about kill someone for a rasberry lemonade right now..lol

its been soooo hot lately and ive been so busy at work. the dating stuff i just read up on has me wondering about "the one". how does a person even know? i have this weird feeling that i am not really wanting that, or even caring if i find it. things that used to bother me about XW dont at all with my gf. i find myself quite apathetic at times. maybe thats a sign, maybe ive matured.. who knows. all i know is dating can be alot of fun if im not worrying about future plans. i just live in today and maybe thats where my apathy comes from?

Clay

Clay, maybe it's not "apathy". Maybe it's just taking a different road to caring for yourself and the relationship. Doing it differently is not necessarily being apathetic.

Hi Betsey! I'm glad I found your new thread, but feel sort of out of place here

But I wanted to thank you your kindness, for all the time you took to help me with my sitch. Thanks for sticking around and helping us who are still going thru this MLC madness.

I read the first couple of pages of all of your old threads, and you have been on a remarkable journey. Your relative calmness, good humor and wisdom shine through out your posts! You are a great mom too. Your girls must be quite the young women by now, 16 and 19? What are they up to? Are you still on somewhat friendly terms with your xH? Did he ever end up marrying any of those OW?

Clay--I don't think what you have is apathy. I clearly see living in the moment. That is one of the greatest gifts for having a special needs kid. Sometimes it's the little things, and you often miss them when you're busy making plans.

Linda--LOL, I never wanted to be part of this club either. But now that I'm here, I enjoy being part of a happily divorced community. Thank you for your kind words. My D19 is getting ready to leave for NY for her 2nd year of college. She's a chemical engineering major and plays competitive volleyball, and has a baseball playing BF. She's leaving early to go to the Jersey shore with his family for a week. I'll miss her. Kind of.

My D16 is a special needs kid who is the bomb. Undoubtedly, she was the reason that her dad and I chose to really work at our communication skills. We're going to have to co-parent her for the rest of our time here on earth. I'm fortunate. Barb is in the same situation, and she's had to do the lion's share of work in caring for her son.

My XH never did get a floozy. He mired his MLC in a deep, alcohol-infused depression. Then his mom died a year into our separation, which is when I knew we were never going to reconcile. I knew at that point, he'd be sidetracked in his own grief and musings, and trying to reconcile his difficult relationship with his mom. And I was right.

He just broke up earlier this year with his GF of 2 years - someone neither of my girls was truly fond of. But then again, neither of them is really loving the idea of Sweet Stuff for me either. I think it's hard for kids to see their parents move on. I know it will get better, but in the meantime, I'm allowing a lot of space for both of them to get used to the idea of me being with someone else.

And yes, I'm on very friendly terms with him. We talk on a daily basis (or at least every other day). He came over early this morning to wait for D19 to come home from a meeting so they could go fishing. We shared some coffee and conversation and a little reminiscing. He still makes me laugh. Right now, I like him more than I like my teenage daughter. She's having growing pains and it's been an interesting summer with her. Everyone has told me that this will be the hardest. I now see why.

Ok, off to check a couple posts and then get D16 out for a walk. It's a lovely day and we both need some fresh air.

Hope everyone has a great weekend--

Betsey

So I had a nice long 4 day weekend out of town visiting some friends in Ohio and Michigan. Took D16 and D15 with me and we toured the University of Michigan campus which they loved, especially D16. She is a Senior in HS this year so the college hunt is beginning. After the tour of U of M she has moved it to the top of her list - now the hard part of getting in!

Betsey - you make really good points. I'm not exactly sure why I feel so guilty about dating more than one woman. Perhaps because I was married for so long and monogamy just seemed the norm (at least for me - not so much for the XW!) Even though I have not been in a marriage for quite a while I guess that concept still stays with me. I am working hard to set those feelings aside and just enjoy the moment and let this scenario play out - however it happens.

So with that here is my current update: Over the weekend Jan got back in touch with me and would really like to see me again. I don't really know why but I agreed (it seems I sometimes have a problem using the word no - especially when it comes to beautiful women!) Plus we do have many similar interests. So we are going out to dinner tonight. I will have my radar up though and I swear if she is unpleasant to any of the wait staff then I will make a definite break with her.

Romy was in touch with me all weekend long. Not constant texting, but probably a couple of times each day. It is nice that she is willing to stay in touch and obviously interested in how I am. She is coming over to my house for dinner on Wednesday night.

On Thursday evening I am meeting Lucy for an outdoor concert. It should be bgreat weather for it as we are expecting a bit of a cooling off in temperatures.

So yes it is going to be a busy week for me but I am going into all three dates with no expectations and just enjoy the evenings with each of them. I'm still a bit out of my comfort zone but sometimes it takes us old dogs a little longer to learn new habits.

BA

Welcome back, BA! Glad your trip went well. East Lansing is a big place. Huge, actually. But it's a campus that is a city all on its own. Going to a Big 10 school (Big 12 in reality) is a big thing. Good luck! I'm glad it's you doing the college trips and not me. That was exhausting!



Well, I'm not suggesting you do this long term and become emotionally involved with all of them!

BA, I think this whole process takes us out of our comfort zones. You're not alone. I think on some levels, I think I'm still in my 20s and approaching this whole thing like I did back then. But it doesn't work now, and even more important, my goals in life in general are very different. I'm not looking for the father of my future kids, or to build an empire with him and conquer the world. Simple enjoyment is the name of this game, and for whatever reason, at our age, people are about as disparate in their maturity as they were when I was in high school. I really didn't count on that.

Good luck with dinner tonight, and enjoy yourself.

Betsey

Thanks Betsey. Yes I would be happy with them going to any Big 10 (Big 12 now and soon to be Big 14) EXCEPT the one in Ohio! BTW, East Lansing is where that "other" Michigan school is! University of Michigan is in Ann Arbor.

BA

Duh! I feel like a dolt because I was in Ann Arbor last summer and it seemed to go on forever! Maybe I have a secret Spartan fetish? Since I've never been to East Lansing, call this a senior moment.

I don't really love the new additions to the Big Whatever. They don't feel like a fit, and it's weird. I grew up hating the Terps (still do), and they don't seem to have synergy. My mom is a former Golden Gopher, and D19 was heavily contemplating Purdue until she chose not to play D1 volleyball (too much of a job). My family has long ties to IU as well--back to the 1800s. I dunno. Rutgers seems grossly out of place as well. I always considered them an Ivy wannabe...

I don't know if your D16 has entered the admissions process seriously yet? But one of the things to consider is the state funding process. It was actually the #1 reason why D19 chose to go to a private university - they aren't affected by state taxes, and the scholarships are very good. In fact, D19 couldn't have gone to CU-Boulder for what she is paying now. Her school is now $52K/year, and her annual out-of-pocket tuition, room & board and fees next year is $6500. Yes, that is NOT a typo. She has to maintain a 3.5 GPA (in chemical engineering - yikes!), but her dad and I couldn't be happier that we are not forking over $24K instead. Then again, VA has some terrific state schools. Of course, I'm a little biased. But the taxpayers seem to be okay with funding them well.

Anyway, good luck!

Betsey

Well, I'm back from my 'gals weekend' on the Colorado Trail. I don't know when I last ate s'mores and slept in a tent?! There were 4 married and 3 single. The other 2 divorced women have no interest in dating. Sometimes I understand, but I know in my heart I want love again and I will have it. Patience, patience, patience.

Betsey, We are on for Sat.! Let me look into golf courses tomorrow and get back to you. Maybe around 3 or 4?

I closed out my match acct. It was making me anxious and frustrated. I last heard from Dave a week ago and I honestly have no idea what happened. His birthday is Friday so I'm thinking I'll just send a quick text. Sigh....
I think many men (not BA of course) keep looking for something better and enjoy the 'rush' of women contacting them. Just don't get it. I mean, if you don't want to see me again, just say so!

I have a date tomorrow night for an outdoor concert with a guy who actually sent me a text a couple of weeks ago saying we were probably looking for different things. But, he called me last week and said he thought he had been premature and could he see me again. Hmm...don't know what that's all about, but he's trying and I'm all for another try. What the heck. Not sure he's a match with me; he's pretty intense.

Before I left Match.com a guy contacted me who seems interesting and hopefully we'll meet this week. He's very funny and I've enjoyed his emails.

I'm just loving life and trying to stay in the present.

BA,
You sound busy this week! Enjoy all your dates...