Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Up in the air, LONG

Well, I had a brief interaction with H last night & I had an immediate reaction of a wall going up. I was sad all night, didn't get to enjoy my favorite holiday aftera all.
I don't think I am cut out for this. I'm hurt, lonely & unloved. I'm tired of feeling this way. People who go years hearing & seeing hurtful things...yet hang in? You guys & gals are amazing. Strong, brave.
Sadly, I'm not one of you.At least thats how I feel waking up this morning.

It wasn't a bad conversation or anything, he just made another offhand comment that again made me realize our marriage is done in his eyes.
So, ok, I finally got it. I wave the white flag. I surrender.
I just wish he would leave, I don't want to spend the next 3 days together.
Fortunately he has a camping trip coming up with his brothers, so we wont see him for 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I have to get through 2 more weekends.

I'm going to attempt going dim. I want to start packing boxes of my things (I already have some packed from earlier this year). 26 years of household goss to sort is going to be a freaking long, drawn out ordeal. Not looking forward to it.
Should I tell him I'm done too now & want to begin sorting everything out financially, physically, etc? That it's time to consult a lawyer & get info (we plan to diy it IF we can agree, should be able to)?
Or do I just pack MY things & set aside stuff we'll have to decide how to split?
I can't take much, I don't even know where I'm going. All I know is....right now I want out of this house that used to be a home, and more is just a sad reminder of what's been lost.

What a mess.
I want to bawl, bit the tears just won't come anymore. Crazy since I was always "the crier". Like I said, I FEEL a huge wall inside me, separating nr from my emotions now. Now it's time to act, get this done & over with. Then I can truely grieve missing him & the end if the marriage...alone, without him being around all the time.
I kinda feel like a WAS now. Strange.

Also, how do I let him know the sexual relationship is OVER at this point, without starting WWIII?

I've suggested we sleep apart a couple of times. He refuses, says it's his home & he pays the bills. So he is sleeping in his own bed, since he sleeps on couches all week.

I have serious medical issues with my joints. I require a memory foam mattress. The only one we have is in the master bedroom.

I guess I could swap hours in order to avoid him & sleeping together? I could stay up nights, sleep days. Not that I like that....then I miss spending time with my D & dogs as well. Plus that makes job hunting much more difficult.

I resent that he makes this decision & now the rest of us are affected deeply & he seems fairly clueless about the REALITY of how badly this whole thing is going to damage everyone as people, let alone a family (including him).

Sorry yesterday wasn't great for you. I hope you ended up having fun with the fireworks.

My H tried to ask last week if he moved out and I stayed in the house he would pay the mortgage and I can pay everything else like that was okay. Um, no, it's not okay, because even though I also work FT, he is the main breadwinner by a lot and knows I cannot afford the car note, daycare, bills, food, etc. What a joke. I wouldn't be able to qualify for any assistance either, which is scary in these types of situations. Good luck and praying for you!

Thanks chl. Sorry your H is apparently clueless too. My H asked that D & I to cover the mortgage & utilities so he could get an apt.
Sure, Do makes min.wage & I make $0. Sure, we can cover all that...you only make 5x as much!
He had mentioned letting the house go to foreclosure, good god, I hope not.

Hi Demoted26! I'm a newbie (former lurker) here too! Like you, I'm also having a hard time with detaching.

I don't have a lot of advice now 'cause I'm a newbie, but I did want to offer my support Sending you lots of good vibes for more job interviews.

Any other progress on the sleeping arrangements? Is your husband still insistent on sleeping in the master bedroom even though you have joint problems? Would it be possible to purchase one of those tempurpedic mattress toppers for your couch (or spare bed, wherever you would sleep if you don't sleep in the same room)? Not ideal, I know, but I wonder if it might be an option if your H is going to be stubborn about it?

I know how hrad it is, but you have got to detach. It is the only thing that will keep you sane through this whole process and give you any chance of turning things around. It siunds like your H knows that he is in control. He has control of your relationship, all the money, still has sex with you. He's calling the shots and he knows it. You need to detach and worry only about yourself. Only then will he see that he can't control everything. Let it start with your PMA. Whether or not he decides to actually divorce you is out of your hands, so why waste your sanity worrying about it. Accept it and move on. Once he sees that you aren't going to let it bother you anymore, he loses some control. As for the sexual relationship, if he can't even tell you he loves you, why should you have sex with him? Aren't you supposed to be i love with the person you have sex with. If he is going to throw a fit because he isn't getting any, that's ridiculous! It was his decision to end the relationship. I wiuld stay sleeping in the bed too. If he wants to sleep separately, let him be the one to move. Again, it was his choice. I would definitely talk to a lawyer to get some advice. I think the diy divorce is his idea to save money by screwing you over. He needs to take responsibility for his decision, and alimony will be part of that. Once he sees that he isn't in control of everything ,he might change his tune and be more willing to work with you on things. For now, you need to focus on yourself, let your actions show him that he is not in control of everything, and you do matter. You might be surprised how his attitude changes when he finds out that he's not calling all the shots anymore. He might get angry at first, but stick to your guns and show him that the changes are for real. It's time to take charge of your life!

Thanks for the replies, I responded then hit the back button on my phone & it all got erased. I'm too depressed to go back & write it all again right now.

H left today, he asked me to use our joint account to pay certain bills with his check. I paid the cell phone. The bill started fresh on the 3rd, he spent the weekend here texting someone 209 times (not in front of us). No wonder he was distracted & "didn't hear me" several times I spoke to him over the weekend. His mind was elsewhere. It was obvious, but he would turn it around & play it off. Whatever. Now I know.

H also texted me he was in work week town, but then I see a call to his moms house 8 minutes after he texted me that he was "there"(thats where he insinuated he was, his moms ).
His EA bi friend lives in the same town he's currently in. Now I have suspicions he's with her, at her place. Her W lives near the city we have our house in, here, 2 hours away.
Convenient, no? I have no proof, but my womans intuition is on red alert.

I said I was feeling done the other day, I'm not..but I'm tired of being ignored, hurt, made to feel disposable.
My BFF just moved to WI, she left an empty house behind in NM. It's been offered to me. It's part of the Countywide mortgage scandal, so can't be sold nor foreclosed upon. I'm seriously considering packing up & going. She said theres no rent!
This will screw over D though. She is getting promoted at work, doing well...I hate to uproot her, but H threatened to kick her out this weekend, & I know she wants to go with me if I move. This is all so complicated. If we move we'd both be unemployed, with no savings, neither knowing anyone in the new state.
I'm scared, but I don't know which situation is worse.

H is going camping in 2 weeks, so he said he needs to save every penny so he can go & have a good time. H left me no food or gas money. I'm sure I could use $30 or so without too much backlash...but this is BS.
H also told me today he's very uncomfortable coming home anymore. Now thats D fault....she's "mean" to him. Booo hoo, HE is mean to her too.

The fun, and blame game, never ends.

I do not want this with every fiber of my being, but I'm just so damn tired. I feel beaten down emotionally.

Now it's ME wanting to run away.

Oh yeah, H is considering pulling his 401k money and paying off debt ("yours too" he says....mine are in charge off/collections... Haven't been paid since last year, he acts like he knew nothing about these 2 credit cards...but I've had them for 8+ years).

H mentioned in the beginning that we couldn't "afford to get D", so I wonder what it means.
He also mentioned quittinging his job.


WTF is up with this guy?

Hi Demoted26,

Just wanted to send you good thoughts today.

Your H, at least at the moment, reminds me a bit of a teenager. Selfish and entitled (re: wanting to save money for his camping trip, while you don't have money), self-centered (re: being uncomfortable about coming home because D is "mean" to him. He's the parent!), and impulsive (re: using the 401K to pay off debt).

Has your H mentioned quitting or general dissatisfaction with his job before? I don't know, to me, the 401k thing sounds impulsive, especially considering the fees and taxes he'd have to pay to withdraw early?

Best you can do is take care of yourself, do things for yourself, do things that make you happy, spend time with your D. Steady yourself as best you can in the storm of his inconsistent emotions.

Thanks specialk..it's always appreciated!!:)

I'm trying to face this, sometimes successfully...other times not so much. With my dad added in, I've gotta low streak going. Bigtime.
At least now I have an OPTION of someplace to go (& with my dogs), so it's a small relief. I'm gonna try to stay here as long as possible..not sure I'm up for a new state & different lifestyle at this moment, but I'm going to research the area , consider the reality if it & think on it more.
See if I can grow a pair, lol.
In the meantime I just have to remember "believe none of what they say, half of what they do".

As for his job...it WAS a great one. He moved up the ranks, was respected, ran an entire building with 60 employees under him. He relocated,we bought a house the Co. put the down on to keep him, then the Co.went beck to where we started out. The house is underwater so we can't sell it, if anyone would even buy...and the house we rented prior from my dad for 18 years it's now rented too my bro & his family, so H has no place to live. Just before he had to go back his mom rented her spare room to her other son...after personally promising it to my H. This us added stress.
Just after relocating back to the original company,a new manager took over the company...he dislikes my H & put him on a tiny project with no work and half the hours. Hours of income we NEEDED to support one household, let alone"two". So H gets more stress piled on with that. H is also being discriminated against. It's all crazy.

The 401k is something we had talked about,before the BD, but it got shoved aside with the relo & everything.
I honestly wish he'd get laid off, it'd be the best option in this situation. Never thought if say that. But them he'd have some income via EDD, severance&401k, plus retaining options since his job was offshored.