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Hey MizJ,

Your H is "singular", too.

Except he isn't because they sure got that pattern of craziness down pat.

I very much believe that we all come to the best decisions for us in time. Cadet says in his opening posts that the "time is a gift" and at first, I took that as meaning wait long enough and MLC will play itself out. Now, I think that you have the gift of time when your H is making no sudden movements. You are in control of whether you stay or go. The lovely part of them not paying attention is that you don't have to be too secretive with your plans

Take care of you!

Lord J, your H is also SO confused. Nero and I were comparing their lack of feeling to Novocaine that you get for dental work. But to say "It's just Quebec, no major loss" -- hold crappola. That is COLD.

Hmmmm, maybe he forgot to put the ring back in the hidey hole? Did you look in his pockets? If it does not show back up, I bet it means he won and lost it gambling.

"And now comes the bad part. I went home and told this to H. But he didn't hear me. He heard.
I thought I wanted to have sex while I was on bed rest, and before you had the vasectomy. But now that you've had the vasectomy I don't want you any more.
The above equaled a starting gun on the race for "numerous women".
I have apologized and explained the true meaning of what I told him 4 million times. But he was imprinted by what he heard, and there's no erasing it. Of course, he didn't tell me at the time how he took what I said, it only came up with the revelation of the As. By that time the imprint was deep."

Are you sure that is what he understood you to have said, or is this one of those MLC marital re-writes? It reminds me of something my H said to me. I asked him why he tells everyone I have been cheating on him for 38 years, he could not possibly believe that. His answer was yes, he knows I have because I told him about one of my married co-workers having a crush on one of the attorneys when I worked at a big law firm for a while, no affair, just a crush. And also because when he was in the hospital during one of his illnesses, one of the male nurses asked to speak to me privately and put his arm around me. I told my H immediately that the nurse wanted to apologize for something nasty he'd said when my S27 got drunk at his senior prom and was taken to the ER years earlier -- my co-worker was horrible and said that I was a bad mother or else my son would not have been drinking at 17 years old. Except...his son just got drunk at his own prom, and he remembered how nasty he'd been, and wanted to apologize. That is my H's proof of my infidelity. And my mother in law says he told everyone in their family. Yikes. Maybe since your H never mentioned this before, he is just re-writing your statement to him about his vasectomy and not wanting to ML? You don't really know that he's been on a "race for numerous women" for the past 17 years, do you J? Maybe it was just that one one-night stand? God I hope so. I hate to see you in so much pain over something that might not even be true.

Thanks for the explanation about the game. My answers are SO confusing though. Not at all what I expected:
I see myself as blue, cool, calm and icy!???
Others see me as a penguin, cute, cuddly and sleek?!!??
I thnk of sex like the ocean -- calming, wet and wild
I see death as lonely, calm and echoy. Yikes.
What did your answers tell you about yourself?

hey hiya miz

i have one thing to say - it is my belief now, that your h and my h are kidding themselves along with us.

perhaps not intentionally - they are so nuts this moment i cannot make that call. my h lies to himself too as much as he lies(or lied) to me - it's clear from some of the totally goofy things he's said that are such HUGE AND BROAD SWEEPING history re-writes - it's embarassing to hear him utter them. i guess they sound good in his head - but outside in the light of day- i shudder at how simplistic & trite & just , well, crazy.

BUT - THE VASECTOMY- my h too. i would guess he just KNEW that it would secure him and ka bam- off and running.

i'm guessing totally- but i'm thinking it's just that knowledge deep down inside that they are now free to do whatever - WITH NO POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCE that puts their conscience into a coma and off they go- instinct gets free rein and there's no lookin back. lets face it- primordial urge to squirt as much you-know-what in as many possible hospitable places as can find (or can't outrun them) or stand still long enough. animal instinct at it's - what? best or worst? replicate yourself man....

will they ever return? idk- i've thought about the love them no matter what-

i've thought about the loving them thru thick and thin

i've wondered about the quality of my love

i'm thinking- it is more the quality of their ability to receive love, deserve it and feel it's as important in their life as it is. (well, i like to think i is) .

i'm not shirking responsibility- i have alot about everything.

HOWEVER - MY DEAR- I'M pretty darn sure scarlett that it's them - not us. they know we listen and think and inspect ourselves for flaws, responsibilitiy, etc- AND THEY USE IT TO FULL ADVANTAGE. THEY honed in on people LIKE US because we fulfill something they need and they know they can work us-

so they do. not necessarily always bad or maliciously- just it's possible and maybe irresistabble for them...

one wonders huh???

no kidding-

miz - me too. i have no place in my entire being to process this information

i just do not compute & it hurts like hell. idk- i feel like you

i am wondering or hopeful that it ever disappears from forefront of our minds & r's (if they still exist)

i cannot reconcile it- it's shoved waaay back to cob-webbiest corner of my soul til i can formulate some kind of response to it.

hang on - i can feel your - limboness with it-

nothin besides pain- can you shove it away somewhere for another day & try not to give it air time?

xxoo (())

hey mon-



oiy!!!

i see myself as
pink- cheery- friendly & someting else sappy
kitten - cute- sweet, something else sappy
the bay- calm, tranquil & inviting (soooo, boring as heck sex i guess.
death - quiet- calm & private

oh man- what a dull little goober i sound like - huh. i wanna be all heavy and philosophical and knowledgeable , etc.

instead of merely cheerful & cheesy- ta da. queen of cheese please

and as we all know from that song in kindergarten - "the cheese stands alone" ohhh noooo- mr bill...

xxoo

You are married to a sick man. What possible benefit is there to staying with someone like that?

Hello Portia

Thank you for stopping by.

It is interesting how perspective changes regarding DBing isn't it? What we think we start detaching for vs what we really end up detaching for.

It has certainly been an education - and it hasn't even been a year. I imagine in another few months yet another facet of this process will show itself.

I hope you are doing ok honey. I do think about you and your sitch. So polar from what I have, but still so hard

(((hugs)))

Linda,

Thanks for stopping by

Not that it excuses even a shadow of the cold, but do remember H is Canadian, and a long time veteran of the Franco/Anglo wars.
It did make me think though, there was a school somewhere in the middle east recently that was blown up for teaching Western ideas. And so and so group was saying it was a good thing.... What kind of humans are we to think any slaughter is a good thing simply because it was "them" on the receiving end? Maybe the whole world has MLC.

You KNOW I looked for that ring lol. IDK about winning/losing it regarding the gambling. H usually tells me on and on about his winnings/losings, I can't imagine why a ring would have been excluded. That's why it troubles me so, because he kept it secret. But, its not bothering me right now. Just another leaf on the tree.

Are you sure that is what he understood you to have said, or is this one of those MLC marital re-writes?
I don't know, and I don't know how I could tell? It is what he's said he heard for the last 17 years. Its one of those sitches where if you squint and turn your head juuuust right you can see what the other person sees. Or maybe what they want to see? He has mentioned it before, it came up at first affair revelation, and it came up again this time.

So your H has indisputable proof of your As. Hah. What are you going to do.... can't win for losing.

I know for absolute certain about the "first" (but his second affair) I knew the girl >shudder<. I found out about the real "first" by reading (snooping) H's emails to current ow. I'm thinking he wouldn't have lied to her about that, but who knows? There had been hints about such an event already, and I wasn't really surprised to learn of it. The one he got turned down by I had strongly suspected during that time period. Oh, and I also snooped an email to an old business acquaintance of H's where he opened with "You know I have always liked you, as a friend, and as even more than a friend."

Soooo IDK. IDK how many of these "numerous women" fell under what classification. PA, EA, flirtation? Its a fairly big tree, lots of leaves.

So you are a blue penguin? Lol. Just from "knowing" you on here, I would have to say you are more cuddly than icy

Its kind of hard for me to be objective because I know the "answers". But it is interesting to me that I have changed my mind on the answers since 20 years ago when I first learned it.

My fave color atm is turqoise. I find it intriguing (so many dif shades, some greeny some bluey) calming and pretty.

My animal is anything cute. Red pandas, bears, kittens, (did you google keeshond? my dog? Lol, he's very cute - when he's not barking!) Cute animals make me smile, they are cuddly and sweet.

My water is a lake. Refreshing, relaxing and calming.

My room is just kind of neutral. Calm, no panic. I envision a sort of waiting room.

Have a good night.

Nero-the-sappy-kitten!

Maybe eventually we "process" enough and just spit out the whole thing? Wouldn't that be nice.

And yes, I've thought too about the vasectomy giving H "freedom". Although, while he was with the "first" affair, before I knew of her, he did talk of getting it reversed. Good golly ugh. Go forth and multiply. Now I'm gonna have nightmares. Lol. Like I don't already. Sigh.

Its gotta get better Nero, hang in there hon.

Ah KML, tell me how you really feel!

This, this attitude, is what really really concerns me about continuing with H. More than the other women, more than the gambling.

And I swear he wasn't like this when I married him.

He may be a serial cheater, and he may have a gambling problem, but I don't think he's at the core an 4sshole. Not like this. Not with the squish game, and the hatefulness.

Peace to you.