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So an update.

the party went well ... the W went early because my son had a baseball game so we were going to be an hour late or so. The OM and his family were actually leaving when I got there. So it worked out I guess. Had a decent time and left the W to be social on her own and I hung with the kids and other parents from the team. Wasnt rude to W but wanted to only interact when needed and to not be up her azz, as she eloquently said once before.

Ok so I need some advice on the latest development. Had a convo that turned bad yesterday. We had a mediation appt on fri and there was an issue on length of maintenance support for her. The recommendation was 5 and I stayed at 3. I could tell she was taken back by that by her look. It was the only disagreement we had so far. Well she got home and put her rings away. I didnt say anything until yesterday about it when we decided to talk about it. She mentioned it and I just said I have been very good with everthing regarding the separation agreement but that is a decision im not comfortable making longer. Then I said we forgot to talk about OP being around our kids when separate. She quickly said no and got up and said something about having "ho-bags" coming over my place all the time. I was taken back and said really where the hell did that come from. She went upstairs and I stupidly went up a couple minutes later.

I said something about pointing fingers at me when ive been faithful in my M. She then said the OM is no longer in the picture. I nearly fell over. I knew she has been a terrible mood and sensitive the last 3 days and figured she was having a hard time with the sitch in general. She then said I probably already knew. I think she believes I still talk with the OMs wife but I stopped that a month ago as it was making me feel worse. This news has made me have false hope again and I both welcome it and despise it at the same time. This was news that came right beforw the party and I had tp leave tp bring my son to his game. I texted her at the game to and simply said ...

:I am sorry I questioned your judgement regarding having others around our kids. I know that made you feel belittled. I apologize. It was wrong. The comment you made back to me is far far from the truth and I think u know that. My heart is completely broken right now and that is not something that will ever fix it.

The comment was regarding the ho-bags.

Now the advice I need is I that want to slow down this divorce. We are getting the house ready to sell and I dont want to. We have another mediation wednesday and I now want to reschedule for a later date. Im conflicted on how to do this without pissing the W off. I did mention slowing this process down a bit today and she didnt get mad and she said she thought I wanted to speed it up because this is the first I brought it up. I simply said that is not what I want.

So a lot to digest and its made me question my path moving forward. I tend to see her struggle with this times also but then other times she seems committed to D.

"Now the advice I need is I that want to slow down this divorce. We are getting the house ready to sell and I dont want to. We have another mediation wednesday and I now want to reschedule for a later date. Im conflicted on how to do this without pissing the W off. I did mention slowing this process down a bit today and she didnt get mad and she said she thought I wanted to speed it up because this is the first I brought it up. I simply said that is not what I want. "

Hi Steve,

Not much time to post right now but since you mention to her that that's not what you want and she didnt get mad. Try to re-schedule the max time you can so you can discuss more with her. Now that the OM is out of the picture delay the process as you can. Work with her she will need time to grieve OM and the fog will start to lift.

Now I'm not caught up w your sitch just read your last post. Take it for what it's worth.

Newman

Thanks NM. Just reading your signature your sitch seems very similar. I will have to read your posts to get some insight on your situation and how your doing.

Btw I hate writing on my phone. So I apologize all for my spelling and lack of grammar checking!!! As a 180 I avoid our computer for all intents and purposes unless absolutely necessary. It just was occupying my time and taking me away from my family.

interesting turn of events.....but DON'T have any expectations. Just because W is no longer with OM, doesn't mean she will want to be with you. What you need to do at this point is keep a positive focus towards your own life and work dilligently on your 180's. Be shiny, be intersting. Be someone that would win your wifes attention. Be the husband that only a fool would leave.....as cliche' as that sounds. It holds merrit.

You did okay during your conversation with W, but you could have done so much better. I have done really bad myself, so I have made an effort to improve my interactions with wife, every time we engage each other. You did apologize and own your reponsibility. You could have done better by validating her feelings. Also, remember that when she is engaging you, listen and validate. Your feelings aren't important right now. Hers are. If she wants to vent, be a willing ear. If she tries to test you, be slipperier than a ducks back. Do not point out your opinions or correct her.

You're doing great, Steve.

In regards to the speed of the divorce, I simply had a conversation with my wife about it. It sounds like you have had a similar one with yours. So, how do you slow it down? Simply tell her that you need to think about things. Tell her, "Wife I feel this is all moving too fast for me. I am going to need some time to think things through before moving forward with any life altering decisions. I am sorry, but I just need some more time". Then, simply drag your feet. If you don't make her feel pressured, and there is no conflict that she feels she needs to avoid, she is probably not going to push extremely hard on her own. At least, I don't think she will. I am not 100% sure if that it the best way to go about it, but that is the formula I used in my sitch. So far, it is working for me. Wife and I have not had a divorce/settlement conversations in quite some time.

thanks for responding sp:



I think she is more focused the last couple of days because she wants to get the house listed. This is driving her. Is she having hard days also, sure, but I think some of that is the sitch and some is the grieving of the OM unfortunately. So my opinion, and yes i know I should be careful with my opinions, is that she is sympathetically considering my slowing down request but will still move forward regardless.

Yeah as you can imagine, i feel bi-polar with the way my days go. One day I want the pain to be over and start the healing process. Other days I want to slow it down in hopes I will have more time to show her the man I have become and will strive to be. But my expectations eventually get shown the door, and she brings me back to reality with a comment or action or long letter ...

She just wrote me one this morning that brought me crashing down. It was very nice but had everything in there that generally says, "we are moving on, use the tools we have learned for future relationships, I still care about you, someday someone will provide you everything you want and deserve ... etc". It was very long so I won't bore everyone with the details.

The W did mention again the slow down. Here is an excerpt ...

"I do have to ask what slowing down the process is going to do. To me, it will seem to confuse the kids more. I am trying to take the appropriate steps given to me by my counselor to alleviate the confusion. As uncomfortable as this is, I also need to ask why you put you ring back on. Again, it adds to the confusion. I'm not asking these questions to upset you, but rather to get a better understanding of where your thoughts are. I guess it's all part of the communication you are asking for."

The letter basically puts a lot into perspective and gives little or no hope of reconciliation. Yeah I know most feel i'm early in my sitch and crazier things have happened, but this has gone so fast so I've been forced to kind of react accordingly. My only thing I can do at this point is just continue even more to back away and detach. Of course the detach part is always the hardest for most people, especially me of late with the latest developments of the OM ending. It makes it very easy to have false hope.

Steve,

Don't expect her to turnaround overnight. Her feelings are still very true to her she is still set on D. What I'm saying about the OM is that it wlll take her some time to grieve--months but its a good first step in your sitch. Don't make sudden moves like putting back your ring etc. that's pursuing especially 3days after telling you OM is out of the picture.

Don't fight the D but if you both agree to delay without any arguments then do so. Continue on your path. I'm out of time got to go to work. But check out hopefulstill's post.

Newman

I am somewhat confused by her saying, "I do have to ask what slowing down the process is going to do. To me, it will seem to confuse the kids more. I am trying to take the appropriate steps given to me by my counselor to alleviate the confusion". I find it hard to believe that her counselor is telling her to rush through a divorce.....haha. She is simply picking and choosing what she WANTS to hear.

Now, take her letters into consideration with what you know about DBing. What she is saying in these long letters and conversations is simply SCRIPT. My wife told me the very same things. I think if we took a taly, most of us here have heard those same words. The WAS has to say these things. They have to believe them. The reason being, is the WAS has to convince not only you, but themselves as well, that they are making the right decision. I believe very much that your W wants this divorce and she wants it right now, at least I believe that to be true today. Tomorrow?... maybe she won't. Given TIME and CLARITY, most of us will make better decisions. All of her emotions (yours as well) are very raw right now. Hopefully, she will allow things to slow down so that you both can have a better opertunity to make solid decisions. You know this of course. She still needs to realize it, and at some point I think she will.

You are not going to find a clue to her wishing to reconcile in these letters. You won't find a clue anywhere. Trust me, everyone here has looked for them. Right now, your wife wants out. She wants to get away from you. What you have to do is remove the pressure. Give her some space. Be caring, but not overbearing. Let her see your 180's from a distance and be very consistent with them. Be upbeat. Be happy. Be the best dad you can be. Be attractive. What you are wanting to do is make her, over time, start to think about her choices. Your 180's need to be genuine.

Right now.... drag your feet, Steve. Do it in the best way you know how, but slow things down. Do it without conflict. Do it without pressure. Just let her know that these are the biggest decisions you have had to make in your entire life, and you don't want to have any regrets. Tell her you just need some time to really think about your decisions....just a little time.

Yeah I just tried.

M: W I just want to explain something without anyone getting angry or misunderstood.

W: Okay - what's up.

M: We have a mediation meeting tomorrow. I would like to put it off for a bit until I can better understand some of the hard decisions I need to make.

W: silence

M: I clearly don't want to upset you and my intentions are not to stall this process, but I just want a little time to digest everything still. Our last meeting I felt that I was making some decisions that were made in anger somewhat. And I think you could sense that. I don't want to have to repeat that.

W: What kind of time are you looking for ... days, weeks a year?

M: I can't answer that specifically but I know days is not what I'm looking for and obviously a year is also not what I'm saying.

W: I'm not sure what this is going to accomplish. I am just confused.

M: I am confused also - it's only been a couple of months and I don't want to make these life changing decisions hastily.

W: We have all the decisions made - we only have the length of maintenance left and some other small issues.

M: I understand that but those decisions aren't final yet and they are not small issues.

W: I dont have time to talk anymore ... fu. [Click.]


Well - that could've went better. I texted back and I asked if I heard that last part right. She said "Like you say - our emotions are high and I'm angry". I didn't answer back. I think anymore right now would be counter-productive and I wanted this to sit for awhile. However she texts back again.

W: I am mad but I don't understand.

M: I don't want conflict - I really really don't. I just want you to understand my point of view - just a little bit. Your decisions have been made apparently for awhile. I feel like I am forced on your timeline - please have a little compassion.

W: I dont want conflict either. Ironically the mediator just called to confirm tomorrow - Im assuming you didn't call yet. I dont mind waiting till next week but I have a concern putting off listing the house as I was told interest rates are going up and that could work against us.

M: Thx - I didn't call yet. I will call when I get a minute.

At this point, I dont want to get into her forcing me into a week timeframe again and making things worse. It's good that she came back and tried to ease the tension though. However I think it's to keep this going on the amicable path, which is really what I want also but at the same time trying delay this.

I feel like I'm living the game of thrones at times and everything is done with an agenda. My only agenda is to try and keep my M and family intact but I feel I need to weave these multiple threads of: doing this amicably, not rocking the boat, keeping my own interests secure, keeping the kids happy, making myself a better man, having a PMA during all this and filling my W's love jar without looking like a desperate slouch for doing so.

For those that do watch GoT I have this quote in my head when I think I have it figured out then I come back to reality.

"You know nothing John Snow."

You handled that very well. Of course she was angry. Remember, for all intents and purposes, she has it in her mind that she wants this divorce like, YESTERDAY! I was met with similar repsonses from my wife. I am sure that most of us were. Just stay your course, Steve. Meet her with compasion, calmness and understanding. Avoid conflict at all costs. If she says, FU....then suck it up and FO! She WILL settle down eventually. Everyone does.

I dont LOL very much lately but this got me. Thanks SP you may have not meant it but that helped me find humor in something today.