It's hard trying to not only feel resentful, but to not act resentful or show those emotions as well. It's hard not being in a normal freakin R where you can openly talk about your feelings!!!
I know it is so very hard. I tried, and didnt always get there, to look at it this way. My xh wasnt joyful during that time, he wasnt happy, he wasnt sane. So, I was able to keep my resentment in check with those thoughts (most of the time - LOL), because how could I be resentful of that life he was leading?
I am really struggling with not getting ahead of myself. My mind can't stop thinking of all the various future scenarios. Not productive, I know. Trying to live in the now, but limbo land svcks. I think that's why I perseverate so much on the future.
Limbo land really succks. Big time. No doubt about that. Trust me when I tell you that perseverating doesnt serve you well. It just causes you more anxiety and resentment because you have no idea how this will play out. Trying to figure it out does not help you move forward.
I wonder if they really do see how flawed the OW is, but admitting that would be admitting they are flawed too.
My xh told me when he started to see how flawed she was, that was the beginning of the end of the affair. Your h will see it, T, when he is ready to see it. And the more he is moving closer to you and feeling comfortable, the sooner he will. But, I do remember, when ow was pulling harder, that my xh, for a time, was being pulled closer to her in a last ditch effort to hold on. For the reasons you said - if she is really flawed, what did that say about him? When he realized the flaws were bigger than his need to feel "right" in his choice, he was able to let her go.
I am hoping that he will enjoy spending time with his family on this trip. And for some reason, I think he will
I know he will, T. And you might want to think about saying something about the cell phone use on a family trip. This is your vacation, too.
Wonder if he got the whole not seeing what is right before your eyes message? Probably not! Lol!
Loved that movie! And yea, I'm thinking he didnt get it. But that's not to say a seed wasnt planted.
Texting even while his parents were here.
That's just freakin' rude.
I think this family trip has her wanting to have H on a tight leash AND muzzle!
Oh, trust me, she aint liking it. Succks for her.
Doesn't matter which is true - either way, I consider it running.
Running from himself. That sad part of that is, he cant get away from him.
Regarding the texting while on vacation, when you've been out with him and the kids in times recently, didn't you say your H's texting was reduced?
Looking back at our Thxgiving trip, I hardly remember H using the phone at all. But then again there were lots of activities, discussions, meals, etc. where maybe he didn't want my sister's family to think he was a jerk for texting constantly.
And you'll have just you and the boys. But, nevertheless, you have lots of activities planned and he may just have such a good time, he won't feel that "need" to text constantly. We can only hope so!
I know these trips, milestones, whatever change from daily life can be stressful with an MLCer. The part leading up to it...the actual event...then the fallout. I'm so familiar with it all.
I'm excited for you/with you as you are planning this special family trip!
Hugs, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Hey TVS thanks for posting on my thread. I have been busy and will update soon but wanted to catch you before you left to say have a great and safe trip. This is a wonderful opportunity to show your H how truly awesome you are. Have fun.
Thanks Gal, I have been thinking about you, wondering what's going in your life. I'm glad you stopped by before I left for vaca
You are right rH, the texting has been better when we are out doing family things. But I think it is going to come down to HER need to text him and know what's going on every minute of the trip.
I am not going to say anything about the texting before the trip. But, if he tries constantly texting while we are doing stuff with the kids, I will say something. Our children deserve to have their father's attention on vacation.
There may be some stress and anxiety for him regarding the trip. I have the 2012 holiday season burned into my mind with his crazy behavior and moods. All the reminders of family time seemed to be hard on him. But I think he is in a different place now, a bit further along. I believe he would not be going on this trip if he absolutely didn't want to.
I will comment on your thread tomorrow when I'm not so stinking tired!
You are also right UW (as usual, my friend!) about my H seeing FT's flaws. I think he started to see them awhile ago, but it is such a process. I'm not sure if it helps or hurts the process that he saw her faults very clearly pre-crisis.
I see what you mean about her pulling harder, and the effect it has. I sense he is trying to cater to her to make her happy as she is probably in a tizzy about this trip. But in reality, he can't make her happy long- term. And I believe, crisis or not, he is not going to like her giving him sh!t about spending time with his kids. Yes, the real issue is that I'm there, but that's too bad!
I see what you are saying too... I'm certainly not jealous of the life he's leading. A life of lies and deceit, hurting the people closest to you? No thanks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So H rolls in around 3;00 am last night. Of course did not come upstairs to change!
Boys were up at the crack of dawn this morning. We all parade downstairs, and as you can imagine, they are not exactly quiet. Once I get them settled with some breakfast and bathroom duty, I decide to try to catch a few winks on the couch as they are snuggled up next to me under a blanket watching tv.
After maybe about a half hour or so, H wakes up and says I should go up to bed to get some rest. Which I do, and sleep for a few more hours - awesome!!!
H down today, quiet at times, and not feeling well at all. His stomach was hurting him quite badly. Some more serious texting today, looked sad at times.
Booked my three day beach trip with my sister today, and he seemed down about that too. I think it didn't help that when S5 heard I would be away for a few days, he started hugging me and crying I've never been away from the boys for more than 24 hours.
He apologized this evening for "being such a lump" and not helping out more. I said I understood and hoped he felt better and got some sleep tonight. He did not look well all day.
The pressure continues to build, but I know it's not from me.
I'm going to bed tonight excited about the vacation and my beach trip with my sis. Tomorrow will be a busy day, then we leave. Will check in tomorrow before I go
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
TV, Enjoy your vacation and I do hope everything goes well. Travel safely.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I believe he would not be going on this trip if he absolutely didn't want to.
^ ^ ^ 100% agreed!
I keep going back in my mind to our Thxgiving trip. Why would my H drive 6 hours to spend three days with a family and extended family he was pursuing to D?
Why would your H go on this trip at all with you and your boys if he really wasn't interested in you? He could stay at home and play. That must be killing OW. Haha!
Tvs, you're doing great. I hear enthusiasm and centered emotions from you. Keep up the good work
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
How about this TVS, remove your H's phone charger from his luggage then when the battery dies, no more texting! You are going to have a fabulous time. And you are going to have a great time with your sister at the beach, too, too bad he feels down about that! Did you find a cute straw hat? Hey, the local theater in town is having a concert with an Eagles tribute band. My H, a huge EAgles fan, does not want to go with ME of course. How stupid of me to think he might even consider it. Want to come? It'll be fun!
Very tired tonight and irritated with H. I've busted my a$$ to get things ready for this trip, and he has done practically nothing. He did install the portable DVD player in the car and... Let me think... Umm... No, that's pretty much it. Oh, and he partially packed his clothes.
We leave tomorrow morning and he's not even fully packed.
I'm trying to give him his space considering the next few days are going to be family time.
rH, I didn't even think about them being able to hook up if it was just the boys and I on vacation. Maybe that's an additional reason FT has her super size knickers in a twist! Lol!
He did something interesting this evening... He shows me this device he has to play music from our phones using Bluetooth. He said he got it for when he went to the beach. This is news to me! But he volunteered to bring it on our trip so we can use it.
I have to admit UW, I got teary when I read your post. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel so much pressure with this trip. Pressure to make everything just right. And honestly, it's more about making it good for the boys. I tried to think of everything they may need for the ride and the trip. I just want things to go smoothly.
I know l need to let go about this too.
And HER - I think he saw her today before golf, but I can't be sure. Regardless, you are right, there is no room for her on our family trip.
Going to bed early to rest up and get that perky PMA going for tomorrow! Will try to check in, but probably won't have any time alone.
Wish us luck
Thank you all, love you guys xoxo
PS - yes Linda, I did get the hat that I wanted! And yes also to the Eagles tribute band - we can sing "There's Gonna Be a Heartache Tonight" together lol!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I've never been away from the boys for more than 24 hours. 