Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Me 8 months on, dark and trying to detach.

Hi HWA

Good to hear from you!
You are being hit hard at the moment but I guess you have suspected the PA thing for quite a while now!


Good! If you can settle this it will bring you peace in this area.


Sound quite normal to me – globally!


This is important! It will bring you joy no matter what happens! Keep it up!

But do also remember you! Focus on yourselves! Make the goals and the to-do lists!

All the best!

F

Thanks Fartiltre, I had suspected for a long time (didn't want it to be the case), the family had too. Finally the family have accepted she did walk out to have an affair. While it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things, for me, it is just that little bit of recognition (even if it is to myself) that I wasn't fully to blame for this separation. That doesn't mean I don't accept responsibility, I do accept a lot of that. I actually feel quite ok now. I suppose it is the finality of this all. Doesn't mean I have given up on her, just simply aware of where I now stand, in a better way than I did before. Now it is easier to be dark, not to worry why she doesn't contact me and all those other things normal separated couples do. Now I at least know to focus on the marriage based on it being an affair.

Nice to know also that the exaggerating of costs are typical worldwide, again it is hard when you don't have this experience behind you. The important goal is to be able to purchase the house from her. The car and jetski are not a priority. In all honesty the W has been pretty good with what she wants and feels is fair, just the value of the houses is way off.

I do need to be the best for my boys, I probably have let them down over the last few months with my behaviour, just stuff I shouldn't have asked etc. Yes, learnt my lesson big time. It was also hard to hear a friend tell me things about the boys and how they feel about me over the years. Again it is in the past, learn by mistakes and improve me.

So for my regular repliers, where do I go from now? Apart from being dark, is there anything else I should focus on with regards to the W? Do I deal direct with the solicitor and not tell her anything?

Hi HWA

Since I am inexperienced and also newcomer my knowledge into these matters isn’t large. At the same time I do not know how things work in your country but if it were me and in my country I would have my own lawyer write her lawyer and let them work things out. First off all I would consult a lawyer for help on what to do!

I would make a list of important items (You mention house, car and jetski – what else? What really matters to you?)
I would try to put values on these items
Then I would consult a lawyer and ask what to do

I would try to make the deal as fair as possible to myself and W

With this work done I would properly ask W if we should settle without lawyers just to save time and money. If this is not possible (and I wouldn’t argue much) I would let the lawyers do the job.


Then I would hope for the best, focus on me and GAL.

I posted you 19. June and so did others – In these posts you find what I would do!

Take care – I send you all my best wishes and hopes!

F

Fartiltre, I believe a lot of those issues I had back around the 19th June are gone now. This turn of events has made quite a difference to my views. As mentioned the wife is being very good with the splitting of the assets, my only concern is the unbelievable value of the homes. She is allowing me to have the new car, for a even swap of the old car she is driving and the jet ski. With an option for me to buy the jetski from her.
My biggest focus is getting the house/s. At my age, getting another loan (new) would be pretty impossible, especially with only the one wage coming in now. The investment is a big loss, as they should be, so while I don't really need it or care for it, I cannot either afford to sell it and make a big loss. So I have to take over both loans.
Regards to a lawyer, cannot afford one. I am paying for the mortgages, don't have much spare and don't really want to waste money on one. I would prefer to spend my money on a DB coach for helping me. Again though, we will see how hard it gets and I might have to bite the bullet and get a lawyer/solicitor.

Sorry to hear the latest HWA. You have been hit by a double whammy! I wonder how you treat a PA of this nature. You have another appt with your DB coach soon don't you? It should be helpful for you to get some more insight into this.

Can't ofer any advice, but agree that at least you know where you stand now and it should be easier to move forward. Thinking of you HWA. Take care.

Spent last night going over the reply to the solicitor. Have a DB coach session this Tuesday that I am looking forward to. Won't do anything until that session.

Another question, should I move this thread to the infidelity pages now? Should I start a new thread there? Do I stay here?

Finally decided to ring the wife and ask her directly about the relationship, rather than via the family. She was so adamant that she wasn't in a relationship, so truthful sounding, so convincing that I don't know who to believe or not.
I know, and have for a long time, realised her behaviour is exactly as a person in an affair. I know the not wanting to talk or see each other is exactly like someone in an affair would do.
I know by what I am told by her family, the behaviour that they see is like a love sick child.
The last brick in my wall is the wife telling me yes, but she didn't or couldn't or isn't.
That puts me back in the difficult spot again. It has taken me many months to work up the courage to ask her and now it didn't work. I didn't get an answer that was needed for me to move on.
Now I question, again, am I doing the right or wrong thing. Should I still continue to fight for the marriage, give in, go dark, sell the houses etc.
Why does it have to be so hard?

Let's say if it's an affair then what are you going to do? Is it an absolute deal breaker for you?