Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis You can see the stars, but still not see the light

I'm on it, FY! No worries. A cute yellow one, I think. LOL!

"I think she uses H for attention to build her non- existent self- esteem, for sex, and for money/gifts/trips. If we're going with the high school mentality, he's the very good looking, popular, captain of the football team prom king (literally!) He wouldn't have given her the time of day in high school, would have considered her beneath him.

Now she keeps his balls in her purse, as she keeps him on a short leash. Pathetic and sad. I wish he would grow up, man up, ask for his balls back, and tell her fat nasty a$$ to take a hike. Again, a girl can dream can't she..."

That IS pathetic and sad TVS, on both their parts. Your H is going thru a MLC, but what's her excuse? FT probably thinks she's hot stuff, having such a good looking man on such a short leash. But how pathetic that she has chosen a married man. How can she live with herself? What must her children think? 

I remember someone writing on some thread, maybe T^2, that the OW and lyin eyed spouse fill some need in each other while he's working his way thru the crisis. Your H seems to be moving right along, seems to be making some progress. It sounds like he's trying to repair his R with the boys too. 

This has been a long haul for you T. You wrote "But I don't want to rush things, want him to see the light all on his own and be willing and able to make amends and do the work to rebuild. If that never happens, it is on him not me." that is very wise. I do not doubt he'll be taking his balls back soon and moving on to the next stage of MLC. Although I think I remember you saying once that your H already went thru that withdrawal thing, then dipped back into replay? That's the same thing that my H did, he was withdrawn for almost a year then went back into replay. Heartbreaking. 

They're so hard to live with, frightening even, when they're so depressed and withdrawn, but it's less hurtful than when they're having a phoney love affair with a Hussy! But I don't think your H's Hussy has too much longer left on her shelf life. 

hey hi tvs-



gggggggulllppppp - choke choke - ACK = that stinkin PILL....

boy do i HEAR that. i hate it when i see him all acting "happy" & "tail wagging) because i know he's got a plan with ow that he's looking forward to - wish i could even see backing over him with car as a "fix". but not one thing in the world we can do now to alter that or make it hurt less.

powerless - powerless - and not liking it...we're soooo take-charge brainwashed in america. we can do it- we can fix it - we can buy something to fix it- we all SHOULD have everything - not so philosophical & "good at" - stinking powerless are we???? guess that's too 3rd world for us- being accepting & philosophical about life's unfairnesses & downsides.

i had just typed a response with a good insight and somehow lost it . oh well.

maybe lately i'm washed over with the notion that I have too much expectations of myself. THAT's the problem rather than expectations of h. he is soo "different man" at moment. I roll around at night demanding i "just decide" something about him, r, sitch, his worth, love? stay,go,is it worth this all?;

I decided other nite i do not need to decide one darn thing right now. I have too much conflicted information to make a decent decision - none of us can know because he does not even know or see self- how can i make the call on his worth as future mate? -

I also decided I am allowed to not know what the heck i'm doing or going to do - I have permission to not know what the he!l is going on w/ me & him.

.


oh yeah - do i ever feel ya ... me too. how to ever reconcile their current actions with their words & their past lives w/us? it's an impossible tangle...



i know - right???

i am not sure who i am in the universe... what my "place" is. it's got to be more than what i am now - or less, maybe.

perhaps i am "trying" to fight what & who i am??? i think i just plug along bein who i am - but who the heck knows.

I hope things get better for you - hang on- we're all just reading along with ya, hopin along with ya, scratching our stinkin heads & wondering along with ya - your h sounds like mine & everbody else - it is really so hard and dispiriting-

but then- we've got "the gang" here - thank God! no kidding- my lifeline ..

xxoo hope your day is okay-

Morning all ~

Linda, I believe my xf is in crisis too. The last conversation we had as friends (about a month before bomb) she told me she was "making up for lost time" from having her oldest child when she was young by bartending and staying out late. She left out the part about cozying up to H behind my back.

When she came to talk to me at work a few months ago, I was struck by the coldness in which she spoke of her H. So while I have felt my H slowly warming up to me and inching his way towards me, I sensed nothing but anger, resentment, and coldness towards her H.

So I don't see her ending this affair anytime soon.

How can she live with herself? Who knows. I suspect through the rewriting of history and warped perception that these MLCers have. I have no idea what her kids think. Since they are teenagers, I'm sure they have noticed that mom has been different. If her and her H aren't getting along, I'm sure they notice that too.

I can't even imagine how heartbreaking that must have been for you that your H was actually normal for five months, then back into replay. Sorry for all the pain you have endured.

My H's withdrawal and depression - I think it was him cycling through for the first time. Maybe he was really feeling the guilt of his new PA. Maybe he and his xbf had a falling out around that time that I am not privy too. I remember my H telling me sometime in March 2012 that he was a failure as a father, husband, and friend.

Seems like he got heavy into the A around that time, and has been there ever since. But all his running is catching up with him...

UW, forget about making the raincoat, I like the burial suit better. Actually, make that a burial urn. I want to cremate that phone to make sure it's never coming back!

I know you get how hurtful and hard this really is. It helps Who would have thought we would ever have to endure seeing our H's act this way with another woman?

"Trying so hard to impress someone so unworthy"

That pretty much sums it up for me.

One of the arguments H and I had weeks before bomb was that I felt like he didn't take our M seriously, that he didn't put any effort into our R. The next day, H came to me and said, "I've had some time to think about it, and you are right. I do need to put more of an effort into our M" and gave me a big hug.

Obviously, he didn't follow through with that. Instead, he puts all his effort into her.

But you are right (of course ) I had the whole man, not the shell that makes himself into something that he's not.

And yes, I don't really know how it is between them. But the fact that there is anything between them is bullsh!t. Just sayin

~~~~~~~~~~~

H comes up to bed a little before 2:00 am. After a few moments, he whispers to ask me to scratch his back. That turns into putting lotion on his back, arms and hands. He lays there for a few more minutes, starts wildly scratching again, then goes back downstairs without another word. I heard him turn on the tv downstairs. This morning, he said it was another night of very little sleep.

Keep on keepin on folks.

Happy Monday!

Hi Nero, didn't see your post till after I posted!

I believe we're not powerless, only that we don't have any control over what they do. We can leave at any point in time, our choice. Just knowing that helps me get through sometimes.

I think we are all figuring out our place in this world. Our H's are too - they are taking the wrong road to do it though - I feel like that's why it's even more important for us to stay on our path.

I was thinking about all the stuff you have and trying to organize. It is hard to let things so, there's always that "what if???" Interesting parallel, don't ya think?

For me, it was hard to let stuff go because I hated the thought of it just going in the trash. What a waste.

So now, I look for anyway to get rid of it that's not throwing it away. Are there any churches, schools, boy/girl scout troops that could use your stuff? I like to donate to the vets - my dad served in Vietnam, so it has meaning for me.

I also take things into work and leave them on the lunchroom table with a sign "free to good home". I mean, who needs 10 vanilla scented candles that are years old or unopened stationery that you think is ugly? People join in as well, bringing in lotion, bath stuff, books, etc. Maybe it's just switching junk, but at least it's not thrown out.

Have a good day Nero

"H comes up to bed a little before 2:00 am. After a few moments, he whispers to ask me to scratch his back. That turns into putting lotion on his back, arms and hands. He lays there for a few more minutes, starts wildly scratching again, then goes back downstairs without another word. I heard him turn on the tv downstairs. This morning, he said it was another night of very little sleep.

Weird behavior, huh Tvs? What is going through his mind? How can you stand him? How can he stand himself?

Like T^2 said, why can't they see this wonderful life is right here? Right in front of them!

Auughh!!! Patience girl, you've got a lot of patience!

Hi TVS,

Just adding a thought to the "whole" spouse vs "damaged/partial" spouse that the OP "gets"...W, I am sure, put on her "charms" (or one side of her personality) with all the EA's, PA and cyber boy-toys, and I know those "charms" quite well...but when the depression, controlling behaviors and such hit very hard Jan/Feb/Mar...per W, the other men "dropped away"...didn't want to/could not deal with her "other side", her shadow side. She even said her family didn't want to deal with it anymore, and her new friends told her they couldn't/didn't want to deal with it and that she needed a therapist.

So I reckon that, based on what you posted, sooner or later FT is going to not want to deal with the "other sides" of H, I think how she is dealing with her H shows where she will naturally go....away, on to something fresh and new and shiny and no "work".

In my sitch, I appear (as far as I know) to be the last man standing, able to deal with her shadow side, able to love the whole W, not just the fun, sweet or seductress, and have always been. And it appears that maybe W is seeing that all so slowly, and it is giving her pause...maybe a fresh look at reality (?)...

You once wrote a long time ago, "who is going to be the last one standing? This girl" (or something like that). I think it is still true, TVS...

T^2

"Just adding a thought to the "whole" spouse vs "damaged/partial" spouse that the OP "gets"...W, I am sure, put on her "charms" (or one side of her personality) with all the EA's, PA and cyber boy-toys, and I know those "charms" quite well"

It's all just a big phoney MLC stupid lie. My H does this too, it's easy to make up a charming personality when the EAs and cyer sex OW are online and not in person. Like my H telling RT that the fact that he leaves his "clients" to talk to her on skype every afternoon is proof that he loves her. Maybe, except that he does not have any clients. He does not even have a job. It's all a big lie.

And so is your H's relationship with FT TVS. You're right of course, the fact that there is anything between them at all IS BS, but YOU are going to be the last one standing. I know it! Keep remembering what you said, that FT speaks of her own H with coldness, while your H is moving towards you. That R cannot last much longer. It's hobbling along on life support now!

a cell phone burial urn would be just the thing!