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Shouldistillhope, I dont know what the law says about this but this sounds like child neglect and endangerment. I have a 9 year old and a 4 year old. I would not leave my 9 year old alone at home unsupervised. Too many things can go wrong. You need to step up and make sure that the kids are safe.

Your W, IMHO, is being irresponsible to think that a 7 year old can take care of himself. No offense. You need to take control of the situation before something happens to your kids. Talk to your lawyer or the police. This is a dangerous situation for the kids. Remember, WAS/MLCer's will do things that they would not normally do, due to her confused state of being.

That is priority number one. TAKE CARE OF KIDS. Your wife will probably not like you taking control of this situation. That is her problem. The kids come first.

Keep us posted.

BKS

I will admit, this sitch with my kids is becoming increasingly frustrating for a couple different reasons.

I can't figure out right now why i want her back so badly after she has said and done all the things prior, during and now after divorce.

I know most of the things i have done wrong during our M. I know i have caused this just as much as her, but why am i struggling so much with my emotions over someone who told me she doesn't want me around any more? Someone who basically tells you that your not good enough for them anymore. Is it because she is trying to make herself feel better by dumping all this on me?

And now this with my kids. I am so frustrated by her actions and by the fact that throughout her whole life, she has never taken responsibility for her actions. Never accepted blame when it was her fault, it was always someone or something else that caused her problems. Why do i still love someone like this?

Is it wrong for me to tell her that if this continues to happen then i will look into possibly gaining full custody of my kids? Is it wrong for me to feel guilty that if i do that, i will push her so far away that she will never come back?

My kids have always come first for me. I know i didn't put my M or my W first, but i always did that for my kids.

Why do i still want her in my life? It's days and times like this that i feel like i haven't made any progress with myself.

I welcome any suggestions or advice.

shouldistillhope, that is a very dangerous situation to worry that your 7 year old is being left at home alone, with no supervision, regardless of if there is a phone or not. Children of that age need adult supervision. I have twin 6 year old daughters. I would never leave them alone in the house for any reason. So much could happen when they are left alone.

BKS is right, you need to take control of the situation, before something bad happens. Your children and their safety is top priority.

I agree wholeheartedly with the both of you on this, but i am unsure of how to proceed. I have talked to her and let her know that it makes me uncomfortable, that things can happen in a split second with curious kids. She just looked at me with a blank, cold stare and got in her car and left.

Do i sit here and hope it doesn't happen again, and hope she realizes that she needs to parent them better? She was always used to me being the one to parent them, and she is skirting her responsibilities in my opinion.

Will it sink in with her? I don't know. I will pick them up this weekend and see how everything went this past week. Other than that, i am unsure what i should do at this point.

Thanks.

In the spirit of DBing, maybe you can suggest that if she feels the need to leave the kids by themselves to go out, that she calls you and either you go babysit or have her bring them to you before she goes out. No expectations, no strings.

She is not thinking rationally right now and you cannot expect her to. She is apparently confused about her life and where she fits in as the mother of her children. She is trying to find her way. She must do this by herself with little or no help from you.

Regarding wanting your S back. I understand why you want her back. She is your W, the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with. However, the person she is right now is not your W. She is a confused woman who is trying to figure out what she wants.

I have no doubt that she loves your children 100%. She is just not herself right now. That is why you need to protect the kids. She may not be capable of that herself right now.

As far as this being your fault!? You need to let that one go. It takes two to make a marriage go bad. She is just as much as fault as you are. She just cant see that because of all the emotions and feelings she is experiencing right now. You should empathize with those feelings she is experiencing. She cant help feeling the way she does. Those feelings are very strong and you can not fix them. She must do it herself.

Take care of the kids and GAL for yourself. Detach!!! The kids come first over everything! You are their father. Your obligation right now is to protect them and if she doesnt like it, thats too bad. She will eventually see that you are acting in the best interest of your kids. She will respect you for this even though she will probably never admit it to you.

Keep us posted,

BKS

First paragraph: Get use to everything being your fault in her eyes. She will blame you for everything, just as my W has done. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! But it is your problem not. You need to step up and handle it. Even if it means losing her. Your kids come first.

Second paragraph: Never feel guilty for protecting your children. They come first! If protecting them pushes her farther away, so be it. They come before you and your W.

Sorry to sound so harsh but that is the way I feel. I want only the best for you, your W, your marriage and especially your children. Take care of the children and yourself first. The rest will fall into place, with or without your W.

She will respect you as a person for protecting your family. She may not come back, but she will respect you. It may take her a long time to realize this but, once again, that is her problem.

Best wishes and my prayer go out to you and your family.

BKS

Well everyone, i guess it's official. I am now divorced. Been a long journey up to this point. I see so many new people signing on to this board that it just breaks my heart to know how much pain they are going through, how scared they are that the life they knew has seemingly come crashing down all around them. I am not here to blow smoke up anyone's hindquarters and tell them that even after all this, that i don't still hurt.

But like most everyone else who have the reality of divorce being final, i can honestly say that there comes a point where you have to find a way to push past the pain and all the things a WAS says. How they try to re-write history as they say so often on these threads.

When i first joined this forum it was as if many of you were sitting in my house with me, telling me almost to the word what my WAW was going to say and do next. Let me tell any of you who are new to this to pay attention to the advice these vets are telling you.

When they tell you to GAL, please, just do what they are saying. I didn't at first, and still have to force myself to get out sometimes, but that seems to be 90 percent of your battle right now. Do the things that make you feel good, otherwise your emotions and your sitch will eat you alive.

I have accepted and asked for forgiveness for all my faults in my M. I was co-dependent, controlling, and at times i felt unmotivated in my R with my W.

I have also learned that it is not all my fault. My W has now changed into someone i don't even know. I can say with all honesty that she is a totally different person than the one i married. I have placed my hope for a reconciliation deep down inside for now.

I am at a crossroads it seems. I am unsure if i want to start dating again (don't need to start a new R with anyone, just want to date?) or if i want to be alone for a while to find myself.

I have become an even better dad to my boys and i look forward to nothing more than the weekends where i get to spend time with them.

With me having my kids every weekend, it has afforded my XW the opportunity to go out and spend as much time at the bars with whichever one of her friends will go out with her. This is the life she wanted, this is what she chose. I realize she made that choice because of the things i have done in our M, but this is not someone i can love right now either.

I still have a lot of questions, i still feel a need for clarity and an understanding of where my life is headed, but i guess with time, God will show me these things.

I have one question for today if any vets choose to help me out. I have to stop by our house that W is living in (which is now on the market) and finish up a couple minor projects.

I have a feeling XW will be stopping by while i am there, and she always seems to find a way to push my buttons so she can tell her friends what an as$ i have become. I need to get better control of my emotions around her so if anything comes up, i feel like i am just going to ask her to just leave me alone. I want her to know that i don't want anything to do with her right now, but i want to say it in a manner that is kind, yet effective. I don't wish to be her friend right now, i don't wish to talk to or text her at all right now unless it is an emergency or has to do with kids. I want her to know that it is time for me to move on and that i don't want to be around someone like her after she has said all the negative crap about me she could think of. I want to tell her that i wish she would start being honest with herself and her freinds when she tells them it was "both our decision" to get a D. I wanted nothing to do with this, and i feel the urge to tell her to stop spreading all the lies around town. I want to defend myself, but i don't know if i should just stfu and let people figure it out on their own, or just let it go all together.

Anyone have any thought on how to approach this, or to even approach it at all?

I am not a VET my any means but my opinion right now is that you should read DR's LRT. And then proceed with that strategy. Not so much for her sake but for yours. Only show her PMA, self confidence, self respect. Be lovingly detached. GAL and LRT. Dont be her doormat.

I am so sorry about the D.

I will keep checking in

BKS

Or would i be better off by just sending her a final letter and leaving it at the house. Maybe something as follows:

W,

I just want to let you know that i treasure the time i have spent with you during our years together. I have accepted my faults and i understand why you feel you needed to come to this decision.

However, i also feel right now that it is time for me to move on. You don't want me in your life now and have clearly stated this to me. I am not sexy to you anymore, and you mentioned that you have felt from the beginning that this was all a mistake. You have stated to me in the past during all this that if you see true changes in me, then maybe we can start dating again. I don't feel that way right now and my life and career are now pulling me in new directions and i feel that i need to focus my attention on those things, and most importantly, on our children. I will not be anyone's second choice. I am a strong man and i feel that is what i deserve.

I wish you nothing but the best, and i hope you find whatever you are looking for in life, but it is with a heavy heart that i feel i need to make one final request. I ask that you no longer contact me about anything unless it is in regards to the children or related to the sale of the house.

I feel like i can hold my head high and i have come to terms with the fact that i tried everything i could to save our M, but you just couldn't trust the changes i was making and you told me you weren't going to wait. I don't blame you for this.

These changes are exciting for me and i feel a new found hope for what life is going to bring me in the future.

I want to tell you that you will always have a special place tucked away in my heart, i truly would have died for you and i can say that you once were the love of my life, and with this i would like to tell you one final time,

Goodbye.

Stillhope, haven't caught up on your entire story but very sorry to hear about the recent developments.

Can certainly understand the pain you are feeling (been there, still am at times) and only you will know when you have done everything you can and are truly ready to go LRT. When you are there, all here will support you in your decision......

That being said, the letter you mention appears to include some information that may not be required at this point and may leave the W feeling different than you intend.

I would suggest "sitting" with the letter a little longer before sending it......

Stay strong and keep posting!