Really? I think we, as adults, can deal. It's hurtful anD crazy making for sure, but I think ultimately we heal and go on.
But what your H is doing to your kids is not okay.. So you will remain their constant, their steadying hand, in their lives.
Marie is right about the food banks etc. get strong, look to your future and your kids. Your kids like cell phones, want cell phones, they don't need them. Your H is being a (fill in blank here). What you can control, do so. Take away any potential for the childish controlling behaviour he has been exhibiting.
If H wants to take dinner, suggest he pick up groceries and you will cook. That way maybe you get some food in the house.
Sorry about the funeral. I got no nothing on that behaviour....
Hey KP, Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your suggestions and support. I am mostly concerned about my kids these days. Interacting with their father has become an ongoing trauma. Arguments inevitably occur. We all need to work on doing things better in relation to this.
Interestingly, out of nowhere last night, the kids got credit put back on their phones (2 weeks after they let him know they had run out).
D17 received a FB message saying Hi, How was school today?
She was conflicted and didn't want to reply. She has not been at school for 2 weeks as it is swat vac / exam time for her, but XH is too disconnected from the kids' lives to know/remember.
I encouraged her to reply to him this morning, thanking him for the credit. She was resistant, so don't know if I'm doing the wrong thing...
He is exhibiting a pattern of doing something horrible, running away and into NC for a while, and then coming back and acting as if nothing ever happened.
I've been receiving calls from banks looking for XH and the car finance co called today demanding I pay this month's lease money ($1000).
Last week, judge ordered him not to sell the car (he announced out of the blue, mid-hearing, that he was planning to sell the car that is subject to settlement dispute) and also ordered him to pay S14's school fees.
Immediately thereafter, XH stopped paying both.
He WILL NOT be controlled.
He came by tonight - after S14 and I had seen him sitting out on the pavement eating area of a hotel restaurant as we came home from school basketball.
He always gets in contact after he's been busted spending money that he doesn't have. Phoned and said he'd come by and give S14 some money for clothes (promised $200, while his mate at the hotel was in ear-shot).
Stayed for 10 mins, gave S14 $55 and none for D17 ("That's all I have in my wallet, share it between you") and, as he was leaving, announced to the kids that he is moving interstate. To a location that is notorious for 'get-rich-quick' merchants and 'deal makers'. Sort of like "I'm off to Vegas."
Kids were devastated - abandoned all over again.
I felt almost exhilarated. Not to have to worry constantly about him appearing wherever I go.
I can't help but think things are falling apart, big time, for him. Literal escape is the only option.
OW will have to close her own business here and open up again interstate. Same for XH and his businesses. I suspect life is not working out as smoothly as they'd imagined.
Things must be bad if they have to up sticks and in the hope of making things better for them.
Kids won't see XH if OW is present. I suspect it's awkward with her in front of his family, too. I also imagine that most people who know us also think his walking out on us and taking up with OW, so immediately and blatantly, is off.
My L just rang to tell me XH had filed a discontinuance (!!!!) of his settlement claim (for half of my superannuation and $100,000) this afternoon.
In the meantime, I received a final demand for $1000 to pay this month's lease on XH's car. With a scary note about what failure to pay will do to my credit rating.
My head is spinning. What on earth is going on????
The discontinuance means he has dropped his whole case for settlement.
He lodged an application months ago claiming that he was entitled to a big pay-out from me.
He didn't take into account any of the massive debts he'd created and left me with, however.
Just out of the blue, and after the judge had ordered he do a number of things (file his financial docs, pay S14's school fees, not sell either of our cars), he lodged a discontinuance notice yesterday.
He's been pushing for this payout in settlement from me for 18 months now. I've already incurred large legal fees fighting it.
I got the debt notice for the car XH took because he made me sign as guarantor for the lease (threatening that I would lose the house - because of inability to pay the mortgage - if i didn't).
I'm bowled over by the recent turn of events. Trying to work out what it can mean.
I am sitting, waiting.
XH was in contact with the kids last night, asking for us to go to dinner with him tonight.
It's my dad's 89th birthday however, so we already have plans.
I'm brand new so in afraid I can't even begin to help you. But for those questioning the OP or her children for not wanting to be around the OW maybe you have not had the distinct delight of having one woman assist in actively destroying your family. In my case my dad had OW. Although my brothers and I know my dad is to blame, we want NOTHING to do with this OW. We will never ever meet her. My parents are just separated and not legally divorced and if anything were to happen to my dad I dare her to come to the hosp to see my dad, I will kick her right out of the place!
I am 34, brother 32 and 24 and this happened 4 years ago. We all have never changed our minds. Only difference is my dad knows better and he doesn't even say her name. He keeps her totally in the dark from us. If he gets another woman, fine. But we will never ever be around the person who contributed to our mother's misery. We do love and have come to accept our dad though and that wasn't easy at first.
OP I feel for you. Your children are still babies and I know how much you and they are hurting. Be strong for them and never "make them" do anything unless they want to when it comes to that "woman".
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
Thank you for posting your experience here. It helps a lot to hear how others relate to their WA parents. It helps me think more clearly about how to counsel my kids and to help them deal with their dad.
The universe has a way of balancing things out - sometimes it takes a while, but it does happen.
Those of you who've been with me on this journey will know that one big sticking point has been XH's refusal to provide any financial docs for a settlement.
Long, long story and lots of subterfuge.. but recently XH was court-ordered to provide me with the password for one of our accounts that he'd been operating online.
He refused and so I had to go cap-in-hand to the bank and explain the full circumstances - and beg them to release a long history of transaction statements without charging me.
Turned out the female bank worker knew that the female branch manager had just been through a similar trauma with her WAH. Both of them got on my case with gusto and pulled out all the stops to help.
We all ended up sitting in manager's office late one Friday night 2 hrs after bank had closed, working on how to get my massive credit card debt and mortgage down to manageable levels - and doing a lot of 'comparing' of what our XHs did.
I am constantly amazed at how kind and helpful people can be.
Also learned a lot about how not to come across, however.
The bank manager woman was not a DB-er.
She talked about wanting to have her XH killed and hiring private detectives, etc. Even though I completely understand what she's gone through (her H took everything she had, and the OW rang her home and announced the news of her existence to the 16-yr-old daughter), the bitterness was not a good look to an outsider hearing the story.
Anyway, I think I now have a couple of new friends for life. These are good, strong women who have integrity. They have my back. Just hope I can re-pay the favour.
Took my kids to the big football game last night, as I got free tickets. Previously, I would have walked on hot coals rather than have driven myself to such a big event and risked getting stuck in a massive car-park exit jam (I was such a worry-wort). Now, I take it all in my stride.
XH rang the kids that morning and offered to take them to the big game, as he had some 'spare' tickets. They just said no thanks, mum is taking us.
Thankfully, we didn't see him there (not that I looked).
