Gabby I know and understand. Sometimes the coaster sends me for loop. I think mostly when I'm at work at a job I don't like.
Super nice. She talked to me about her night out, her day. We talked in bed until 1115 pm. Just as adults. Married adults . It was different and nice .this is what she is capable of. Just not consistent . This is what I fight for . Because she has it in her. When she feels balanced . She has a good soul
Again with the MLC label? Um, WASs also say they have been miserable for years. And they usually want the kids too, like your wife.
Your wife clearly has a mood disorder. Weirdly you seem to respond to it. When she's nice to you, you immediately accept it and pretend she didn't just tell you to get out of the house. I think if you left the house, THEN would you call her a WAW? B/C she has repeatedly asked you to leave and said she is mierable and for the most part, she acts that way.
I don't see her being "wishy washy" or indecisive. I see strategy.
Anyhow, in your case I feel I can guarantee further research on MLC will NOT HELP YOU...
it may well be a stalling tactic to keep you from DOING anything new or different.
Telling her a comment and then walking out of the room still seems fear based to me, but maybe it's an advance for you.
Maybe you are okay with things as they are? She talks to you in bed say every other week, and you see your kids everyday...
is that enough? I just get the feeling Harrier may have a point. Either you are not ready for any movement on YOUR end, or you are.
How long do you feel the first step will take you? I have to say when I went thru the 12 steps that one, was not a hard one. It was obvious my life was not manageable. So, is it possible in your particular group to work on the next step too? Turn it over man, please.
I see so much spinning of wheels and then you retreat to the MLC label so you 'can understand what your w is going thru"...
She treats you bad most of the time. She's old enough to have gotten past her childhood crap, for God's sake. Very few of us grew up in the Brady Bunch (and they had dead biological parents too, btw)
She says she wants out and is miserable and usually she acts like she is. She has asked you to leave again. She texts OMs all she wants and comes and goes as she pleases and she lets OM visit when you are not around.
But b/c you began to GAL and told her SHE could leave, she was nice to you for an evening. If anything IS working, it's that...
don't pretend she got distant BECAUSE you GAL. That's an excuse for you to stay stuck some more.
If you want your life to be as it is now, including your m, then say so.
No one here is going to tell you that you are a doormat who ought to file for divorce. But tell us if this is enough for you.
I get mixed signals from YOU, not her.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
on top of the obvious mood disorder are the hormonal aspects you claim to see.
If you are right or accurate about those, then it's another reason to stop stalling and leave the MLC label alone.
It does NOT change your course of action (but in your case it delays action...maybe that is what you need to examine. WHY do you want to stall some more?
One night of decent interactions and you are hopeful again, aren't you?
Man, she knows exactly how to keep you in line.
Like I said, I don't see her being wishy washy or indecisive. I think she is trying to figure out a way to navigate thru this if you won't leave the house.
My guess is she'll be nasty or spewing again within 48 hours.
PON, if you are okay with this roller coaster, you would not be the first.
But you have gotten a ton of advice and I think Harrier has a point.
"researching MLC" again, is not part of forward movement on your end.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I meet once a week with my sponsor and talk to him 2 x a week during the week. I can't blow through 12 steps in a month. Unfortunately we missed this week. (his bad) It takes time to get through this stuff. I guess I would be on step 2 our next meet up. We have just started reading. From what I also learned is the major part of recovery is paying it forward to others. So if you're not doing that you will fall back to where you were.
I'm not hopeful again at all actually. I am having no expectations. As matter of fact the last 2 days she has been friendly she still texting OM so what does that tell me.
I was simply trying to gain knowledge about MLC and what to expect etc.. She certainly has some traits. Mood swings,age, tattoos, txting OM..
I'm making progress. I stood up to her down the vaca house. Nothing I can really do when she locks herself in the bedroom like a 14 year old brat. So I told her she could go home and I took kids to the beach. She ended up joining us 2 hours later.
That is also my guess. Within 48 hours she will spew again.
No I don't want a D today in this moment. sorry. I sure do think about it alot. But WTF is wrong with doing MLC research if she is going through one? tell me that. Why are all the resources here on this board to learn and understand it. Why can't I do my work and understand it.
It was nice to have an adult conversation with my W last night. It has been 2 1/2 months since we have had this.
TBH I'm still trying to figure out this OM thing. I can't tell if there is something there or not. I know he is EXTREMELY annoying in his txting. Not just to my W. He is a long time friend who is divorced. I know he has been in affairs while he was M. I would think my W could see through his crap. I really try not to think about it. It does bother me yes. I don't like it one bit, but as you said in the past we have bigger fish to fry then this.
My W also reached out to me again this morning about family issue and asked me my opinion and has been doing futuristic things as of late. Call it mind reading or call it observations.
But believe me I have lowered my expectations til NULL ZERO.
Do I think it is right that my W treats me well 2 days out of 2 1/2 months no. But I also have to understand she is broke and sick too. I'm trying to get all the tools to cope and not let myself spin out again.
I think about asking her for her L's name the next time she spews often. So yes I'm getting tired of it. But I also am trying to learn how to stick up with myself without being angry or assertive. The closest I came to this was down the vaca house when she was being a baby about me leaving her out. I made the best of the weekend and the kids had a blast on the boat and my W actually did make it on (she really isn't a boat person, she had wrist bands on and was white as ghost, I actually felt bad after)
Listen giving up control and putting this entirely in gods hands is difficult for me. Trying to stop figuring her out and let God take care of it is very difficult. I'm taking the right steps with this IMHO.
"But WTF is wrong with doing MLC research if she is going through one? tell me that. Why are all the resources here on this board to learn and understand it. Why can't I do my work and understand it."
I think the biggest issue that you don't understand from everyone here is that you can read all about everything, but bottom line is that it won't change your W's attitude. AND you spent so much time in the beginning of your sitch explaining how your W has a disorder, behavioral problems, etc. that if you throw MLC into the mix, it's just going to confuse you. I've studied MLC for a very long time and you know what? It doesn't matter what I know because my W would never apply what I learned and I still wouldn't be able to control her own actions.
Go and read the Conway stuff if you need to scratch that itch. Everyone is just trying to save you time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thx and I appreciate it. I won't waste my time. Believe me I wish I could do my work faster then the way it is moving right now. I can't just go through 12 steps to say I did it. I'm trying to go through them to fix me and not to save my M. That is not my objective to recover just so I think my W will take me back or be loving all of a sudden. I just want to be a better overall person. That is my objective. Thx again for the feedback. As always PON appreciates it.
