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Has anyone here experienced a change of heart from their spouse as the divorce seems almost assured and inevitable? I have less than a month before my divorce is finalized. I'm still trying the last resort technique. I don't see to much progress if any at all. Is there any hope?

"Has anyone here experienced a change of heart from their spouse as the divorce seems almost assured and inevitable?"

Yes I see it many times. It depends on where you and your W are in the process of the relationship.

"I have less than a month before my divorce is finalized. I'm still trying the last resort technique. I don't see to much progress if any at all. Is there any hope?"

Yes there is.

You do understand that AA is just for you right? It's not a ploy to show your W that you're changing and so she should stay. AA is to get you healed and understand how much you may have hurt her in the past.

Oh, I was misinformed then. I was told al-anon was for spouses and family members of alcoholics. My bad. Isn't there some sort of program for spouses and family members? Or am I mistaken?

I don't think you understand what the problem is. When YOU go to AA, you learn about the things that YOU did wrong to the people you love and how you hurt them. Then they show you how to get those things right. Why should your spouse have to go when YOU are the one that had the drinking problem?

Yes, Ala-non is for people who's lives are effected by an alcoholics. DON'T try and make her go. I have been sober for 11 years in AA, as well has my H. My mom refuses to go, and that woman is as co-dependant as I have ever met. I never suggest it. STOP. Your wife sees you as the problem. I see that time and time again in AA when a spouse gets sober.

My H as suggested I go to ala-non a few times over the years and I shrugged it off. Hey, I do the 12 steps with AA, what's the different. Well, now that I've been going to ala-non for 9 months I'm so grateful to have gone. AA saved my life. Helped me stop drinking. Ala-non has saved me in a different way, the bondage other people held over me.

Keep the focus on your sobriety, your kids and yourself and you will be great regardless if your wife comes back. No one ever told me when I got to AA that everything would go my way, just that I could learn to deal with life with other tools than to drink myself into a stupor.

What are your GALS? Do you go to AA, or is it a church addiction support group? Don't focus too much on your girls and your sitch that you neglect your sobriety. Your wife may come back, but you will be no use to anyone if you drink again. Keeping that #1 ensuring you will be good.

MrBond,

I've been sober going on 10 months by the grace of God. I've been going to a church addiction group for the last 7 months. I already know the things I did wrong. I've apologized profusely and have done a 180 on the things that I was doing wrong. It's all to no avail as she says it was too little too late. She says she's given me plenty of chances and this was too late. I tried to explain to her that I never realized she was so miserable and I never realized how crappy I was to her. In fact I feel as though I was never given a second chance, let alone many chances, because she never once told me she was contemplating leaving me nor did she ever give me an ultimatum to quit or get out. But that is my cross to bear. I already know that my situation was directly related to my actions and attitude. I take full responsibility for them. I was just thinking that if she went to a program with people that have had similar experiences she could deal with the anger and resentment that I've put in her heart. She's just unwilling to let go of the anger and resentment and although I have changed for the better, she speaks to me with utter contempt no matter what the situation. I just can't understand how someone that has spent over 23 years together has absolutely no forgiveness in them. But thanks for bashing me on this forum. As if I didn't feel shitty enough.

Tallula,

I have not neglected my sobriety nor do I ever intend to, but I do try to spend as much time with my girls as possible. My sobriety is truly a gift, I have yet once to have a single craving. None of this is from my own doing. I prayed for God to take it away and he has. Completely.

" But thanks for bashing me on this forum. "

Seriously? You weren't "bashed" and so you missed the whole point of what I was explaining. I said that AA was for you to get an understanding of what happened, how it affected the people around you and what you can do to correct it.

If you want to blame me for "bashing" you, whatever. You have a choice. Either stop the pity party you're throwing yourself and get help or continue to be stuck where you are. The AA program is very intense, but very good. Through understanding how your W felt and continues to feel, you will be able to figure out how to address her needs.

You cannot expect her to want to go to a program when she feels she had no involvement in the problem. And let's get something totally straight. You admitted that you treated her badly. She doesn't "owe" you a second chance. Over the years, she gave you MANY chances which you probably didn't even know were happening. She saw your bad behavior and probably forgave you for much of it.

Just because YOU feel like you didn't get another chance, doesn't mean that she didn't give you one. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if you told her that she never gave you a second chance, she will tell you that she gave you multiple ones and that nothing was going to change.

That is probably how she feels.

Oh and don't blame me for how much worse you may be feeling. There was no bashing here. Be a man and take care of it yourself without blaming others who have been trying to help you.

ct man, it is great that you have been sober for 10 months, so congratulations. Your comment above "I've been sober going on 10 months by the grace of God. I've been going to a church addiction group for the last 7 months. I already know the things I did wrong. I've apologized profusely and have done a 180 on the things that I was doing wrong. It's all to no avail as she says it was too little too late. She says she's given me plenty of chances and this was too late. I tried to explain to her that I never realized she was so miserable and I never realized how crappy I was to her. In fact I feel as though I was never given a second chance, let alone many chances, because she never once told me she was contemplating leaving me nor did she ever give me an ultimatum to quit or get out. But that is my cross to bear. I already know that my situation was directly related to my actions and attitude. I take full responsibility for them. I was just thinking that if she went to a program with people that have had similar experiences she could deal with the anger and resentment that I've put in her heart. She's just unwilling to let go of the anger and resentment and although I have changed for the better, she speaks to me with utter contempt no matter what the situation. I just can't understand how someone that has spent over 23 years together has absolutely no forgiveness in them."
This is exactly me, minus the alcohol. It is just what happens with the WAS. All I can do, and you too, is improve yourself, work on GAL and continue your 180's. Because at this stage our WAS don't want to do or have anything to do with us. It is bloody harsh and hard to accept, but we need to accept. We can have hope, faith and love that one day they may see a better us and create an opening for us to come back into their lives. Until that day happens, we cannot go through life waiting for it, because it may never come.

Please listen to MrBond, yes he is a very straight to the point person, but does have a lot of knowledge to give. Most of us LBS do want sympathy from others (in a way we deserve some) but we also need quite a big kick up the backside for what we have allowed our marriages to become and for the way we treated the most important person in our life.