Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Laying down my heart and feeling the power

Wow UW. That really made even more sense when put that way.

Maybe next time I even think of asking h to do something I will picture someone holding on to my pants leg and think twice about talking to him. haha

uR, this is great! I completely agree with every word you wrote. I just have to apply your advice every day, live my life and let H do what he needs to do.

Portia, you are right on the spot too. Detach with love is what I’ve been trying to do now. I think I’m getting somewhere with this… I know I will have some slide backs, but I think I’m heading in the right direction.

ReachingHigher, thank you for posting your experience and insights. I think everybody here who are still in the middle of this journey benefits from your posts. My H said the same words, that he thinks that I can find a better partner who would treat me right. However, when I told him that I agree with him and I also want a man who loves me, he said that he loves me, but just not in love with me.

Linda, you have to believe that your H will come out of the fog. And keep posting your “stupid thoughts” here. We are here for you.

Thank you, uR "I get the hanging on for fear that they will move away if you don’t. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they won’t go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to get them off.
But when you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you don’t want to be married, you don’t know how you feel, etc. I hear you.
Remember, you don’t have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect their feelings."

This makes perfect sense, and the mental image of me hanging on H's leg is a great reminder!

Thank you too Portia " I read some of her posts on detaching that are spot on. And if it helps you to remember, the phrase is actually "detach with love" not "lovingly detach" I am ACOA, so the phrase was drilled into us. The reason the phrase is "detach with love" is because "lovingly detach" is actually the opposite of what we should be doing. To lovingly detach implies to act lovingly which can sometimes translate into enabling, codependency or pressuring the person in crisis to act because we are trying to save them with our love. To detach with love is to let that person live by their choices and to let the natural consequences of those choices flow through. We still love them, but we do not coddle them. If they do not make it up to the bed, we leave them where they land. Our hearts hate to do it, but they must learn."

I didn't know you are ACOA, sorry. My H is too. Thanks for this explanation! And thanks for checking up on me, Complicated and Bright, it means so so much. And Bright, you're right, I need to keep that faith that the fog will end someday! Thanks! I usually do, but sometimes just get so darned discouraged.

I am on a new mission here to DO BETTER! Much, much better. Thanks so much!

Thanks uR...pant leg is very unattractive!!

LindaM ~ catching up on your thread. You seem like such a positive person. Please keep up the good work. Iappreciate all your comments on my thread as well.

Thanks,Magic!

Linda,

I am on a new mission here to DO BETTER! Much, much better. Thanks so much!

If possible, perhaps you can offer to babysit your grandbabies as a distraction and a natural PMA boost for you? That will get you out of the house more often and away from H's crazymaking chit.

Oh thanks rH, that does make sense  "When the time comes where you will have to make the decision to put the pain behind you, it won't be like now. It will be with your H's arms around you. So...it will feel totally different than now where you're an island."

I DO feel island-like. My H was sounding off on any.number of subjects last night, and said that he feels every experience he's had, good AND bad, has taught him something. Oh course I validated, and actually agree, but WANTED to say something like oh yeah, buddy, what life lesson has being an unfaithful SOB taught you. Oh well, his eyes will be open someday, with his arms (and other assorted body parts) back with me :) 

TVS is on my mind too. I sure hope her H can put aside FT for a couple of days, and concentrate on his family. 

And Wonka, I'd love to see the grandkids more, but they live about 2 1/2 hours away, so babysitting is sort of a big production. I do it ocasionally but it takes lots of planning. 

Linda, my girl,

You are sounding better, a little calmer.

Are you practicing drinking your tea with one pinky out? And enjoying drinks with ice in them? I am not sure they know what a cold drink is in England - cold, damp weather, yes, cold drinks, no. September is a nice time to visit. Contrary to popular belief, there is a 'non-rainy' season in Britain but bring the 'brelly just in case!

Linda, I so admire your positive outlook. And I share it for your future with your H. There is no doubt that he needs to learn his lessons and have the fantasy disintegrate. When it does, I see him coming towards you. He has to come to a point where he realizes that he can't have his cake and eat it, too. When someone - either you or the Russian - by deed or words - insist that he get off the fence and make a choice. He has not really had to make a choice before.

Be gentle with yourself, too. Move forward in small, manageable steps. I found that I was taking on too much and it only stressed me out more. Sometimes I needed to be alone and I needed the peace. You can do this - all of it!

Hi, my friend. I wanted to tell you something.

I know how difficult it must be to know he is going to go to Russia to see the OW.

No matter how detached we are, that stuff just hurts.

Go easy on yourself. You are doing better each day. It is true, it happens in small steps. You cant rush it.

You are doing wonderfully.

Linda, I think you're very strong. I don't think I could stay in the house with my S if she was going to leave to visit somebody else.

Let him go, and don't ask about it. It's hard to do, but I think as long as you stand, it is what you need to do. Concentrate on your life and your up-coming trip.

keep up the DBing.

Hi Portia! Yes, I feel a little better. What -- they don't use ice in England? I'm flabbergasted! No cold drinks? Not even beer? Or frozen margaritas? How do they survive the summer?

Thanks for writing this: "There is no doubt that he needs to learn his lessons and have the fantasy disintegrate. When it does, I see him coming towards you. He has to come to a point where he realizes that he can't have his cake and eat it, too. When someone - either you or the Russian - by deed or words - insist that he get off the fence and make a choice. He has not really had to make a choice before.
Be gentle with yourself, too. Move forward in small, manageable steps. I found that I was taking on too much and it only stressed me out more. Sometimes I needed to be alone and I needed the peace. You can do this - all of it!"

I know my H is seriously cake eating. Some folks have advised me to call him out on it, but I'm trying to let it just ride for now. Maybe I'm a coward, but I'm hoping RT is the one who will insist he get off that fence. You know she is constantly pushing him to divorce me, but I don't expect she'll be so keen on marrying him once she realizes he does not have a job. And has been too sick to hold down a full time job since 2007. Thanks for your hope for my sitch in the future, and for your advice. I get so angry with myself. Always think I should be doing better already, you know?

Thank you uR and SA. Yes it does hurt, so so much. I am defintely NOT strong yet SA, but am bucking up a little, getting stonger. I still have times when I feel sad and cry, but a lot more times when I don't and am happy I guess the sadness won't completely go away anytime soon. In a way, I am really looking forward to him leaving, it is so hard to be here with someone who ignores me 90% of the time. It won't be like when he disappeared with RT the first time, I"ll know where he is. I wonder if he will contact me to let me know he arrived safely etc. I don't think I should contact him unless I hear from him first.

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Yesterday S27 asked me what is wrong with his dad. I asked him what he means, and he said that his personality has completely changed. He has dropped all of his friends, and does not even really ever see or talk to his family anymore. He only talks to RT every day. He does not even talk to his other language exchange partners on skype just RT. He is crabby and does not seem to be interested in anything anymore. He doesn't have any hobbies anymore. You will be talking with him, and he just wanders away. Never exercises. Eats strange food. He used to be very involved in the church and now won't go and has a girl friend. I told S27 that H is depressed, and he said no it's more than that. I told him that I think he might be in mid life crisis, and that I have been talking to a counselor who advises me that if I wait it out, he will eventually wake up and may want to reconcile our marriage. I told him how MLC often follows the stages of grief that he learned about in college. This is the son who wanted to kick H out when he took off with RT in March. I don't know if I did the right thing, but feel better that he knows what the real problem is, as he already knew that his dad left to be with another woman for two weeks in March.

H just came home. I am in my office in the basement, and started to go upstairs to say hello, then thought about me hanging on to his pants leg, him dragging me along, and went back downstairs. I could hear him climb the stairs to his bedroom any, skype time.