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Thanks Guys,

I have been posting on my other thread and wanted to share this with more of you to get your persprctive

Shouldistillhope, that is a very similar relationship path you have described for a lot of us. I find that I am getting more and more frustrated with my W and our situation. Five months of limbo really takes its toll on a person. Right now I cant imagine this limbo with no positive progress for one or two more years. YIKES!

This is a good and bad thing. I am finally starting to stick up for myself in a more assertive way with her. When she is disrespectful or hurtful, I dont hold in the feelings as much. I will tell her flat out that she is being rude, hurtful or disrespectful. I am tired of being her whipping boy. What this tells me though, is that my patience and tolerance is wearing extremely thin right now and that is not what my situation requires. I need to find the patience within me. I know this.

I have also read MrBond saying to someone here to "stop taking sch!t from her". I dont believe a wife can respect a husband with no self respect but finding that line between self respect and DBing is sometimes elusive to me.

Thanks shoulistillhope for checking in on me. And thanks to all of you who have helped me this far.

Also, Anotherstander. If you read this, I wanted to say that I am sorry that July has been a rough month for you regarding you S finding out she has cancer and you finding out about OM. As always, you are all in my prayers everyday.

I hope we all find the strength and patience to get through our individual crisis' with a positive outcome.

BKS

Thanks Guys,

I have been posting on my other thread and wanted to share this with more of you to get your persprctive

Shouldistillhope, that is a very similar relationship path you have described for a lot of us. I find that I am getting more and more frustrated with my W and our situation. Five months of limbo really takes its toll on a person. Right now I cant imagine this limbo with no positive progress for one or two more years. YIKES!

This is a good and bad thing. I am finally starting to stick up for myself in a more assertive way with her. When she is disrespectful or hurtful, I dont hold in the feelings as much. I will tell her flat out that she is being rude, hurtful or disrespectful. I am tired of being her whipping boy. What this tells me though, is that my patience and tolerance is wearing extremely thin right now and that is not what my situation requires. I need to find the patience within me. I know this.

I have also read MrBond saying to someone here to "stop taking sch!t from her". I dont believe a wife can respect a husband with no self respect but finding that line between self respect and DBing is sometimes elusive to me.


Thanks shoulistillhope for checking in on me. And thanks to all of you who have helped me this far.

Also, Anotherstander. If you read this, I wanted to say that I am sorry that July has been a rough month for you regarding you S finding out she has cancer and you finding out about OM. As always, you are all in my prayers everyday.

I hope we all find the strength and patience to get through our individual crisis' with a positive outcome.

BKS

Additional Update Info

About 12 days ago my wife and I were talking and she was asking what I talk to my MC about. I told her that my conversations were between my MC and me. I told her that I would answer general questions but not specific details.

Well, she then proceeded to the refrigerator where we keep our schedule on the calender. She said for me to make an appointment for of us to see MC together on the 12th of July and said that maybe the MC needs a fresh perspective. So I made the appointment.

I did not talk to her about the appointment except for confirming it with the MC and telling her that I had made the appointment for the morning of the 12th.

I did not mention the MC appointment to her again. The morning of our couples MC she came downstairs for breakfast with her wedding rings on. I asked her if she would like to talk about this and she said no. I left it at that.

I went to MC by myself thinking that she was probably not going to go. About 5 to 10 minutes before my scheduled appointment, she texted me and said she was running late but she would be there soon. I texted back, thanks for letting me know.

The MC went fairly well. She is still confused about what she wants but, we got to talk about some of our issues with MC.

W and I have talked about her issues with me prior to couples MC. The couples MC revealed something new to me. She believes that I am trying to control her and that she does not want to feel like she is being controlled.

Part of her feeling controlled is the fact that my boundaries (eg. not giving up the marital bedroom and my uncomfortableness with her having "divorced dad" over while his and our kids have play dates.

These play dates occur while I am out of town. They have even gone the drive-in movies while I was out of town. S informed me prior to going to movies and I told her that I was not comfortable with her going. I explained that the drive-in is a special family event that I enjoyed and that it was hurtful to go with divorced dad and his kids without me. S explained to me that they were taking the kids to the movies and it was not a date.

Two days later I find out that they had another playdate and they stayed until about 10pm.

This did not sit well with me and I had a talk with both "divorced dad" and my W. This caused some heated discussions between me and my W. I then made it clear to W and divorced dad that it is my firm boundary that "divorced dad" is not to hang out with my W while I am not around. I feel he is a clear and present threat to my family and I will not tolerate it. I told my W that I will fight for our family and I wont sit back and watch it fall apart without a fight. I hope that this ultimatum does not push her out the door. Being a doormat to her is not one of my choices. My self-respect is one of my choices and if she cannot respect me, where does that leave our R? In the toilet...

Since this interaction, I have noticed that my wife is being less rude and less disrespectful towards me. Hmmmm, who would have thought. Today is the 13th and my W has kept her wedding ring on. She has not committed to continued MC but she has not taken it off the table yet either.

I will update when anything new comes up.

Please let me know what any of you think of this new development, either positive or negative critiques are welcome as always.

BKS

Baby Steps BKS, patience, and don't get discouraged when she or you have a "bad" day, and your bound too. Here hoping things get/stay positive.

BKS,

Personally, I see some signs of encouragement from your W, but it is important right now not to rush things or try to push her faster than she is ready.

The wedding rings seem like a positive sign, but remember, it is a marathon.

Good luck. Hang in there.

Update:

Wife has still been wearing wedding rings. She has been going back and forth with being positive and negative towards me. Still mostly negative but with brief periods of positive attitude towards me.

She coordinated with me to make another MC appointment for the both of us. That's a positive. She even coordinated a baby sitter for the kids I am still using the squirrel analogy. I move very slow so I don't scare off the squirrel. Im running the marathon, so to speak.

Other than that, we still butt heads about the family gatherings and whether I am allowed to go too. She did allowed me to go to a bday lunch for her aunt. Another positive! After I she said I was allowed to go, I realized that I did not have enough time. I had to pack for work.

I made good use of my time though. I did laundry, vacuumed the downstairs, cleaned the back porch.

The night before, at dinner, I made her a salad to have with dinner. She commented on it. She said this is a good salad. That surprised me. She has said that once before about my salads. Normally she is mostly negative and it was nice to hear her say something nice like that.

So, while she was at lunch with the kids and aunt, I made her another one and left it in the fridge for her. When I talked to her the next morning, she didn't mention the salad but she did asked if I had cleaned the back porch. I said yes and, much to my surprise, she said thank you. Another small positive.

We have a MC appointment this Friday 26th. We will see how it goes.

BKS

Guys and Gals, I need help.

At couples MC today, my W stated that she wanted a D. Doesn't want to try to work at reconciling.

What do I do now? I want to protect myself financially for the pending D. How do I do that?

BKS, believe less than half of what you see, and NONE of what you here. It doesn't do or change anything really. Back off just a little bit, give her more time and space. She's got walls full up right now dealing with her decision.

The living together part, I know it makes it tough, but time to get lost in the evenings a little bit. Sounds like she hasn't had a chance to really MISS you yet. Your too close to the situation. Its easier for her to run right now.

Don't due or say anything this weekend, get scarce a bit. Don't say anything unless its regarding the kids. Maybe, and this im not sure about, go sleep on the couch. Let her feel a lonely bed a few nights. Don't get discouraged, do your DB stuff. Detach as best as you can. She's feeling some pressure, let her have all the time she wants to think about it.

Got some golf clubs, go hit the links with a friend. Call a buddy right now and do a guys night tomorrow. My wife and I were doing fine for a bit as well, and for no reason im back to before square 1. That's ok. Just don't panic, this is far from over. If she tries to bring up D over the weekend, just tell her you have a lot to think over and need some more time please. My DB coach said she's "testing" a bit, she how you respond. Don't play the game, and fall into the trap. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. I'm not a lawyer, but I wouldn't start panicking until I actually saw the D papers.

Keep DBing. Reread Sandi2's rules.

sorry for spelling errors, was in hurry. here=hear. and Due=do

Get the kids up early tomorrow, and take them to breakfast at IHOP or something. Drop them off, then go look at some gym's if you don't have a membership, check a couple out and do a tour around the places. Get to the mall/sporting goods store and check out golf clubs, even if you don't golf, its a great hobby to pick up, and the driving range while you learn is pretty cheap to go hit some balls and burn some frustration and time.