Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Falling Down 100....Getting Up 101

Hi Portia, I'm so glad to read your recent posts. You really are doing quite well, I'd say.

I'm taken by the differences in the many sitches on this board. Your SO bailed overnight, while others are living in a loveless relationship with their partner... some for years!



Remember, if SO is truly in MLC, this has nothing to do with you or the R. It's all about issues he's dealing with. Please try to not take it personally.



Sounds healthy to me. If/when he decides he wants back in he'll have to earn your trust and respect. If it's real that will take time.

Do something nice for yourself this weekend!

Hi Portia!

I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself.

I find it interesting that you've mentioned recently how angry you are, but that isn't what I see in your posts.

To me it looks as if you are sad, but not overwhelmingly so. More thoughtful than anything else. As if you are saying good bye, both to what was and to what could have been.

I hope that doesn't sound like rain on your parade because I didn't mean it that way. It sounds to me like you are grieving. Which means too that you are moving on. That you are living and you are separating yourself from something that is not.

As to the future....? Nobody knows. (Which is probably a good thing. I for one would still be hiding under my 15 year old self's bed if I'd known my own future.)

Here's hoping the next corner is a better corner

I agree with Miz. J, Portia, that you sound thoughtful and a bit sad, but to me you also seem so much stronger. Who wouldn't be sad at having the person she trusted and loved the most in this world just "fall off the face of the earth" like your SO has? 

You seem to have managed to have accomplished that elusive goal of every Stander Portia - to have somehow blocked out or cast out your expectations where your SO is involved. Yet you say that you think it would still hurt if you contacted him again and he did not respond. 

To me this sounds perfectly natural, but at the same time, horribly disappointing. I have truly been trying, very unsuccessfully, to blot out my expectations of kindness, of caring, even of any response, like you. 

I think my problem is that I cannot get it thru my head that my H really does not love me any more. At least not at this time. I don't know how, but I keep forgetting. 

I guess in a few weeks, I'll understand what you have been going thru. I hope to hear from my H when he's in Moscow, but won't be surprised if I don't. I know I'll be dying to contact him, but will be heart broken if he does not answer. So I'll try not to. 

I'll try to not to be full of fear and instead to be as strong as you are Portia, to learn from all you've been thru. You are really doing great. 

I'm so proud to hear you say "the person he is NOW is someone who would have to do a lot of work for me to accept him back in my life."

That IS sobering, and very perceptive.

FY, MizJ and Linda,

Thanks so much for stopping by!

FY, thank you for the compliment. MLC may not have been caused by me, but as collateral damage, it is sure hard not to take it personally. Because how they treat us, IS personal.

MizJ, I am not at all sure which parade you are supposed to have rained on but I think you are right, I am grieving and finally at a point where I am firmly routed in reality. Although I confess, even after a year, it still on some level seems surreal. Like when I think I truly may never speak or see him again. That is still too far in the future for me to grasp.

And MizJ, I totally agree with you - I might not come out of my bed if I really knew what "adulthood" was going to bring. But I have no real regrets. I learned a lot from having my xSO in my life and I hope if I meet anyone else that they will have the good bits that I loved about him. There was no one with whom I ever laughed so hard with or could talk for hours with like we did. Argued like we did. Cheated at Scrabble like we did. Even, xSO acknowledged the last time we spoke that no one could make him laugh like I could.

I am grateful for those moments.

Linda, you have great strength already. I posted on your thread. Do not underestimate yourself. We are all sooo hurt by this. It is a true smashing of innocence. I trusted him implicitly. But here is an example of "keeping it real": Last June we went to a concert (Rogers Waters, actually) that we had been looking forward to forever. I purchased the tickets months in advance and they were a gift for his birthday. The concert was amazing. We sat together, his arm around me. I remember thinking how much I loved him and hoped I would never lose him. (I am not usually so sappy, but we had a few drinks) He seemed a little distant but it had been a long week. Know what? While I was having all those loving thoughts - his PA had already begun. Likely, BD did not come sooner because then I would not have taken him to the concert. THAT is reality.

It's interesting - expectations. I would not say that I am at zero expectations. That would mean that I expect neither good nor bad. Now my expectations are all negative. I expect that I will be hurt if I try to contact him again. So I don't. Linda, you may (will!) think of your H while you are in England but try to shove him to the back of your mind and heart and enjoy your trip.

Thank you all for your support.

On this Board we are told to focus on us and so I have done - not without falling down flat on my face more times than I can count, but I have tried.

To add to the general information and knowledge pool of MLC, I thought I would do up a short chronicle of life from xSO's point of view.

In his opening posts, Cadet says that much of this process is only seen retroactively. I think that is true. I have not tried to fit this into the stages. I was not one for watching stages.

In Aug, 2008, xSO lost his father unexpectedly. He was devastated. His father was an alcoholic but xSO always spoke lovingly of his childhood and parents so I am unable to fill in the blank as to whether this MLC was precipitated by a childhood issue.

He began to act a bit off, nothing major. I assumed he was grieving. He never spoke of his father.

In 2010, he began to have anxiety: he was convinced the world was in a heap of trouble - read: conspiracy theories and that no one was paying attention. This was a very real fear. WE spoke of his fear often but I could never calm it. He said he could hear the train barrelling down on us and no one was looking.

I noticed that he was a bit distant, but not enough for me to think something was really wrong. It was little things, like no spontaneous hugs and no compliments when we dressed up for dinner. At this time, he also began reading every fad diet book and following them all.

In Aug 2011, we went on a trip. He had brought a notebook for the first time and could not seem to stop checking and e-mailing. (Missed one there, didn't I?) When I mentioned it, probably not nicely, he had a meltdown. He said he hated me. That was the first time. It was actually scary - he was crying and screaming and he smashed his computer. The only thing was is that he had done this before, not often but once or twice before in the years I had known him, so while the tantrum was unusual, it was not completely alien either. The I hate you was, though.

We patched things up and even managed to enjoy the rest of our trip. I was hurt when I saw that he emailed a married female friend of his that he was enjoying himself but wanted to come home. Early on in our relationship, when we were "taking a break" because we were moving to opposite ends of the country, he had an A with this woman. I had no idea that he was still meeting with her - and not with the "old work friends" like he told me.

By then, I really started to feel the distance between us. Again, maybe stupidly, I never connected it to the pursuit of other women. It was just the little things that created the distance. Almost intangible. By Christmas/New Year 2011/12, he was having sexual trouble, was very stressed and withdrawn. I now know that his search for a new relationship began around this time, although I did not know that then. Wasn't even the same as the GF that I would ultimately find out about and that he would ultimately leave me for.

The next seven months, he was oddly unavailable. When we spoke of a trip I wanted to take, he disagreed and refused. That was unusual as we were always good about indulging each other's whims. I asked about summer plans - he accused me of only wanting to see him so that he could do things for me. When we spent time together, something always felt off, but nothing big. Nothing that gave me a hint of that BD was coming.

By June, 2012, the GF was installed and BD, ILYBINILWY was issued. It was so script, although I did not know that then, only one life, life is short, you are not what I want. Turns out, he'd been lying to me for a very long time. I finally paid real attention to the discrepancies in his words and realized that he was lying.

The rest of my story is in all my posts.

It appears that MLC does last a long time. In xSO's case, it has already been 4 - 5 years. Maybe it is over and he is content with his choices - the GF, being step parent to her kids, maybe she's pregnant. IDK. I wonder if he ever realized that the train barrelling down the tracks all along was him.

After BD, he did say that he was depressed, had trouble sleeping and would have melt downs in his apartment. Maybe that is true. But I find anything they say after BD extremely suspect - believe none of what they say, right?

When I told him it might be better that he pursue his "dream", I did not hear from him again. That was almost four months ago.

Anyway, I continue on my path but thought that some of my story might be helpful to someone.

Hahaha Portia, I guess negative expectations is maybe what Cadet and the others mean when they tell us to not have any expectations. I guess they mean positive expectations! That never occurred to me!

Thanks for thinking I have some strength. I'm sorry that happened to you Portia, that at the same time your were entertaining sappy forever thoughts of love, your SO was already having a PA. My H told me that it is possible for him to love both me and RT at the same time, so I'm sure your SO still felt love for you. I'm sure he still does. Was this the same lady with the kids who was getting divorced?

Hi Portia. I don’t have much time to post, but just wanted to stop by and read your recent thoughts. Thanks for posting the history. You told him that it might be better if he pursue his “dream” and he stopped the contact with you. This is now making sense to me. I can see that your words probably prompted his decision not to contact you. It is hard to pinpoint the actual reason for him to do it. Is it pride, is it trying to prove that he CAN get his dream, is it trying to prove that his decision was the right one? I DNK, but I think that it is not that he stopped feeling anything for you all of a sudden.

Pesky expectations! But yes, once they turn negative the desire to contact dries right up!

Princess Rosa, you are a strong lady. Your compassion and optimism and kindness is unfailing. For me, coming from the school of hard knocks, I cannot tell you how I admire those traits.

It is a strange way of looking at things. What is it they say about a Trial - there are four truths in the room - the two opposing sides, the Judge's findings of "fact" and the REAL truth. I guess we all have stories like mine - me all sappied up and him probably having to explain to the GF that we were spending a night in a hotel rather than drive the two hours home (if he even told her!).

Bright, so glad you stopped by! That last conversation. I just gave up after hearing that he had been contacting GF again "casually". I believe it was Mr. Bond who said that generally the MLC/WAS is already two steps ahead of where they are admitting to be. Certainly that was the case the first time around. So, I said to him that if he felt he needed to choose that life, I release him. The last words he said to me was that he promised to call or text me soon. I said I would like that.

What I believe Bright is that he was already in knee deep with the GF again and that he was encouraged both by his brother and his therapist that the best thing for him was to go NC with me. But that is only guessing and may be nowhere near correct.

Whatever the reason, whatever he felt or feels, the fact is he has not contacted me at all, nor responded when I gave him an opening.

And I am OK.

Hello Friends

Something strange has happened and of all those folks in my life, I know you will appreciate this story.

If you have been following my thread at all, you will know that I have been working at letting go and accepting that xSO is truly gone. To that end, I been changing some of the pictures of us to other pictures, I cleaned out his portion of the bathroom (his special towels went into the rag bin ) and packing away some of the more sentimental things.

Yesterday, I was going through some cards and found some scratch lottery tickets he had sent me a few months ago on my birthday. (I will not keep you in suspense I did not become a millionaire although that would have been sweet on several levels). Anyway, I don't know if anyone else has a bit of a mystic streak but I said to the universe, if I lose on these three tickets I will never hear from xSO again.

I started to laugh when I won $2. In my journal that night, I wrote that my question was too open ended - could be 30 years. Honestly I did not take it seriously it was just funny. There is no way I should have won anything on the scratch tickets. Not only are the odds against you but I tend to be the unlucky in gambling sort. I would drive MizJ's H crazy.

Guess who texted me today?

I was enjoying a day outside and had turned my phone off so I have not yet replied. I am a little scared to reply. I don't want to lose the ground I have gained. I do not want a reconnection only to hear about how in love he is or how pregnant the GF is or whatever.

Many have said that when the LBS is truly ready to move on is when the MLCer reappears. In my case that has proven true.

I am not delaying a response because it is the DBing thing to do. I am truly wary. I don't want to be hurt or the fish who keeps biting the hook. But it feels very wrong not to respond.

I could sure use some perspective please.

Wow Portia! First, congratulations on your $2 win.. LOL I'm sure MizJ's h could tell you how to turn that $2 into hundreds with whatever his new fangled way is to beat the casino.

I get what you're saying about being wary. It's been many months since you've heard from him, right? After reading all of the stories here nothing that a mlcer does surprises me. It's possible that he's moving along his journey and wants to reconnect or it may be as you suggested. I'm an optimist so I'm thinking that he may be coming around a bit.

Does his text give you any idea why he's contacting you? Was it the generic, "hi, how have you been" type of text or something more personal? I am not one to second guess an mlcer but if there are clues in the text, you may be able to get a feel for where is on his journey.

If you are fully prepared for whatever he has to say, then definitely respond. If not, let it go for a few days and see if he contacts you again. If it's important you will hear from him. Just my $.02. I've only been at this for a short time. I'm sure that the sages here will be along soon to give you a more "seasoned" perspective.

I'll be here for a little while if you need someone to talk to. My h came by tonight for dinner and I'm in processing the notes I took on my T2 clipboard!