Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers BD One Year Later

Tonight I ask for prayers for H. If you've read my sitch over the past year, you may recall that we lost a partner in a plane to a crash 7/12, our close friend/flight instructor to a crash 8/12, H had heart surgery 1/13 and we lost another close friend to a heart problem shortly thereafter.

Today, H lost another very close friend to a tragic car accident. The friend is a narcotics agent and died in the line of duty when someone ran into his vehicle and he then hit a pole. The man's son is one of my airport employees, so this family is "family" and we've known them a long time.

I had to teach and I let H know that I would stay with him if he wanted, but that I understood if he needed time alone. He said he would be fine (which I know is not true because I could hear him crying over the phone earlier). I know that he had friends around him this evening. H ate a Lean Cuisine which lets me know he's not right.

This has been such a tragic 12 months, all the way around. I will do my best to support H but not try to "mother" him.

I cannot imagine the mortality thoughts H must have.

I'm sorry your loss(es).

I think its important to "be there" for your husband, but in a lovingly detached way. Don't expect him to come to you, but be willing to just listen if he does, then validate.

Death can be a pivotal breaking point, either life is too short and its time to move on, or life is too short what am I doing to wreck it. Be ready for either, or both at certain times in the near future. The roller coaster might have some all new highs and lows for the next couple/few weeks.

Hope your doing well, stay strong, keep on keeping on.

We made it through the funeral and I felt like H and I got along a little bit better since the death. He actually looked for a computer at a store for me. I've also been very busy and really haven't had time to worry about him or the M. It was a nice feeling. We've also been communicating more and he's actually been listening to me when I try to talk.

Today the bottom fell out again. We were at an event together almost all day. H was crappy to me over the phone before I got there and then was nasty to me when I did get there. One of his little female friends was there and I think I've had enough of being disrespected. I cleaned something for him and got no thanks. He offered to get everyone else a drink but never me. At one point, I was speaking in his ear to tell him something and he turned away from me to talk to this chick.

This is why I was a WAS before and I feel like I've had enough. Maybe we were getting too close for him.

Even though we were getting along better, I've never stopped pursuing housing.

I just don't see H changing and there are a lot of things that I cannot live with, and disrespect is one of them.

Keep moving forward hopeful, maybe it's time to set a boundary.
((((hopeful))))

Hey hopeful, the same mortality issues send my H spinning, I just don;'t ever know in whose direction, although I do know that I am the one he turns to first.

There is a reason you have never stopped pursuing housing. It's time to listen

Thanks subguy and ruby. I've never been good at boundary setting with H. When I do try, I get a child throwing a tantrum.

Now that H knows I'm not exactly happy with him, he is being a little bit nicer again. This is worse than a roller coaster sometimes.

I went house hunting today....with H's friend, who is quickly becoming better friends with me than H. He knows that I am unhappy and is encouraging me to GAL and get on with my life, which, deep down, I know. I admitted to him that I know that I am being stubborn and it is probably best for me to move at this point. H needs to find himself.

As I said above, I know what I cannot deal with anymore. Our M wasn't always this way. But over time, H's drinking and narsacistic ways have gotten worse. I also know that I cannot change H and he refuses to go to MC or IC. So short of amnesia, I don't see much changing in the near future. And I'm not so sure over time. I do know that he chose to fall in love with me, and that reuniting in the future could always happen.

I do know that H is not totally done with me. Our physical connection remains strong. While I know that H has consulted a lawyer, he still has not called our accountant or the mediator.

So, I'm waiting to hear back from the lender people I'm working with. I know that I am not quite at the point to afford a few of the homes I looked at today.

Adventures in housing hunting today. House #1 - full of mildew, stacking washer/dryer, garage obviously a man cave with a bar over the door to lock people out and insulation and tons of outlets (wonder what was going on or growing in there).

House #2 - nice cosmetically, huge kitchen, huge sunroom, only 2 BRs, not practical.

House #3 - OMG, what's that smell. Could only last about 2 minutes and had to run out. Family of raccoons in the attic. Do they come with the property or is there an extra fee?

House #4 - needs paint, rugs, fence. Not perfect, but I could survive. And could probably re-sell down the road.

Venting: I had a political event tonight and ask H if D could hang out with him while I was there. I told him I had an exclusive reception for 30 minutes before the event started.

Well, he heard 30 minutes and decided that was how long I would be gone. Before I left, he was engrossed in talking to his buddies and wouldn't look at me, which made it difficult to communicate with him.

I did tell D that I would get dinner when I was done, but I did not tell him. He also didn't ask when I would be back. When I left with bags of food to pick her up, they were out eating (well before the time H has been showing up at home for dinner). I told H that I intended to feed everyone (as a rule, I will let him know if he is own his own) but I guess since I didn't answer D's call (H never tried) he assumed I wasn't. So he's PO'd at me.

He also got D PO'd at me and she was parroting all that he had said about me, which makes me mad. I don't care that he is mad, and I've stayed away from him tonight so that he couldn't engage me.

Our communication is horrible and I don't see it getting any better short term. I also feel like I'm taken for granted, which is becoming a deal killer. How? H shows up whenever he wants when he knows I'm cooking but when there is uncertainty or I am not at home, he takes D to eat a good bit earlier than when he shows up at home. My world no longer revolves around him and in my future, it cannot.

D and I no longer wait until H comes home to eat. I cook, we eat, when he shows up, I throw it on a plate, put it at the table and leave the room. H now eats by himself.

Contrast all of that to Friday, when we went to an event on Friday as a family (1st in over a year) and with friends. We had a great time. I focused my time on my friends instead of H, which was a 180 for me.

I don't have any advice just a great big ole red neck hug. (((hopeful)))

I'd start singing Rocky Top for you but I'm sure your not a Vols fan

lucky for you sg, I don't watch college football! I went to a little D3 school in PA that I probably could've played for at the time. My law degree forces me to be a Scarlet Knight if I were to watch.

Give me some hockey, NASCAR, or drag racing instead. Is that redneck enough?

Reflecting on the event last night, several men came up to me afterwards and told me how good I looked. Unfortunately, not in my age group. But at least people are noticing. Maybe there were some unattached ones in the group? I will try to post pics in the alt at some point.

It was a good event for me to meet a few new people and I spoke before the keynote speaker. It was a legislative appreciation event, so many elected officials and business people were there. I have another event Thursday evening and again Friday morning. And I will have a press conference coming up soon, so lots of GAL this week.