Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again And so the piecing begins.....

I'd rather be at the beach then do homework...

oh wait... you CAN be at the beach and do homework...

Good post above, hope all is going well for you.

KD....thanks for checking in....things are going well. Last night my wife told me she feels like I'm holding back on moving to reconciling, which was a great discussion because I am only to try and give her time. This is great because: a) she told me her feelings about me holding back and b) I got to express my concern for moving too fast.

When she first told me about wanting to try, we moved really quick into many discussions that weekend like who's house we'd keep, what to do with having to sell furniture, etc., planned a quick summer trip. Just basically jumping back in it too quick because she put a halt on it later that week (discussion, not trying).

Our biggest concern going into this is not as much about us, but about not confusing our kids. Trying to do that with as little impact to them as possible. We also know it still might not work, so again not wanting to give them the idea that we're all a big happy family together and then it doesn't work.

Thanks again for checking in and hope you have a great weekend.

"worried about stress level creeping back in" it will creep back in. Being parents to young kids is fabulous but as we all know at times can be stressful...I too did all the talking for my S. This is one of my 180. My H also put up those walls. I have the same concerns as you. Really need to read up myself on piecing. I have been here before in Feb. when H moved back home for 2 weeks. All seemed great to me. H was still struggling with inner turmoil. Have asked what is different this time around..As for me, I think H noticed my GAL. noticed how happy and busy kids and I were. We've got a lot of work to do.

Willbwell,

Thanks for checking in. It is all so awkward because you feel like you're making headway and then you're not. When my wife thinks about it all, it really messes her up. When we just try to live life, she's an all-star. I've been trying to move into the direction of just living life, but she'll have a bad morning and she's trying to climb out of it.

It can be so confusing, but I try to ground myself back into what got me out of the rut which was being positive and the best dad/husband I can be. It was easier to get out of the rut before she talked about reconciling because the emotions are tugging in all directions.

Breathe in with the good and out with the bad.....

Trying

Didn't realize how frustrating this piecing can get and needing to vent. We had a fantastic weekend this past weekend and had therapy on Monday that was very helpful. But it seems like the more we spend time apart (she spent the night at my house Saturday and Sunday night) the more she doubts this working out.

It's my birthday on Saturday and we're planning on going out for dinner and the kids are staying at her mom's. I feel like the closer we get to that date the more pressure she's feeling. She's the one who asked for the date as she wanted to take me out. We did break the ice on sex this past weekend so it's not that pressure although it still might impact.

She continues to talk about how she's the only one who can mess this up because she was the one who ran and asked for divorce. I think she's scared about people knowing we're trying to R because they'd continue to support me as she'd be the one who would bail. In our therapy session Monday, I brought this up because I believe it's really impacting our potential R.

In my view, we've gotten to this point and we're here. There's no reason to dweel on why we're here and only the chance to move forward. We both contributed to the demise of our marriage and now have an opportunity for a whole new relationship. We've talked about what a real blessing / opportunity this is for each of us, for us as a couple and for us as examples to our kids yet she seems to be hitting the panic button.

Just got off the phone with her and there was definitely some tension. Just feeling a little bit lost as it was so easy doing the 180, being positive, growing when not having the pressure or letting the pressure get to me. I guess it was so easy to protect yourself when there was very little to protect from when she wasn't interested in R.

Doesn't change the fact that I'm the only one who can control my reaction to my emotions. Either cower under the pressure or rise above and grow. I know what route I want to go but I realize it might be harder than before. Good news is this will continue to challenge and provide opportunities to learn / grow / discover what I'm capable of doing as a man, husband and father. Whew....glad to end that on a positive note.

Trying

Just out of curiosity, why do you think "holding back" meant not moving fast enough?

Where else might you be holding back? Are you afraid to be vulnerable with her?

Being considerate of the kids and accepting things could still not work out, does not have to equal holding back. Going slow does not have to mean holding back.

So, where ELSE might YOU be holding back, other than going slowly?

You indicate that when your W and you are just "living life", she's "an all star". That's great. What about you? How often do you have doubts? Are you "all in" when you are not thinking about your fears?

And you post about how things slow down when you think the two of you aren't making headways. So... you have certain expectations? How does "making headways" look like, for you? Are you and your W both on the same page as far as what that looks like, for BOTH of you?

Also, understand that she is not so powerful as to be the only one who could mess things up. You are certainly capable of messing things up, as well.

How can you re-enforce in her that her efforts are both appreciated and valuable to your future together?

KD....many thanks for the questions... ultimately, I think I've felt "required" to go slow to not have her panic but I definitely see where this is keeping her at bay... it's a catch 22 that is winning, but I see my flaws in it and how I handle myself.

I'm 100% all in all the time, but I see where my holding back can come across in my wife's eyes as this week goes on. I guess making headways for me is having more positive time than reaction to these feelings. We haven't communicated this as we get started and I think it would be helpful to chat on this.

Many more thoughts are moving in my head now after these questions and they're all helping sort out some of my fears. Can't thank you enough for that. More on this later.....

What you're going through is perfectly natural. It's only been a few weeks that your W said she wanted to "try". Has she gone to C?

Hey Mr Bond,

Yeah, I thought these were the ebbs and flows of piecing, but once you actually get into them it's a little harder to manage. Making steps to ensure I keep my feelings in check as much as possible.

The Mrs and I have been seeing a LMFT since early March. My wife wanted to continue to go monthly to learn how to co-parent and now we've increased frequency given her willingness to try (trying to do weekly). She is not seeing an IC which I wish she would to help her deal with this anxiety about potential for failure and totally blaming herself. We talked about this at our last session together and our counselor told her she can't take all the blame as this is a relationship of two people.

It's my birthday tomorrow and we have a night out planned with the kids sleeping at my MIL's. I'm hopeful her anxiety doesn't make an appearance, but we will see. I just have to be super positive, enjoy myself and let things flow as best as they can. This will be our first "date" since her decision to try. We had one scheduled the week she changed her mind on D, but she cancelled because of pressure / anxiety.

Although she's not going to counseling by herself, our sessions together have been very helpful. Just trying to find the right mix to keep both myself and her happy. I think the less I worry about her the better my chances are, but sometimes it's difficult to pull off.

Thanks,
Trying

Intense therapy session today that really cleared the air on both of our sides. Afterwards, we sat in her car continuing to clear it all out and realizing all the catch 22's that we're trying to survive including, but not limited to:

1) Her in-n-out in wanting to try at reconciling is pushing me to not be as open / nervous about trying reconciling;

2) Me not being open makes her mad as it's what I did for years

3) Her being mad causes me to crawl back which makes her not want to do anything with me.

This was all prevelant during our marriage, but recognizing it now while we're trying to reconcile is crucial for us to not snap at each other or turn away so easily. For the first time in our relationship, I finally realized that sometimes when she seems she's at her most confident it's really a face that she's putting out there to protect herself. I was really stunned when I saw this.

Our therapist asked my wife to try and park Divorce for 3 months and not to think about it again until 3 months from now. She did so because she can see that my wife runs to that as an option all the time when she gets scared. Without that as a viable option (for now) she might be able to open up more.

Lots of work still to be done, but a great session. Don't have another one for two weeks, but hoping to take some steps in the right direction with what our counselor taught us today about avoidance. We both avoid in different ways and for different reasons. We'll see what we can do.

Later,
Trying