Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Just saying hello.

Hey hotwheelsaust, thanks for posting. 'stralians everywhere! Curious... and interesting about the similar age, etc. details. I feel like such a statistic. :-/

Yeah, i am not that thrilled to be in a position where i feel the need to post here, but i *do* feel glad that there seems to be no shortage of kind people who are willing to reach out. I really have no one that i feel i can talk to so this forum seems the perfect place to learn from and hopefully share.

I can't find a copy of the books in any local libraries around here so i bought copies online tonight. Thanks for the tip though!

I am still waiting on the books to arrive but i have taken the time to read Sandi's rules. Wow.... i have broken plenty of those rules since August last year. I have been desperate to 'fix' things. I guess i will learn eventually. I am still struggling with how i can feel so lonely and empty in a house full of people that i love. I seem unable to see/make the best of it.

A few things that you can try, for now, which you will read more about in the books when they arrive.

There is GAL, which of course stand for "Get A Life". What that means is to find some things to occupy yourself during any down time and that will keep your mind and/or body busy.

Of course, considering the issues the two of you have had regarding previous affairs, you will want to be sure that the activities that you do which might be with others, is open and transparent. Sometimes we will talk about being mysterious. In your case, mysterious could lead to more strain on trust.

What can you think of that you might do to GAL?

Also, 180s. If you know your W has a valid complaint, or if there is definitely something that you think you could work on, personally such as helping out with housework if you had not before, or being more involved with the kids in mundane tasks or extra curricular stuff, or something regarding your health, learning better listening and validating skills with anyone, even if not your W, that would probably be a great idea. These are "growth" things, but also related to things that you really were not doing (much of) in the past, but will do now.

Any thoughts on what you could do as 180s?

Well, the books arrived and i am reading them now. It will be a little while before i can digest them. I thought i would post just to stay in touch.

Also, i wanted to respond to your last post, Kaffe Diem, but i have not had the head space or time. I will try tonight, as there were a couple of things that i wanted to address that came up in your last post.

Thanks for listening - i really appreciate the time and effort taken.

^

This stuff is really hard. My wife has taken her wedding ring off. I am not coping with that very well. Eventually i could not stop myself from asking her why she had taken her ring off. Apart from "I thought that would have been obvious", i got no reason by way of an answer.

Later on in the day my wife volunteered the information that she had taken the ring off as a statement to show that she was serious about us not being married any longer. She has tried telling me and it does not seem to be getting through so this is why she took her ring off. She does not understand why i am so stubborn, why i won't separate, why it is such a big deal to me.

She also said that it will be better for the children's mental health if i go because it is better that they live with one happy parent rather than two unhappy ones. I found this all pretty hard to take and i don't know what to do.

Thanks dbmod!

Yw

Tell your W "yes you are right that they should be at home with the happy parent. When are you leaving?"

Stand your ground. She says she is unhappy, then she should leave. Tell that you're perfectly happy and that she is more than happy to go. Tell her that just because you don't agree with her to separate, doesn't mean that she has to stop doing what she feels she needs to do.

She wants to make it "mutual" so that she doesn't feel any of the guilt. Don't back down.

This is her problem, not yours. If you're standing your ground that is not you being stubborn or refusing to separate, you're just refusing to let her browbeat you into leaving. You should support her decision, but that doesn't mean you agree with it. IE, tell her something like "I would like for you to stay here and work on the M, but more than that I want for you to be happy and if leaving is what will make you happy then I support your decision to leave."



Typical WAS twisted logic. And that's a particularly low blow to use the children to try to support her desire to break up the marriage. She really, really doesn't get it at all if she thinks a separation is good for the kids. Absurd.



Do nothing. Stay put. Stand your ground. If she wants to leave then that is totally on her, she needs to make that decision, find a place, set it up, deal with all the inconveniences, etc. etc.