Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Emotional Connection and Attraction

I am sort of in the same situation ... we're getting along much better but the "attraction" part isn't there on Ws end. I would LOVE to do the kiss and walk away thing but not sure what kind of reaction I would get as she's made it pretty clear that she isn't ready for anything "romantic" at the moment.

I wish my W would give me the same kind of comments you're getting -- even though on the surface they seem a bit hurtful. At least it means she's desiring a little something.

Bond, AS, GTO, Adinva and Kate....thank you, your thoughts are greatly valued.

I'm with the majority on the kiss comment, I think it was rude. She makes other little similar comments about other things as well, and as Bond said it does build resentment in me, so I will let her now how it makes me feel when it happens next.

As I mentioned earlier I think its actually her that's the bad kisser, but I'd rather take the "lets work on it" approach rather than "its not me its you" approach. Anyway...I'll just stick to the closed mouth kisses for now.

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I can't put my finger on what the differences are but the S seems to be right of the table the last couple weeks. Worse than normal. She mentioned during our last R talk a few back that there's times when she actually gets anxious when were alone and S could be on the table. But a week after that she completely initiated and the S was great-she didn't seem uncomfortable whatsoever. Hot and cold I guess.

What makes me feel worse about the last couple weeks is I know she's "taken care of herself" numerous times when she's home alone during the day. I have things in the drawer she keeps her vibe in and I'm embarrassed to say I've been paying attention to if has been taken out or not.

I understand there's many other reasons she could be doing this (stress relief etc) but it is still pretty deflating for me.

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I need to give myself more tools for communicating with W.

I'm not sure how often I should be bring up R talks.

Should I be asking her for more detail on her attraction issues or should I just leave it alone for now?

A few weeks ago when we had a bump in the road (OMW text), we talked about the fact she was waiting for feelings to come back but hasn't put any work into it. I feel like she still hasn't. I'm mind reading but its almost like she's rather just not talk about it.

I just bought Gottman's 7 Rules today to add to the collection.

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Taking W out tonight for her birthday. Going to keep it light and fun. Hyper experiences (thanks Bond).

"Should I be asking her for more detail on her attraction issues or should I just leave it alone for now?"

Leave it alone. I would really get a marriage counselor to help you two better communicate with one another.

Why women are not attracted to some men some times goes really really deep. Mostly, with our partners it is an emotional connection. If we are not emotionally connected in some way, then attraction is off the table.

Battery operated boyfriends rock. No expectations, bad kissing or small talk. No, "How was I?" "Did he have fun?" Blah blah...

She is just not ready for that connection with you. Bond has a good idea in finding a counselor. These kinds of talks undirected usually don't go very well, as there are many things that get left unsaid and lots of hurt...

If this has been something you knew she didn't like, then stop telling telling her to start over and she just might like it. I have been the W who wasn't attracted to her H. And nothing made me madder than for him to act as if he had never heard a thing I said and try to by-pass it by telling me I might just like it! She may have said what she did b/c she feels as if you are not truly listening to her request.

I was never a fan of French kissing (usually b/c the guy kissing me didn't know how). I can get into it when I am feeling passionate. Maybe your W would be more receptive if you save those type kisses for when you are having passionate love making. But if you start out doing it, instead of building her up to the point of "wanting more", then you might as well shoot yourself in the foot.

To me, it sounds like she is trying to tell you what she does not like and what she prefers at the moment. If you persists in doing it anyway......then she won't bother being gentle in how she describes it.

BC39,
When was the last time your wife had any contact with the OM? Im concerned that there is perhaps intermittant contact that is disrupting her healing with you. Women, unlike most men, can generally only feel sexual attraction for one partner at a time. It's because their attraction comes from the heart, a connection with someone. It may be that she is still feeling an intense attraction for the OM, and therefore is unable to feel attraction for you. It is clearly not an issue of desire, as she has been using her vibrator.I would bet that if your wife was "in love" with you, she would feel attracted to you. It probably has nothing to do with your appearance.
If the last contact was less than six months ago, then don't stress too much about the sex part. It will take that long (in a best case scenario) for your wife to detach from the OM and build up enough love in her tank to feel like ML with you. Do not put pressure on her!! You will push her away. Make sure that you eliminate all of the behaviors that got you here (and it seems like you and your wife are used to using disrespectful comments to each other-stop!). Show her affection, with ZERO thoughts of it going further. I'm going to guess that in the past, you mainly showed her affection because you wanted to get lucky. That life is over now. Get used to giving her constant affection and expect nothing in return. My wife loves her hair played with, and back rubs. I spent months just doing these things and more, while my wife still wasn't attracted to me, and "didn't feel that way about me". I persisted. Closed mouth kisses were all that I got- and I was thankful for them because the A was over and she was with me!

My wife started opening up slowly. Not physically, but with her words and actions. I knew she was falling "in love" again. Then she told me she was in love. Still no sex. I persisted with affection whenever I was around her. Then, one morning before work, she pulled me in as I kissed her goodbye. Wow. Like the first time all over again. We were both a little shell shocked afterwards, and she said she wanted to wait before we did it again- wasn't sure she was ready for what had happened. I told her I agreed. Two days later and she was all over me again, and has been ever since.

Think of this period of time as your second adolescence. Take the time to just learn how to hug, kiss, and show affection without needing to go "all the way". Learn to appreciate the way her neck and hair smells. feel how her neck slopes down into her shoulders and think "how did I not notice the beauty in this before?" slow it down. Talk to her only with respect, interest and admiration. I guarantee you will be rewarded.

Of course, if there has been ANY contact, no matter how small or peripheral, with the OM then all bets are off. You will not progress, and will most likely backslide, but worse than before. Why? Because, in her mind she tried to fall in love with you, but it didn't work- so it will never work and she should move on. Of course, we know she would be wrong, that while there was contact, or hope of contact, you could never reconcile. She may think, as other spouses have, that she can keep the OP as a "friend" while fixing her marriage. That would never work.

If you are confident of no contact, then I wish you the best of luck. Enjoy the journey of reconnection!

I agree we need a MC. To be honest I'm worried about her reaction to me bringing this up. She said she thought when our MC ended in Oct that the MC took us as far as she could (I obviously disagree). I'm worried her guard is going to go back up if I suggest it - I'm mind reading but I believe she fears having to talk again about her indiscretions.



I've always felt we are emotionally connected even to this day, but considering the circumstances I must be wrong. I believe as you said that this goes "really really deep". Another reason we should be seeing someone.



Understood. Thanks so much for stopping by my thread, I've read all your past posts, your opinions in my sitch are invaluable to me

HopefulStill, thank you for your post. It ties in to how I've being feeling...

I'm the one that's initiating all of the affection the last 2-3 weeks.

It was 50/50 up until then, I'm not sure what changed.

There's been no sexual contact for 3-4 weeks. That is a long time for us, even since post BD a year ago.

I'm not sure if I should bring it up or not.

I've kept a PMA but it has been VERY hard.

Bc39,
I know that in my case (and what I've read in most cases), the spouse slips. After my initial confrontation about my wife EA, she and I reconciled - or so I thought. Slowly, over 9 months, my wife started pulling away again. I didn't really notice it happening at the time- until I got the ILYBINILWY talk from her. She insisted, no SWORE, that there was no contact with the OM. I believed her. I thought it was me (mostly because she told me it was me :)), and she told me she didn't know why, but she felt "broken" inside. She couldn't define what "broken" meant, but she used it often in the long months to come. Well, turns out she was talking to the other man- more and more, in fact - she had just gotten better at hiding it from me. I knew in my gut that something was amiss, and I was right. I finally did some snooping when she was out one day and boom- found the evidence of her EA restarting 8 months before.

Now I know that when she said "broken", she meant sad and torn about leaving her children to pursue another man. It was her way of describing the feeling of being trapped.

You didn't address my question- are you sure there is not contact with the OM? What are you doing to make sure that no contact is made while you rebuild? It seems awfully odd to me that she is pulling away like this- I'm sure your gut is telling you the same. Is the OM's wife aware of the EA and taking steps to keep her marriage intact? Don't let wishful thinking and trusting too early lead you into divorce court. Take the appropriate actions to protect your marriage while you can, don't say "coulda, shoulda, woulda" when it's too late.

Hey Hopeful,

My W had that slip in October. I found out from checking phone records that she called him a couple times after finding out he lost his job and his grandmother was in hospital. Our BD was 6 months before that in May. (We separated for a month then started piecing).

OM wife found out about a month ago. She texted me about it. (We are all mutual friends). It caused some major tension. Previous link here if you're interested;

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2359355&page=1

So to answer your question, no I don't think they are in contact. OM and his W are working on things and I'm sure she's on high alert. I have access to W email and cell phone.

After everything we've been through I don't see how she could still be talking to him and act the way she does around me. She doesn't come across as guilty or cold.

Saying that, I've been fooled before so who knows.

I'm still hyper sensitive to conversations so this could be nothing, but a couple little things from the last few days;

W has to have one of her ovaries removed (everything is fine and she's fine with it). After finding out about she called me to explain. I asked her several times if she was okay etc etc and she was. After we hung up she called right back and said happily "I guess one thing is you won't have to worry about getting that vasectomy". She'd bugged me about getting one in the past. She's even brought it up once 5-6 months ago.

We were talking the other day about what we do if we won the lottery. She kept using "we" statements. "we" could buy house, "we' could buy this car, "we" could give so and so this....

She's been asking to buy a dog.

Again, these convos could be nothing, but I'd be lying if I said I don't pay attention to stuff like this.