golf mom, just reading your thread. I just had the D talk with H. He says he wants to do what the kids needs, Am I just supposed to go to the table at this early stage and say ok because this may be the best I get? Does your H see the boys? I have asked my H to leave us alone for a bit, to give us "space" to process. I thought this might wake him up a bit to what D would look like. He's made no attempt to contact kids.
wbw, I honestly can't and shouldn't advise you, but I will tell you that once we retained attorneys everything went down hill. We have been very contentious at times. There has been nonstop sparing between the attorneys and it has been a highly stressful and emotionally charged situation for too long.
However, you do need legal advice before you agree to anything. I'm sure there are many situations were people split amicably, but I haven't read about one here. What seems to commonly happen, and happened to me, is that soon after the WAS leaves they feel guilty and seem to want to do the right thing, making sure their family is provided for. But, once reality sets in and they realize what D will cost them and what their legal obligations will be their mindset changes. If you and your H can work out an agreement with a mediator, and be advised along the way by an attorney, then you might avoid the legal trap and I strongly suggest you avoid it if you can. It will really depend on whether you can work together to get the best possible outcome for your kids.
Once fear sets in, the anger will start. My H is very angry and resentful and seems to want to live there. He has had moments where he was kind and we were able to communicate effectively, even recently, but those times are fleeting. Anger and blame is what I generally get.
wbw, to answer the other part of your post regarding the boys, H does not see them but that has been their choice. The last time my oldest saw him and tried once again to let him know how he felt the response was "that's so f'ing stupid." As my son put it "he doesn't know how to talk to kids." I was shocked when I heard about the conversation. The boys have received the same spew as me. H doesn't know how to talk with the boys appropriately. He is full of rage and that has only gotten worse as time goes on. At this point, it is best that there is no contact. If H ever wants to sort himself out and be the Dad the boys want and need then I believe their relationship is salvageable.
Regarding creating space to "wake" your H up, that will not work. I understand the need for space. After BD, the boys and I needed space too so we could process what had happened. Truly, follow all of the great advice on these boards. Take this time to focus on you. Take very good care of yourself and work on changes so that you will be the best you for YOU. Forget about finding ways to show your H what he will be missing and what life after D will be like. He has to figure that out. It may or may not be what he ultimately wants, but you have no control over that.
You're stuck seeing the house as a home, but in this negotiation, it is simply another financial asset.
If there is considerable equity in the home, it should be divided, minus any offsets for alimony.
Say, for instance, the house has $300k in equity, and your ex would normally have to pay you alimony of $20k a year for ten years. You could trade the alimony for his $150k half of the equity. (Not necessarily a wise trade, btw, if it's gonna leave you so cash poor that you can't pay your taxes and maintenance on the house later, but it's one option).
If, on the other hand, you are just saying H should give you the equity in the house because he's the one who left - most states would not see it that way these days.
What are you willing to give up to get that house equity? And is it really a wise choice?
GM,
I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you.
KLM is correct. In the eyes of the law, the house is not your "home" and the fact that he was the one to walk away holds no value in the Court's eyes. In my jurisdiction the matrimonial home is, without exception, divided between the two sides. Your lawyer should explain all this to you clearly and should discuss alternative options with you. I am so sorry for the awful situation.
And I am hopeful that you will find a lawyer that WILL explain your options to you. They are the experts and that is what you are paying them for.
I'm home again today taking a much needed break. I hope to speak with the other attorneys so that I can make a decision and move forward. My head is spinning with all of the possibilities and just want to leave it alone.
H deposited support money for June rather than keep it and pay the mortgage, etc. himself which he did last month out of the blue. I wonder if his attorney advised him to do it. In any event, the bills will be paid.
I no longer want to live in the past and ruminate over H leaving and all of the pain and trauma that followed. It just really doesn't matter anymore. Whether there is ever acknowledgement on H's part doesn't matter either. I feel his leaving was a bad decision, but he may feel differently. I'm content to leave it there.
What I don't want to do is continue behavior that contributed to the breakdown, mainly avoiding situations, people and communication that stirs up fear, especially fear of change and fear of being hurt. I have an IC appointment this evening and want to focus on that. If H and I ever have a chance of successful co-parenting in the future I need to be able to face that I might learn things about his life that will trigger all of the initial pain, like OW, and that will likely come out as anger. I have heart palpitations just writing that so I know I've identified a big issue.
I found an attorney today and will meet with her next week. We covered a lot of ground on the phone so she has a pretty good idea of what's been done and not. I impressed upon her the need to get the D done and that it could happen pretty quickly if we stick to the issues. I don't want to waste money on anymore sparing matches between attorneys. I also asked her to be very honest with me about what I can realistically expect. She did say that my former attorney makes a lot of "creative arguments." I do think my case is in more capable hands this time. We'll see.
GM, Hoping this new attorney inspires more confidence and gets things done. I know how hard this stage is. We've got to find the courage to keep at it. Thinking of you.
I'm glad you found another attorney. Stick to the facts and since you've already told her about your situation, she should be able to move out on filing for support, etc.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
