Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The View from the Blanket VI

Hi, bustin'! Missed you!

Glad to hear you've had a good summer with your kids.

You sound strong. You seem much clearer about moving forward w/o your H.

Whatever your decisions they need to be for you. I am also moving forward so I know where you are in your thought process.

You deserve a happy life. Right now H (and who knows for how many years) your H cannot be part of that.. maybe never.

Continue to take care of you! (((((HUGS))))) and welcome back!

Good to see you back, busting. The vacation must have been very good for you. You sound strong and determined. I’m very inspired by your words.

He maybe was just telling them what he thought they wanted to hear.

He is still deep in thats for sure.

You are doing well busting!

Hi Busting,
So glad to see you back - I was worried about you!

Thank you so much for posting the details of what has happened.

I find it very useful to note the parallels in mlc- it helps me to remember that this is a process that has to be played out.

My H has said the same about OW - she is just available; they have no 'relationship'; he and she 'deserve' each other because they are such bad people.... and yet, also that he 'cares' about her.

Never heard the L word in relation to her though.

I was really taken by your words to him: That you believe in him and know that one day he will face his demons.

I think I still feel that way about my XH...

How did he react? Did any of it produce a response from him?

You are doing great. Big hugs to you and you kids.

Ruby, GTO, Bright...thank you for your kind words and continued support. I know I have not been posting but I have been reading along all summer and I will get back. You are all amazing.

Cadet, I agree he was probably just telling them what they wanted to hear. Although I think they would have 'rather' heard that it is meaningful. At least there would be a 'reason' for it all..you know what I mean? For me of course that would have been a lot more painful if he HAD said that to them. To them they think he is loco for it all when he says these things. To them they think, why be with a woman like that then in the first place?

NLW, I have been reading up on you and you seem to handling the craziness pretty well. I am impressed with your continued calm and rationale. He did not respond except with 'ok'. He did say when he comes back he will respect my boundaries. It seems like he 'wants' boundaries. He doesnt fight it or question it. I dont know what that that means in his head. He didnt seem to appreciate the open door policy, and now he doesnt seem to mind a more scheduled policy. I dont know. He doesnt seem to be able to handle parenting very well.

I do firmly believe that H will still have his toughest days ahead of him. I do believe that he is more ashamed of himself than his affair...I do believe that he is too afraid to rip off the band aid still. I am convinced that he is being manipulated, unknowingly, and that he has convinced himself that he is in control.

I spoke to my dad today and he also said to take my decision making slow. Nothing out of emotion or hurt. I know I am still very upset by H not coming to D6 birthday and the guilt that S8 feels because he is happy H IS coming to his bday next week. If I were left to my old own devices I would have told H to f off forever. Slow and steady is what I need to be.

I really do believe that the best I can do for my M, H and my kids is to continue moving forward while placing these new boundaries on H when he is in town. I will see how it works out for us all. I have given H reassurance about my belief in him (and I do believe in him) yet realise that it is not my time to be with him.

Big hugs to you all. You know I love you xxx

Your Dad sounds awesome... lean on him a little. I sure wish I had parents to really be able to talk to.

Thank you subguy. I will try to indeed. How are you doing?

I was thinking that I found it strange when I spoke to H about boundaries, that as long as he continues to violate himself and the family and lie to me and the kids he will no longer come over in the mornings before school and we will set the times that he will see the kids so that they can rely on him. He was ok about it. No arguments. No attitude of entitlement or defensive or saying no. He said ok whatever you want. I found it strange that while he is defensive about every other aspect of his life style choices, and even how his choices affect the kids, he was not defensive about this. I dont understand that.

Don't try to, as he probably doesn't himself.

One of the best things I've learned from this whole learning experience is, Don't take things personally. It's required some time for me to really take it in but it's so true that what people do and say is usually about them and very rarely about me. They are reacting out of their own unmet needs, usually from a time long ago. I know I've done things that were hurtful to people and I wasn't doing it to hurt them, it was all about my own hurt.

He will mess up relationships, including those with his kids until he takes responsibility for his life. You can't change that. It's heart wrenching that they hurt because of it but again, you can't change that.

You can be their support and their soft place to land.

Set some boundaries that are all about you and the kids,enjoy your life with them.

((()))Welcome back!

I hear you Bug. Especially about doing things to people that were hurtful den though not intentional... It was me that was/is hurt.

I suppose I am just surprised that he is so agreeable to the boundaries. My first thought was/is that he wants this... He wants to live this divorced style life with the kids. He does not want to be a full time father. I know his actions have said this for ages - a part of me thought that deep down though he was struggling and that his kids were his one true source of joy in his life. But I guess it makes sense. He now has less responsibility with the boundaries. At least it will give the kids more stability and we / they won't be waiting around for him wondering when/if he is coming.

Busting, Labug gave you great advice. It's good to see you're back. I think of you often and pray for you most nights.
(((((((((((()))))))))