Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers OW Just Emailed Me!

Im so sorry you recieved that email. I know that it had to hurt.

I am not so sure that I would have sent one back -for a few reasons.

First, that is exactly what whomever it was hoped you'd do.

And you dont want to give any power to that person, even if it was the ow.

You want to show that she is nothing, not worth your head space because it's true. You dont want to give credence to something that is built on lies and deceit.

Although I am glad that you reacted calmly.

Whether your h is in mlc or not, your actions are the same. Give him space, move forward, do the work, look within, make any changes and buckle up.

I know you said your marriage was near perfect, but, I think if you really think about it, there are some things that could be worked on, right?

Take care of yourself.

Absolutely there are things that could be worked on and I'm willing to address them.

It all comes down to him being consumed by work and me being wrapped up in the kids and not spending enough time with each other.

But, I can't fix that when he's gone.

Are you any better at working faithfully at building your other relationships? That's a way to work on the problem without using H as your "practice dummy". Are you any better at prioritizing in your life and having the self discipline to attend to your priorities rather than letting things consume you? This is something else that can be worked on without him there.

If you aren't developing these skills, in you, for you, you can't be sure you'd have them if he did come back.

This was a huge problem for me that I didn't see until BD, and really during our separation. My kids had become my focus. During S, I was able to focus more on me, hobbies and my friends. While I still did my hobbies and hung with friends, my kids were always first. If I was talking on the phone and my kids unterupted...kids. If H and I were talking and on of my kids came up and said something or cried...kids first. Now, they don't interupt, even at 4 and 2...because I started telling them not to, and then WOW...backed it up. One of my fears of letting H move back was that all my me time would be gone. But it's not. My H and I can now have a pleasant conversation for at least 5 minutes at a time, ha.

I go out with my girlfriends more and do things for myself. While I may have done that in the past, I use to feel guilty. I DO NOT feel guilty now. I need that time. H and I do lots of date nights now. It's really, really amazing. I'm Tallula first, not mom first anymore. And my kids are thriving and becoming so much more independent and our relationships are stronger than ever!

You can work on all of this now, you NEED to! Rediscover you, if you aren't!

Great tips, thank you, really.

I have let my friendships go since having kids and that is something I've been working on since he left. I really didn't think of the correlation.

I have spent a lot of time with my good friend from high school that I've neglected through the years of being married. I've started running with new neighbors that were strangers just 3 months ago. And I've started hanging out more with the neighbors I've known for years. Plus I've met new people at the divorce support group and been out with them a few times.

It is true that the death of people CAN trigger MLC. So can a lot of other things.

However, generally, unless there was some other trauma from the past, that stunted or caused one to skip a transition period in their growing up, most people can handle crisis like death of someone close without having a MLC.

I am not trying to talk you into or out of anything. MLC is NOT a diagnosable mental disorder as far as the psychiatric community is concerned. We each have to make that choice on our own.

It isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy.



Based on the fact that you are here, I am going to question this statement a bit.

I am not saying you didn't have a good M, most of us had pretty ok relationships, or at least fixable issues, IF there had been good communication.

And they may not have been big issues...

In my new R, I have a bit of a problem. Ok, it isn't MY problem, it's actually my BF's problem.

I have a habit of not closing cabinet doors or drawers all of the way.

I get them 95% closed. Most of the time.

It isn't something that bothers me at all. I don't even notice it quite frankly.

On the other hand, it drives my BF absolutly nuts.

Finally, he said something to me about it.

Now, this isn't going to be the cause of a break up...now or in the future.

However, it has the potential to be an underlying factor.

For a few reasons.

Eventually, if I continue doing something that makes him crazy, he is going to develop frustration and resentment regarding it.

So it begins the list of small annoyances that we develop when we live with someone.

Secondly, if I choose not to try to be more conscious about the open drawers and cabinets by closing them (which I do make an effort to do now that I am aware of it), my not trying to change my behavior, which to me is innocuous, shows him that he isn't being heard. Or respected.

Which becomes a bigger issue that could be the reason he might choose to leave me.

We all have things that we don't really even think are problems but they can be.

So no relationship is perfect.

When we are aware of the "small" "illegitimate" complaints, and we do nothing to acknowledge them and change, they turn into bigger problems and we are partly to blame for that.

So I would like to to think a little harder, about things that maybe didn't really seem like a big deal to you, that maybe really were a big deal to him...

That is where the 180's begin.

"""I honestly have had no reaction at all. I've said all along that the real, deep hurt was simply him leaving. Hearing there's another woman can't possibly hurt worse than the fact that he left us. I think that's really true based on my reaction so far."""

As far as I have come in my own recovery him leaving us still hurts so deeply.

I like your attitude. You and your H probably had a very normal relationship and were best friends there is no "problem" or issue that can justify his behavior, continue to focus on GALing as you have been doing.

My H behavior has many similarities to yours, he is young for MLC, his crisis triggered by SIL cancer diagnosis (which she has since beaten - Hooray hooray!!), death of a cousin, and overall stress of being a new dad and the paying da bills.

My STBX also denied denied denied the OW meanwhile mutual friends were telling me about their inappropriate behavior but I think my STBXH (a la Bill Clinton) thought if he didnt put it in it wasn't an affair. Now that we are officially getting divorced they are openly in a relationship which they claim began after he left.

Although it hurts me still that STBX is in this relationship now for over a year - it also seems like it cant be much of a relationship since my H is such a
facade of a person these day.

The more you focus on yourself and keeping your side of the street clean the easier it becomes to see how messed up the other person is.

Look into the Laura Munson book this isnt the season you think it is.

Also treat yourself to nice little things because you deserve it and this is so so freaking hard especially when you are taking care of kids. I was into Starbucks and lots of new lipstick & shampoos from the drugstore.

This has nothing to do with you, its about him

This is also something I need to work on!

Cat, this made me laugh because my H has always left cabinets and drawers wide open which used to drive me absolutely crazy! I used to nag him about it but then I realized he probably doesn't even realize he's doing it so I decided to pick my battles and just close them myself. It doesn't really bother me that much anymore (I still close them!).

sthelen, you are doing a great job at getting out and trying new things. It's good that you are meeting new people and getting the support you need! I think I could learn a thing or two from you! I should probably find a divorce support group as well, that sounds like a good idea.