Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis You can see the stars, but still not see the light

Good morning!

A lot swirling around in my brain - as usual! - but I will try to get it all out in a way that makes sense.

Let's go back to Tuesday morning...

5:57 am - I was awakened by S3 climbing into bed with me, his new little outfit in hand, wanting to get dressed and go. Oh my.

H didn't sleep well, and was a little irritable with kids. Once we got moving on the road, he was better. The portable DVD player was awesome! H saw a place on Food Network that looked good, so we found it and ate lunch there. It was very good! H got snotty with me as we were trying to locate hotel and told me, "Hon, you are the worst co-pilot ever!"

This was because I didn't tell him what street to turn on. Never mind that he wanted me to look up directions on my phone while also looking for the street to turn on. Perhaps I need to train my eyes to look in different directions? Lol!

And not to brag, but I am the freakin rock star of co-pilots! Because of my organizational nature, I think of every detail for the ride... Snacks, cold beverages, music selections, and everything the kids may want need (snacks, drinks, travel pillows, sunglasses, DVD's, books, crayons, etc.)

Hey, at least he called me hon - I guess that is good???

It was really hot in the city, and we walked everywhere. S3 was hitting the wall by dinner time because of the heat, walking, and no nap.

H seemed relaxed with all of us. The sleeping arrangements he suggested worked out well. He has slowly been ditching the whole modesty thing, and continued to let it all hang out during vacation

He noticed my new pajamas, and made a comment something like, "You got a new outfit." Not a compliment per se, but I'll take it!

After we did lights/tv out so the kids would fall asleep, H was texting on his phone for awhile. I'm just assuming it was her.

He was up throughout the night, itching. His stomach continued to bother him also.

Wednesday - Day two...

We had a very busy, but fun day with the boys. We managed to sneak in a nap for all of us during the day, and the kids were better in the evening

A little more texting from H. I could tell he took a picture of the boys here and there, and then was texting the pic. Maybe this was to FT, but he often sends pics to his mom and brother too.

He seemed relaxed again, and was smiling, laughing, and joking around. As we looked at things at the museum, he would often be right next to me with our bodies touching.

That evening we are all laying around watching tv and getting ready for bed, and H asks me if I care if he does an overnight golf outing in August. Hmmm...

He said its the same one he did last year. Which I looked back in my journal, and had written how he sprung this trip on me, then acted "distant and strange" when he returned.

I told him I didn't care, that was fine. I always just assume this involves FT. Fair amount of texting for the rest of the evening.

H slept awful that night, was up itching and going to the bathroom all night.

Ha TVS, your H called you the worst co-pilot ever!? He probably would have been equally p!ssed off if you did give him directions I'm glad he qualified it with hon so you didn't bop him in the head with your phone! 

Maybe the golf outing in August will be FT's last stand. Keep scratching, H, FT is SO sympathetic to that!

So...waiting for your Thursday chapter! And your overall impressions. 

Thursday - last day...

Kids were up fairly early, but I knew H didn't sleep well so I had them both come in bed with me to watch iPad and let H sleep a bit.

Even with some additional sleep, he looked beat. Was irritable at breakfast, very impatient.

The plan was supposed to be that we would check out, then drive 45 minutes to a beach, spend a few hours there, then drive home.

H was not liking this idea. It would add another hour and a half onto our trip home. The weather forecast was very hot again, 99 degrees. I knew by looking at his bloodshot eyes and deep lines on his face, that he was very tired and not feeling well. This could be very bad...

So I suggested that we skip the beach and just go home. I said that if it was going to be stressful and he wasn't feeling well, that it defeated the purpose of going. The whole point was to have fun.

I then suggested that maybe sometime, we could take the boys to a lake near us, and that could count as the beach. H surprised me by suggesting that we could go that day.

But on the drive home, he felt worse and worse. He was crazy itchy, and asked me to scratch his back. His back was all sweaty, which was strange in our air conditioned car.

We ended up deciding to come straight home. We did stop for lunch at an old diner that his parents used to take him during family trips.

H seemed more at ease once we decided to come home. A part of me was disappointed that we didn't make it to the beach, but I think I got a taste of "be happy or be right".

A tiny part of me thought - I wonder if he felt sick and skipped activities while on his beach vacation? But in all honesty, I don't know how he felt or what happened during that trip, so there was no reason to speculate.

I think H appreciated the fact that I listened to what he was saying about how he was feeling, and did not make him feel guilty about it.

We had some good conversations on the ride home, about his grandparents (we drove through the town they lived in) and about various things I was reading about in my magazine.

Once we got home, we all were sacked out and napped. We ordered pizza for dinner. Some texting from H, but I anticipated out of control texting now that we were home.

You are a rock star, T. I am the same way on trips, always have everything anyone might need. LOL!

So, overall, pretty good, right?

Seems the itching is getting a bit worse at times. I really believe there is a correlation between it and the confusion going on inside him.

You did great, T.

Now sit back and let it all churn inside his head.

So glad you had a good time. You deserve it.

Sooo... Some thoughts on why I feel this trip was significant...

~ I think H saw that he could have fun/be happy while spending a significant amount of time with his family. He didn't even want to go out to eat with us last summer. Any activity we did was with other family members, and he would text the whole time.

~ I think H saw that he and I could interact positively for an extended period of time. The drive gave us an opportunity to have conversations about stuff - nothing heavy or R/M related, but just two people talking. It was nice

~ I think H saw how much the boys enjoy being with him and vice versa. This was definitely a bonding experience.

~ I thought (and I hope he did too) that he and I worked well as a team during this vacation, easily making decisions along the way.

~ I am so incredibly happy that we had a wonderful vacation in which the boys had fun, were totally unaware of what is going on with their father, and will have nothing but happy memories surrounding this trip no matter what happens in the future.

~ I feel like we have moved closer, more like we were before his beach trip. BUT, I am working hard to stuff any expectations way down. FT is no doubt still around. Since she seems to like to pull sh!t as she becomes more desperate (talking to me, beach trip, etc.), I have no idea what she could be scheming next. I guarantee its something.

And H continues to move up, down, and all around...

H comes up to bed a little before midnight last night wearing only his birthday suit. Now don't get too excited, he often sleeps this way because clothes can make him itchy. Still, I found it quite interesting...

Had me scratch his back, and rub lotion on him. Spent the rest of the night in bed.

That's where I'm at folks. Lots of interesting stuff. I've missed you guys, have been trying to read and get caught up with everyone.

Thoughts and feedback always appreciated

Oh, Tvs, this all sounds so positive!

I absorbed every little detail of the trip description and tried to imagine being there as you wrestle with whether to honor H's concerns or go ahead with fun planned activity to the beach.

I pictured watching you two at the museum laughing and talking and standing closely as you enjoyed your two boys!

It sounds wonderful in all the little ways you and your H are being more comfortable with one another. Remember how long it has taken my H to give up replay activities? It seems like eons at the time!

It's a sure thing that OW is just squirming in her size 18 pants! She has to be just flaming jealous of you personally, of your skills as a mother (she obviously isn't using her mothering or wifely skills well right now), and of your continual draw of attraction for your H.

And I don't think your H texts everything! He surely didn't say he crawled in bed with you for comfort and didn't bother to put any clothes on!

That's such a good thing he has that level of trust and comfort with you!

I'm excited how this will play out...but there's a lot more DBing to be done along the way.

So happy you had a great trip and were able to analyze the positive aspects of it. It will give you strength and courage for the next days ahead.


rH

what a great trip. So many of your H comments seem like he is moving closer. Dont push.

Keep on focuses on yourself and your hobbies

Well my friend, you did a great job at DBing this week, and bonded your little family closer together. So happy it went so well T. 

FT is probably feeling pretty jealous and left out right now, and is pushing and pulling, putting all of her considerable heft behind it. 

I'm sure your H did skip a lot of activities on their beach trip due to not feeling well. I know my H says he did on his visit with RT. He told me he felt so tired after driving all day from one destination to the next that he would hole up and sleep while she went sight seeing and it sounds exactly like something he would do as he gets so tired and cranky. (he told me that he drove her all over the north east from Niagara Falls to Washington DC in 10 days)

Your H obviously still loves you and appreciates what a good wife and mother you are. I'm glad you feel you guys are moving closer again. FT will undoubtedly continue to try to pry you back apart, but I think you're doing great and she'll be an unhappy memory soon. Imagine how she'll feel at work once they've broken up, yikes!