Honestly, I really am just viewing it as a nice moment with S. I know it's not foreshadowing or anything along those lines.
Yes, there is still fear in me - I certainly can't deny or hide it. However, I do feel as though it is lessening over time. As noted, I think it's just taking time for me to get over all that has happened with her moving back to her place.
I'm not making excuses, and I definitely know that there is more to be done in terms of moving on, but I am trying. Where I struggle is striking the balance between giving up and moving on. It really, really is a grey area. How do you not give up, yet move on?
To me, it's not giving up vs moving on. It's just moving forward.
Regardless of what happen you will never move past having XW in your life esp with S. You will also will never have what you had before because M evolves. Do you aren't really giving up anything
You have to look at how you want to proceed. How you want to live from this day forward. So what do you really want
If you don't want to date and just be a great dad. That's perfectly ok....as long as you are doing it from a place of peace.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Where I struggle is striking the balance between giving up and moving on. It really, really is a grey area. How do you not give up, yet move on?
I agree with Harrier, it's not "giving up". Giving up implies failure, and Heaven knows there are few if any quitters on these boards. Quite the opposite, the people here are incredibly hard workers, putting tremendous effort into marriages that are seemingly beyond hope. Whether you work at it for months or years, getting to the point of acceptance that perhaps the M can't be saved and deciding to move on to a new life is not giving up at all. It can be as big a success story as saving the M.
I guess I equate "giving up" with no longer wanting to get back to R. I see "moving forward" as progressing on with my life but not slamming the door shut on the possibility of R. Does that make sense?
In my heart, my core - I still want my family back. I know I can't control it, but I don't think that is a "want" that will be out of my system anytime soon. I get that it is something not to obsess over....and I get that I should not perpetually look in the rear view mirror to see where she is. I am giving her time and space and hoping that at some point her path will lead her back to our family. I am hoping that time will be my ally in one way or another. Crimson
[quote=Crimson]MM, you learn to make the most out of your one arm while you have to. Not fun, but doable. I try to hold fast to the notion that you never know what the future holds.
As for what my S said, still processing - and maybe I look to hard for some kind of divine peace or symbolism in the melee that I am in, but it really was strangely comforting even if it was just a toddler babbling.
CRIMSON---
Please read NOTHING^^^^ into a 3 year olds words. Truly, no point in it. Your wife has certainly mentioned you & your son has no doubt asked her if she loves you-to which she said, "oh Yes!"
Nothing more...b/c IF there is more, it Must come from Her mouth alone.
Do Not spend another second on minutia like this, my dear friend.
((((( !!! ))))
From iPhone so I apologize for errors. Impossible to highlight. I can only review a few sentences at once.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I'm doing well, jp (and others), thanks for asking.
There hasn't been a ton of new development in my situation per se. I've just been sticking to my "limitd contact" path for awhile now, and it has been somewhat helpful. I do not initiate any unecessary contact at all (I think I slipped once...maybe twice) and I take my time responding when she reaches out.
I am finding that XW is "calming down" a bit since the emotional outburst resulting in her leaving the house a second time. She sends unsolicited notes about S and pictures. She has even throw out one or two nice compliments here and there - told me I looked "like a Ralph Lauren model" yesterday as I was picking S up. I jokingly struck a "Zoolander-esque" pose and we chuckled. When she dropped S off at my place on Sunday she was quick to remind me to water some of the plants she left behind.....which I was clearly not doing.
Granted, I know this has no real meaning in anything outside of the fact that things are "friendly" and I am leaving her alone and being upbeat and positive whenever we interact.
She says that S has been talking a lot about our "big beach day" coming up this weekend. Still nervous, but it will be fun......I went and picked up some new clothes for us for the photo shoot I scheduled. I think they will will turn out nicely...weather permitting.
I have been digging around sections of the boards and finding a lot of old posts and stories that have been helpful. Some of what I have found really relates to my situation and has helped me see things through a slightly different lens.
Not sure how much longer I can quietly, peacefully endure the hostility my mother holds towards XW. I didn't even bring her up and here is a rough transcription of out phone chat today.
Mom: What your schedule with S like?
Me: Same as always.
Mom: So did you have to bring him to her yesterday on your way to work?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Isn't that out of your way?
Me: A little, but not by much - it's not a big deal.
Mom: uh huh
Me: Well, what else are we going to do??
Mom: She could get up off her lazy a$$ and come get him in the morning!
Me: She's not lazy. It's not at all about her being lazy.
Mom: I'm about tired of you defending her, she IS lazy!
Me: Well, we see it differently.
Mom: Well you're the only one that sees it that way so you had better start looking at yourself.
Me: believe me, I have done plenty of that. Let me know if you need anything - bye.
Despite everything, I still get irritated when my mom maligns her....she is the only one that does. She hasn't even SEEN her since before BD let alone interacted with her enough to be able to make value judgements. And lord knows I'm not feeding her information. It really makes me want to distance myself from her. I get less that zero support from her in trying to maintain my family in one configuration or another.
So I have been very reluctant to mention this lately for a myriad of reasons, so I will disclaim it first. I know that there is NOTHING AT ALL that I can do about it. I know that it does NOT absolve me of the things that I did that contributed to the implosion of my M....I don't duck and run from those things anymore. I know that it does not make any case WHATSOEVER that XW will return. I know that it does not change my course ofmaction. And finally, I know I could be off base.
That said, I have been digging around on the boards more than usual over the last few days and have spent some time looking at MLC (both here and elsewhere). Keeping in mind all that I have disclaimed above, I'm. I'm not convinced that there isn't an element of that going on in my situation. I read (a few times) the six stages of MLC that appeared on this board long ago and there are some things there that ring out as clear as a bell with my sitch over the last two years. In terms of behaviors, things that have been said, things that have been done, timing, etc - some of it really hits home.
Again - nothing I can DO about it and frankly the prescription for MLC is the same as DB.....let them go lovingly, focus on you, don't take things too personally, acknowledge their journey and move forward. And if it IS MLC, maybe they'll get trough it and maybe they won't.
I guess for me it was just interesting to get and understand that perspective. I think I am in a better place to receive and understand that information than I was some time ago. Needed to work on me first. Still do.
