Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Questions without answers...am I stuck in place?

Well, I spent the whole day trying to GAL, spent time w my S22 as he built a computer, ordered food, and tried w all my might not to get pissed off, and to remember, H is not worth my sadness, what would he be doing here anyways, nothing w me.

H called at 3pm from POS hospital, I was hoping she died in surgery. I asked him again why is he there, he said he met her, he has to see this through, plus the city doesn't offer rides home from the hospital like in our nice cushy community suburb. I said I thought you hate her, he said, I do at times, but this isn't about liking her or not.

He said do you want me to come home, I said one day you will come home just in time for me to say, good-by...it's been interesting, he hummed at me. I said I will do what I do, and find more things new in my life while your gone, you won't know me, and you do what you do.

He stayed quiet. He said, S22 asked to work a different stage than me for work, I said yes, what do you expect, your not gaining any points here. He said I'm not doing anything bad, S22 said it's wrong if your family disagrees w what your doing, and your W is against it.

And, w grand-baby 8/24, on the way it's just another person he's going to sacrifice, for his journey.

Now tomorrow he'll walk in from work "as if" polite and helpful, and I will be walking out the door. My dog, aka I, have a court date for running away...and then breakfast, and then the mall for some perfume refills, then over to Honda for some break lights, and whatever else.

I am so over this sh!t, I wish he would move out.

Wow, Dawn, what a great way to put it!

My XH used to complain that he would do anything for his friends and no one seemed to recognize that.

True, he'd drop anything for his friends, including his wife and at times, even his son.

I'm pretty sure God wants us to have priorities and put our family before everyone else, but our MLCers seem to forget that.

i do want to disappear- haven't tho. it's something i like to say out loud and make myself smile. and remind myself it is entirely MY CHOICE - i am an adult - i am able - i have a car- credit cards & a good brain- (what holds me & stops me idk-).

THAT sounds like i feel FREE - and while i know i am - I DO NOT BY ANY MEANS FEEL IT.

this guilt & obligation crap is bogging me down- my spiel has always been compassion - we allll can afford it for our fellow man. - but in all honesty- sometimes i find myself saying enough is enough. (even knowing my mother sitch is not as bad as most people.) no kidding - it's the MENTAL GRIND gettng me down here- (her overt disdain really throws me off some edge all the time) doesn't say much for my character or stamina - does it??? i mean- HOW MANY TIMES can one be surprised over the same thing- the minute the CRISIS is over- and i do mean THE MINUTE - THE "disgust" pours out of her and over the room & the complaints begin. she will now complain about her teeth, the cost, the distance (still some adjustments to go), why i made her go, why i didn't make her go, why i didn't choose somewhere closer, etc., etc.

she is actually surprised and angry at the notion she should treat me as she would a stranger - it pisses her off to think she should treat this daughter as just another human being-

actually- i have credit cards & could do it any minute i feel like it... - it would feel soooo good to just surprise the hell out of her & H - who feel THEY KNOW ME SOOOO WELL. they don't know ME at all- i am quite sick of hearing it- and feeling their "comfort" at thinking i'll ALLLLWAAAYS BE THERE.

UH HEM- please call ex H - he soooo never thought i'd go., oh well - what do people think they are doing??? in life with their r?

i keep thinking how long do we need to just suck up "poking with a sharp stick" before we just walk out? rightfully or wrongfully ???

this woman who HATES BEING OLD AND is mad as hell about that. and gonna spread it around to the stinking person she THINKS won't ever ditch her.. how she figures that is a good idea i cannot imagine. i think she despises me for being a doormat while she's dumping on me because i'm the only one she feels free to????? and someting like that - she HATES neeeeeding to ask me for one darn thing- so every time she needs to dump her anger at HAVING to ask, by being awful-

something wierd & twisted that, honestly, who has time for or energy to deal wth??? and why bother- it could be not so bad if she were even remotely pleasant. i'll go a long long way for someone who is merely 'NICE" TO ME - why this continual wading thru $hit to assist her- when i'd do it for a please & thankyou? without having to feel like - well ALLLLL THIS???

idk about psycho people- i want far far away from all this mental twist & turn junk.

i'm a pretty nice & happy girl- leave me alone people with the torment & crappola... i roll over for a calm , little "nice" pat on the head

do you think people just want to "tip over the bucket" somehow with people who are okay in life and just pretty much even and happy- that they can't stand to see it so they hate you? (well, me?) is it something like that? if i'm not twisting in torment they can't stand seeing someone calm or happy? or good natured

i can't even imagine what the heck about me is soooo "in your face" that i inspire such reactions//?? OH YUCK-I THINK IT'S THE ABOVE THING I JUST TYPED AND DIDN'T EVEN STOP AND REALIZE- MAYBE PEOPLE WHO ARE KINDA TORTURED IN LIFE CAN'T STAND SEEING ANYONE ELSE HAPPY- (UH OH!!!

she said once "you care too much" to me/? an accusation. wtf does that mean? i never asked for a darn thing- i pretty much live to serve (WELL- USED TO) and i know for a fact she's jealous of any r i have with family, friends, h, you name it. she resents I "pander" to anyone but her..... sick and sick and sick man

JERKY- but no kidding- I AM SO SORRY WORLD for this bunch of wah wah crappola. this morning- thinking of old aunt trudi laying there unconscious - dying very probably

she just plugged long- and endured. she was a woman alone and she worked and took care of everyone in her family (they all died young & first) and herself and made friends and has worked up til day before going into hospital- she's 89 and began volunteering & working (9-3 every day at a local clinic for poor people)minute she retired - and kept on rite til end and forever. she knew she liked people and made sure to cultivate friends & company and activities, and was smart about that. she was pleasant and her brain was good-

SO HERE'S THE WACKY THING (and it happened once before with my old aunt rhodie who died years ago and i'd had contact now or then - i still write letters). anyway- had a notion to write three days in a row- kept making a big note with write to her on it- and next day she died. no kidding (some kind of mental "plea" out there in universe.

trudi- monday i mailed the letter to her i'd written day or so before- just had a notion i should write- tell her how much i admired her attitude in life, etc. - tuesday he took her into hosp. i missed the boat because i procrastinated mailing it- but she was in my thoughts & somehow i was getting some notion of need of some sort. i think anyway- like thinking there's more going on "out there" in universe than what we strictly know and think.

okay- i'm out of here- sorry for ranting- this mother junk gets to me- i will now move out of this "place" and continue on in life. after all- after allllll that junk - she called last nite lateish in middle of stinking downpour because her tv wouldn't work- so who ran over- ta da. i just can't get enough - can i?

who is this woman i've become???

thanks for listening

sorry for dumperoo

xxoo

I need advise. This is the first time H didn't come home in the morning second day in a row.

Recap: H works nights, he didn't come home yesterday to take and sit all day w EA in surgery, then he went to work, (conveniently it's by her house, and hr from here). Today, he got off of work at 6am and again, for the first time didn't come home a second day.

Now being that it's Sat he doesn't work tonight.

How do I handle this? What do I say when he eventually shows up? He's probably going to say he needed to feed her blah blah?

I am detached and not feeling the anxiety of this, thank thank thank God! To me it feels more dignified on his part to not come home, but he will. Cake eating...not sure of the definition of that, he's not enjoying happy happy times when he is here, I rarely speak to him.

Right now I would prefer he never came home again! That's not anger, it's relief. He will, if I go by what he says, she's a helpless person he needs to play out his journey w, no PA, and he doesn't want to leave me.

I am detaching (doing ok) but how do put a boundary on this act of coming home after the kids and I know where he's been, he didn't hid it, but it's still completely unexceptable to our family.

I feel like a doormat, or a fool just letting him walk in quietly, start chores, and I say nothing, but is that the best route regardless?

I hate this, he says everything sweet about me, our home, our family and after 2yrs, he's still searching, why does he have to search in the gutter?

I lost the court date w dog, paid $60 for him to get caught taking a walk, highlight of my day!

Hey Dawn.

Wow. Sorry he's being a super-jerk.

Can you be gone when he gets home? Maybe even an overnight somewhere?

And when you do see him, say nothing. Like you didn't even notice he was gone.

You seem to be getting close to the end of your rope.

What sort of boundary do you think you could establish about this? You know you can't stop him from staying out, so what sort of natural consequences can you put in place for this behavior? Or, do you envision a simple "H, I find it unacceptable for you to stay out all night." kind of thing?

I think, you need to make some kind of change. Isn't there a MWD post somewhere about doing "something" different if one isn't getting the preferred, or any, response? IDK, but I sense that if something doesn't change for you that you may "crack" just a bit

Hoping a sage will stop by with guidance for you.

Thanks MIz, no sage but you stopped by, that's something! Thanks!

H left me a message:

I fine...don't worry about me, I am outside enjoying a beautiful day alone, why does the sky have to be ruined by F-ing airplanes. I'm alone, God is my witness, I'm not doing anything against the family or you, I know I say things like, I don't care, but it's my way of trying to justify and not feel the guilt of my actions.

I don't know how to handle life anymore since the loss of all I worked for, I need to be free, I'm not really free but it feels free at the park right now. Take the family and have fun, direct them away from following me, I went on a different path, you guys are not to follow.

I know I'm doing wrong, I'm trying to go off on my own, separate myself from you, but really I'm trying to separate from me. I serve no purpose in this life. I know you don't have a partner now, your alone alot, I'm alone too, I'm not seeking fun, I know I will have alot to answer to HIM.

When you speak to me, your sweet and nice and I know you L me, want me around and I can't take that, I can't handle the guilt of not giving you that, it zaps me and that's why I drop out of life at times, I wish I could clone myself and give you back your H.

Your still my family, nothing much has really change, has it, I'm still me....I'm just angry, the family we built is there! You enjoy it, you did do what I expected of you, you made a home, and your still doing it, just don't include me in that anymore.

I'm not ready to come home just yet, tho it is getting dark, I just may, I know your not going to scream and shout, but the guilt is already welling up in me, I have to go, (eeekk sounding squeal as if he's cringing at the fact) I need to stop talking, this is not what I want to feel right now, ok, I know you guys have a house, food, $$, and that helps me be able to disappear and not worry. END

For a min I thought this was a suicide message...it's not. Just H's honesty and my reality.

ten min later H calls...

Did you say you made food?
Yes, H it's in the oven, and I made a cake.
OK, I need a bath, It's been 3 days, is there coffee.
Yes, H I actually just made a fresh pot...a bath sounds good.
I'll try to...
Try what?
To come home, (insecure laughter)
H, at the end of the day everyone needs a place to go to, open the door and feel safe. This is yours...you decide.

Ok, I'll be about 40 min. this day went by fast. (insecure chuckle)

Hey Linda, I had just finished praying for God to "see" him and be witness to what he doing out there, funny he used the same words!

He's so broken...I almost feel as if some fog has been lifted off of me with this.

Oh Dawn Marie, are you okay? I'm so sorry, I just caught up on your thread. 

What crazy messages. I agree with Mz J - you seem to be getting close to the end of your rope with him and he seems to be losing it completely. I'm the second person here with no answer for you my friend, you DO need a sage. uR or Snodderly. Or Cadet. 

My H sounded like this at BD#2, partly rambling, partly lucid, partly rationalizing, partly understanding his own guilt. It was scary. 

"I'm trying to go off on my own, separate myself from you, but really I'm trying to separate from me."  "I serve no purpose in this life." "I know I will have alot to answer to HIM." "I can't handle the guilt of not giving you that, it zaps me and that's why I drop out of life at times, I wish I could clone myself and give you back your H." "I know you guys have a house, food, $$, and that helps me be able to disappear and not worry."

Holy crappola. I'm so sorry, did he come home? You handled that second phone call so well. God bless you Dawn. In the middle of all this insanity you are this man's rock. 

Oh my goodness Dawn.

What a message. He is so lost. Your heart must just break.



I think God saw, and God allowed you to see as well.

Praying for your strength and your peace Dawn.

thanks Linda, Yea, he came home an hour later and he was smelly. He really did spend the last 2 days at the lakefront and walking thru downtown to avoid facing the realities of life.

It took some time to come in the house, stopping to lay on the porch first, then the living room floor. I went to bed leaving him to his transition home.

~Today it's obvious to see he is broken, dep, scared, and no where near any expectance or understanding of life. He watched me laugh at something on tv and said, see I don't get the humor...life seems to be such a waist of time, it's pointless.

Maybe...just maybe, he IS seeing everything in front of him and he's just scared to jump in...he keeps saying, why, so I can fail again.

He mentioned work slowing down and us becoming homeless The bills getting bigger, the kids not making enough $$$, his age, lack of agility, all the MLC stuff.

He said all this in the beginning, tried to cover it all up w an A, drinking, partying, dressing "cool", blaming me, and spending money.

Now he has the same words, insecurities, w a different approach, a more thoughtful, self analyzing, trouble shooting approach, he's reaching out for answers.

Is this an MLC change, is this a path down the tunnel showing any progress or at least movement? For me, it's easier, but it may also be my own ability to WAW and understand it's not about me.

He called me his thread, I saw it yesterday, but I didn't jump in or indulge.

~MIZ, thanks for the prayer, I'll take it! My heart is not really breaking for him as I am too new at practicing detachement, I don't want to backslide, but I am being understanding.