I'm feeling so frustrated that I'm in exactly the same place that I was a year ago except now I have a lot more in legal fees. I still don't know where I'm going to live or what my final alimony will be and for how long. I'm such a planner so not being able to look ahead and commit to travel or others things I want to do is dragging me down. I don't know if I should be preparing for a big move or if I can finally take a vacation with the boys.
How do I not let resentment build when I've been treated so badly? H has been holding a large sum of money that's owed to me. No one disputes that it is mine, but it's being held until we've reached a settlement on all issues. In the meantime I continue to juggle bills and expenses. It scares me to no end that by the time we settle that money might be gone. H is a gambling addict after all.
I am really hoping that everything gets settled this week. The hearing regarding our marital status is next Monday and H would like to avoid it, even though he requested it. Either way the D will be final soon. I don't like the thought of my new status, the stigma and failure associated with it, but I no longer want to be attached to someone who acts, lives and treats others the way H does. I'm tired of grieving also, so I really hope getting that piece of paper doesn't send me into a tailspin.
I am so with you. Each day I have new struggles and fears. I pray often that this nightmare ends. But then I know I need to get back to positive thinking.
These are my PMA thoughts...
You are not in the same place you were last year.
You said "I no longer want to be attached to someone who acts, lives and treats others the way H does." that is huge!!! Honor your small steps.
You are anxious today because it seems like some things will be settled in the near future. Keep taking deep breathes and taking care of yourself. Go slow.
Also count your blessing again.
1. You have two healthy kids.
2. Although finances are tight it sounds like once things are resolved you will be comfortable financially.
This whole process of D forces us to change. So now you may not be able to plan a vacation but maybe when everything is finalize you and the boys can do a cheap spontaneous long weekend to florida via priceline or something.
Its okay to be a little uncomfortable it will bring you 2 steps ahead!
You are not alone. I struggle often but we are strong and positive for our kids. They need us to be happy and positive!
YOU CAN DO IT!!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
BMom, thank you so much for the encouraging words. It takes so much longer to heal and move on than I would have ever thought. Being in the middle of a contentious D keeps me connected to the pain and fear.
Statements H has made randomly pop into my mind and I ponder them, wanting to understand what they mean. Things I've recently remembered are from shortly after BD. The first, "I need to figure out why I'm so difficult to live with." I wish I could remember the full context of that statement. I didn't take it to mean his bad habits, but rather something bigger. How did he go from that to blaming me for everything?
Another statement, "You're wonderful to everyone but me." I know that's not true. I adored him for a long time. I wanted to spend time with him and enjoyed taking care of him. His lack of time and nurturing of me, our marriage and our family caused me pain and anger and resentment developed. He doesn't see that his actions came first. He has the same disconnect with the boys. I also wonder if the quote above is projection. During H's childhood he felt treated differently than his sister by his immediate family and relatives. He was physically, verbally and emotionally abused. As a teenager he found out that his "dad" wasn't his biological father (sadly, this came out during an ugly fight between his parents). Many lies were told about his real dad following that and the truth wasn't told until after his mother's death. BD was two years later.
The last, "If the boys acted like they missed me I would have come home and tried to work things out." I am astounded by this. The boys were grief stricken and desperately wanted him to come home. We told him that numerous times. He also said that he chose to move further away (in with gf) because the boys didn't want him to be part of their life, but he also said he moved to save money. Why did he really move? To me it seems like he didn't feel loved and needed (wounded child?) so he made a statement by going away rather than stay close and work on his relationships. He doesn't seem to understand his part, rather the work needs to be done by everyone else. We're all set up to fail since he doesn't seem to be able to receive love.
I just didn't see the amount of H's brokenness. Maybe he hid it well for years, but once his mom died and then his stepfather, coupled by lots of other triggers, he just started unraveling. I didn't know what was happening.
They need to blame someone else for what is happening - all of his statements are shifting the responsibility to someone else.
It is typical of all abusers, and this stuff is emotional abuse.to say 'what you did caused my actions' This executes for them a double benefit. They feel better and you feel bad. Job done!
You will note you are still pondering what your h said to you. He won't be, that is for sure!
If you think about 'ILYBIANILWY' it is an excuse for what they already intend to do. Not being in love gives them a license to not work on the marriage or themselves.
'Lazy, selfish and entitled was how a wonderful poster - I think it was 'Always' once wrote. So true
GM, I agree w/Bea. He is projecting on to you how he feels, but most importantly, he's shifting the responsibility on to you versus looking at himself in the mirror and accepting that he is human and is not perfect.
He is very much in the "young adult" mode, i.e., selfish, lazy and thinks he's entitled to everything.
I hope that he'll accept one the offers so that you can move forward and make some decisions before the children return to school.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
During H's childhood he felt treated differently than his sister by his immediate family and relatives. He was physically, verbally and emotionally abused. As a teenager he found out that his "dad" wasn't his biological father (sadly, this came out during an ugly fight between his parents).
Oh GM - I can empathize and am really sorry. My H has had the exact same thing happen to him, with his real Dad still unknown. I wonder if that is the crux of his crisis.
Quote:
Statements H has made randomly pop into my mind and I ponder them, wanting to understand what they mean. Things I've recently remembered are from shortly after BD.
I am also right here with you. I think about things said...a lot. But I also think about how those things have changed and progressed over the months. Things went from hurtful but not evil, to evil and down right character assassination, to are you f'in kidding me. I have learned to stop thinking (somewhat) to what was said and choose to believe what I feel is true and let the rest go. At the end of the day, if you ask me, all of it is hurtful, and destroys us mentally, emotional, and physically. at least for me it did, and if I dwell in it, I will stay stuck with those feelings. And I don't want to.
Quote:
I just didn't see the amount of H's brokenness. Maybe he hid it well for years, but once his mom died and then his stepfather, coupled by lots of other triggers, he just started unraveling. I didn't know what was happening.
GM, with the exception of the death. I feel this too! I didn't know what was happening. And now that it is in crisis mode, will it ever get better for our H's. I feel it is not likely...hence why moving on from the person they are now might be the reality. Just something to think about.
Take care GM. We have so many similarities in our sitches and I aspire to be as strong as you are. Know that I feel the depth of your pain, and because of the similarities in personalities and things said by H, I feel a very strong bond.
I have some things I would like to discuss...Mom to Mom. I have never PM'd on these boards, but would like to exchange email addresses if you are comfortable so we can share.
But either way GM. Keep going, taking care of the kids and you. I know you will come through this just fine once the dust settles and the divorce is final. Good luck.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I have decided for the month of July I am going to view my sitch in black and white terms - I am the victim and he is the abuser.
I like you can too easily sympathize with my h inner child.
For July I am not going to waste my time with that.
I know the goal is for us not to be angry but I need to spend some time being angry at the man that broke our vows, left our children and blamed me for everything.
Bea is right he is gaslighting you and shifting the blame off himself. If he took any responsiblity for his actions he wouldn't be able to look in the mirror each morning.
You did nothing to deserve his actions. This whole thing is not about you.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thank you for all of the replies. I hadn't thought about some of the statements as gaslighting, but they are. I'm so glad that you pointed that out.
The young adult mode is so difficult to deal with. My boys are more mature than H is. It's amazing (though I don't know why I continue to be amazed) that H continues to make this all about him. He doesn't have the maturity or capacity to really care or empathize with another person. Each time the boys have tried to express themselves, child to parent, H starts his rant about me and how he needed to leave.... The boys know it's all ridiculous. They saw how loving and kind I was to H and how he treated me in return. Of course they don't know all of the deeper marital issues, but on the surface H's spew about me is groundless.
There have been no new developments on the legal front. I'm still hoping to get this settled and avoid the hearing on Monday. Based on what my new attorney has said our marital status is likely to be ordered terminated. H will feel like he's won the jackpot and I don't really need to see him gloat. It wouldn't surprise me if his gf is there. I'm sure she has a vested interest in the outcome. It will be another bad memory for me.
I don't know how I feel about being D'd. It's ugly and not what I wanted for me or the boys. I believe it could have been avoided with commitment, patience and hard work. I have fear about the future. I'm afraid to feel the moments of sadness that are inevitable. I guess I still don't understand what H will have gained, but it's not for me to evaluate. It's all just sad and senseless.
BRNR, I would love to communicate privately. I have done that with a few on this board and it's been immensely helpful and enriching. The PM feature is disabled, but we can find another way to exchange contact information.
