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When I mentioned above about OMW "(We are all mutual friends)", it should read "We WERE all mutual friends". We obviously aren't any more

Do I ask W about the affection lately? I'm sure she knows I'm aware, but do I tell her I've noticed and ask her if she wants to talk about it?

After that do ask her why she still hasn't gotten back to me about re-filling out the Love Language quiz? Why she hasn't read the Project Happily Ever After booklet I gave her?

"Again, these convos could be nothing, but I'd be lying if I said I don't pay attention to stuff like this."

This is EXACTLY the kind of stuff you need to be paying attention to. These are good signs.

As for the other issues, have you ever thought that she's extremely worried about her surgery and that intimacy is the last thing on her mind? That's YOUR NEED. What have the two of you been doing together?

AND do not ask her about the LL test. It's a good thing to know what your W's LL is, BUT let it go for now. Bottom line is that she doesn't FEEL it.

Thanks Bond

She says she's not worried about the surgery, but perhaps she's putting on a brave face. I am very attuned to the situation and will be there for her in anyway I can.

We've spent a lot of time with D7 and S5. They both just started soccer. It's been fantastic, a real coming out party for the both of them. Great family bonding times. We've done other family day trips the last couple weeks too, all went well.

I took W out on date for her birthday last weekend. It went really well, we had great conversation and plenty of laughs, it was nice to go out with just the two of us. It was actually the one time in the last few weeks that the affection was going both ways. We held hands when we walked, she came cuddled me a couple times while we were in some stores....it was nice.

We've got a wedding tomorrow and we'll be without the kids for the day. I plan to make the most of it and have a great time.

I won't mention the LL test.

I don't want to sound like a broken record Bond but thanks for sticking with me, it means more than you know...

I agree with Mr.Bond- those are good signs.

Your entire focus right now should be on getting her through her surgury with understanding and care. While I'm sorry to hear that she needs surgury, it's a great opportunity to shower her with care and attention. Show her you are the man that can take care of her when you are both old, grey and falling apart .

At all costs, avoid any disrespectful statements (like correcting her when you think she's wrong, using sarcasm, bringing up the past, pontificating on any subject etc.). Doing ANY of these things reverses, by a wide margin, any positive things that you do. Think of her heart as a bucket that you are trying to fill with water. Once the bucket is overflowing, she will be in love with you. Each time you speak her LL you will add water. Each time you are disrespectful, or do anything that hurts her feelings, you are drilling holes in the bottom of the bucket. It will never overflow as long as you are putting holes in the bottom.

Your absolute main goal at your stage is to get her to fall in love with you. Forget everything else at this point. Everything will fall easily into place once she's "in love". She will begin to ask for time alone and intimacy from you. Do not, for one second, ask yourself "what is in this for me". You will get a happy marriage at the end of this as long as you stay focused on meeting her needs, which will cause her to fall in love with you.

This can be a difficult stage for very different reasons than when your wife was one foot out the door. Stay patient. Stay loving. Be the man of her dreams. In nobody's dream does the leading man lecture you on what you should be doing, or make you feel ashamed of your past actions. Once she's out of the fog, she will feel bad enough all on her own without your input.

Additionally, I don't know how much time you spend alone with her, having fun, but double or triple that amount of time. Be a joy to date. Plan new adventures and invite her along. Only focus on fun. Show her that a new life together will not be like it was, you will offer more to her than any other man could. Gaze into her eyes and tell her how beautiful she looks under the lights (or candles, or sunset). DO NOT TRY TO MAKE OUT WITH HER, OR ML! Let her decide when the time is right. Instead, put your arm around her, hold her hand, rub her shoulders, run your fingers through her hair. She needs to feel she's with a man that LOVES her, not one that wants to ML with her (that's for later).

Oh, and do the dishes. Pick up after yourself. Ask her "what can I help you with?". Notice when you are out of milk or bread and pick it up on the way home. Dont wait to be asked!! Be a real partner to her. Watch as that "look" comes back into her eyes as she gazes at you!

Thanks Hopeful, great comments.

I agree with your outlook, and I get there MOST of the time.

I still have some of my own things I'm working on. There's times, not all the time, but times, over the last few weeks that I feel these thoughts creep in:

-I have a hard time continuing showing her affection if she doesn't reciprocate.

-There's times I want to go quiet, stop showing her affection just to see if she'd notice and/or come to me.

-I'm not sure how to word it properly, but I almost feel weak or grovelling

-I read things like MMSLP and start getting it into my head to use SOME of its principles to up my Alpha etc etc (the Alpha thing has come up in our R in the past), then it conflicts with what were suggesting above and I get confused on what I should be doing

It's possible my ego is playing a large role in these thoughts. I'm a proud person.

I appreciate your comments, I plan on touching on a few more of them when I get another moment...

BC,



I think you need to be patient regarding the sex. I know it took a long time for me to be attracted to my H again, and feeling pressure to have sex made it worse. And, ironically, I couldn't stand my H's kisses at the time. I never thought about it before OM but after, I didn't like them at all. That is all changed now and I love his kisses again. She sounds like me and it sounds like she is trying to push you away because she isn't ready inside.

As for making you feel deflated, does she feel that way when you take care of yourself? Probably not. Not everything is about you. She has to work through this at her pace.

Being the WAS doesn't make everything roses on your end, you have a lot of emotions to deal with and even though she wants to R, it doesn't mean everything goes away at once.


Be patient. And please, stop trying to talk about everything. I don't know if you were a big talker before her A or not, but my H wasn't and then afterwards he wanted to talk about EVERYTHING. I couldn't stand it, it drove me further away.



Maybe it feels like she hasn't put any work into it. It took me a long time. My feeling now is that I was so far out of my M, it actually took me a couple of years of getting back in to actively be able to work on it. Many days I wanted to but just as many I didn't. All of the pressure made me want to run away. It is not an easy road. Continue to DB, GAL and give her time.



What did your MC focus on? Just the affair or what happend in your M that allowed your W to feel it was okay to make that choice?

Our sessions always seemed to revolve around my A and how H felt about it, the damage it did, etc. It was as if everything bad in our M started the day my A did because we never discussed the things leading up to it. It was infuriating..and we tried 3 different MC's. There wasn't a single one who would help steer the conversation to other issues, or to how to talk about these things without arguing or yelling even when I flat out asked them to.

If you want to go to MC, you need to be sure to find one who is SB, and you need to talk to your W about your concerns about where you are NOW. Let her know that you want to go to learn how to move forward together.



What does this affection look like? If they are "playful but sexual touches" that is not affection and is a turnoff when you are struggling in your M. Sometimes even when you aren't. It's nice just to be hugged for no reason, have a hand on the arm or back as you walk by, etc.

Hang in there BC, it sounds like she wants things to be better. You need to be more patient than ever.

Thanks so much LTH, perspective from your side is very helpful.


W has confused me in this regard.

4-5 months ago I felt like she needed space so I didn't pressure or initiate sex for few weeks. She then initiated, we had S, then afterward she asked why she was always the one that had to initiate. I told her I was just giving her space.

So we'd had S a few times after that point then she denied me a few times. After one of the denials I brought it up the next morning and she said "well you didn't try very hard". (like she wanted me to pursue her)

Then about a month ago our mutual friend told me W had been feeling some pressure to have S, so I backed off. That's where we've been since.

We've been reconciled for about a year, I'm not 100% but I think this may be the longest we've gone without S.


That's the thing, we barely talk about it. There's many times I want to but I just leave it.

We've had two big R talks in the last 10 months. One was in October when I found out she called OM a couple times. I told her I needed to take a step back from marriage, she instantly had an "awakening", begged me to work on it, and said she was in marriage 100%. She even wrote me a letter, which I posted here. It was at that time I joined this forum.

Our other big talk was over a month ago when I received a text from OMW. She had just found out and reached out to me and told me some info that confirmed W had lied about posting pics during A. We had a long R talk during this, at the beginning of which she said she didn't see us being married in 3 years.

Everything has seemed good before this so I'm hoping she just had her guard up and was deflecting and the convo was fairly emotional.

The very next day we had a heart to heart and both agreed we wanted to work on it.

We had S about a week after that talk which was initiated by her, it went very well.

I initiated a few days after and we had S but I could tell she didn't want to.

A couple days after that (about a month ago) our mutual friend tells me W has been feeling pressure and so I backed off.


Understood. I'm hoping she's just having a off few weeks (upcoming surgery, new business stress) and that it isn't something more.


We focused mainly on communication. We did discuss affair but didn't focus on it. I tried ti gear the convo toward moving forward.[/quote]



Up until a few weeks ago my affection included being playful with sexual touches, but she had no problem with it, she played right along.

We would do walk by hugs and kisses, cuddle on the couch, fall asleep holding hands etc. 50% was initiated by her.

The last month 90% of this is initiated by me. I'd still done the odd playful sexual touch but she has seemed uncomfortable at times...this is a first. So I've pulled back on those as well.



Its possible, but she's been acting like this for a couple weeks before she even found out she needed surgery.

I've asked her a few times how she's doing with it and she seems genuinely fine. She's actually opted to have a hysterectomy (remove uterus) at the same time. She said she looks forward to not having periods (they we're bad at times). I'm keeping a close on this, she's been known to keep things in and not tell me how she's really feeling until we've talked about it a few times.

BC39,
Again, I think it's pretty simple for you right now: she's not in love with you. That's ok though, she can be in love with you again, provided you do the right things CONSISTENTLY. At the same time, she needs to be out of a "withdrawel" phase, which she is in right now (it protects her heart). Basically, she came out of her shell a bit, but went right back in because you did things that hurt her. You won't be able to make much progress with her in this state, you'll have to wait patiently until she feels comfortable enough again to emerge. If you mess up again, and are disrespectful- boom, she'll go right back into herself. Be very careful- you could cause her to believe that you can't change, and you will lose her.

As I wrote before (re- read my post), only focus on time alone and having fun. Do not be disrespectful- if you're not sure what constitutes being disrespectful in marriage, read, read, read articles on the web (it will surprise you). You probably are making mistakes and are not even aware of it.

An affair is a fantasy. Understand that part of that fantasy, which was interrupted in the middle, is that neither participant has any real faults. They just don't see them. They spend all of their time telling each other how wonderful they are. Forget about that "alpha" stuff- this guy was just flattering her and listening to her- that's it! By comparison, you seemed like a needy, whining complainer that was scolding her for being "wrong", and pushing himself on her sexually. Which person would seem more attractive to her?

You need to entice her the way that he did. Talk, flatter, make her feel special. Stop trying to get in her pants. You almost (and still may) lost this woman- don't push her out the door. Use some empathy, think about the whole situation from her point of view. I know it's hard not to fight for your unmet needs, but are you meeting all of hers?

By the way, if you keep pushing her for S, you may inadvertently cause her to have a sexual aversion to you. Heck, it may already have happened. This will take time to work through.

If you don't make her happy, she'll be spending a lot of her time wondering how the OM is. Does he miss me? Is her thinking about me? Maybe I should call just to see if he's ok?