Question: I just finished reading 5LL book. This has been a book that my wife has been telling me to read before on numerous occasion but I didn't. Upon reading it I finally realized that I have not been filling her love tank for a long time. I even filled it up with my own LL thinking that she will appreciate it. I feel like a fool now. I really want to text my wife the following, please advice whether I should it?
Hi wife, I'm sorry that I have hurt you. I realized that I have not been filling your love tank for a long time whereas you have been filling mine. I'm really grateful that in our darkness hours previously that you still fill my love tank whereas I did not.
I would like to apologize for my lack of understanding of your feelings on that Saturday night. I have no one to blame but myself.
I do not like my old self. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.
Basically the following are what my wife complained before the BD:
Spending too much time at the computer. She says i do not know how to communicate with her. Keeping quiet when angry I never appreciates her Never give her words of affirmation Was never there for her when she needed me.
The thing now is that she have moved back to her home and she doesn't even want to speak to me when i meet up with her to pass her letters. I do not know how to show her my 180s.Anyone can offer advices?
I am also a newbie with my own marriage issues, so I do not have any good advice to give, but was reading your thread and wanted to send support and good vibes. A big thing I now know not to do that will turn a WAS off is to beg and plead. I've too made that mistake in the past and it definitely pushed my H away even further and made me look weak. Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? That should also be helpful for you to follow.
Best of luck!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
The best thing you can do right now is continue working to change those things you know you need to change.
Become the man you want to be.
Let your W figure out what she wants. Your changes will become evident in your actions. It's easy to say you will change, the work and reward, is actually in doing it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that you're not the only one going through this. My sitch is a little different: We're a little older and been married just a little longer, but I can definitely relate to your W just giving up and refusing to communicate. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but in my case, it hasn't. I hope your sitch ends up better.
You need to GAL and keep a PMA. You seem to believe you have a good idea what her complaints were. That's good. I urge you to take a good, hard look at yourself and see if there was anything else that you haven't admitted to yourself yet. These complaints will help you find your 180s.
Again, I can emphasize so much with your concerns. How can you effectively do 180s when your W doesn't want to see you or communicate with you? If your W's complaint was lack of affection, how can you do 180 with that when she doesn't want to talk to, much less be touched by you?
I can only tell you that you're doing this for you now. Read the DB/DR books if you haven't yet. Read Sandi2's rules sticked at the top of this forum. Print 'em out, keep 'em with you, keep them posted at home if your W is not there. Live them. Trust the process. Remember: PMA. GAL.
If you want, check out my posts. There's some good advice from some vets in there. I wish I could say I've had a happy ending, but... Anyway, I could use the well wishes. I'll be sure to check in with you. I wish you the best.
I am also a newbie with my own marriage issues, so I do not have any good advice to give, but was reading your thread and wanted to send support and good vibes. A big thing I now know not to do that will turn a WAS off is to beg and plead. I've too made that mistake in the past and it definitely pushed my H away even further and made me look weak. Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? That should also be helpful for you to follow.
Best of luck!
hi chl, thanks for dropping by. I really appreciate the support that you are giving me. I understand that beg and pleading does not bring the both of us together but instead make my W more angry. I've not been begging and pleading anymore after reading DR but the urge is still there but i've not acted on it yet. I've read sandi's 37rules and is trying to follow them as closely as possible.
The best thing you can do right now is continue working to change those things you know you need to change.
Become the man you want to be.
Let your W figure out what she wants. Your changes will become evident in your actions. It's easy to say you will change, the work and reward, is actually in doing it.
Hi labug, i realized that I can only work on myself at this moment in time. Been putting in effort to work on myself and making myself the man I want to be. I agree with you that I need to let my W figure out what she wants. I believe i'm mind reading now as I believe she does not want to have anything to do with me anymore. In our country, if she wants to have a divorce, we will need to be separated for at least 3years before the divorce can be proceeded. I turn it into a PMA by saying, my wife has given me the gift of time to be the man i want to be. However as much i want to believe in that, I've backslided on that thought too much recently.
I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that you're not the only one going through this. My sitch is a little different: We're a little older and been married just a little longer, but I can definitely relate to your W just giving up and refusing to communicate. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but in my case, it hasn't. I hope your sitch ends up better.
You need to GAL and keep a PMA. You seem to believe you have a good idea what her complaints were. That's good. I urge you to take a good, hard look at yourself and see if there was anything else that you haven't admitted to yourself yet. These complaints will help you find your 180s.
Again, I can emphasize so much with your concerns. How can you effectively do 180s when your W doesn't want to see you or communicate with you? If your W's complaint was lack of affection, how can you do 180 with that when she doesn't want to talk to, much less be touched by you?
I can only tell you that you're doing this for you now. Read the DB/DR books if you haven't yet. Read Sandi2's rules sticked at the top of this forum. Print 'em out, keep 'em with you, keep them posted at home if your W is not there. Live them. Trust the process. Remember: PMA. GAL.
If you want, check out my posts. There's some good advice from some vets in there. I wish I could say I've had a happy ending, but... Anyway, I could use the well wishes. I'll be sure to check in with you. I wish you the best.
Hey LC, i've been reading your thread and i feel your sitch. It's almost identical to mine in a certain way. Really appreciate that you took the time to drop by my thread too. One of the 180s i'm trying to work on is trying to validate and listen to what others are speaking. I used to be defensive when someone attack me.
Journal: Had some deep thoughts during the months after my W dropped the bomb and before I read DR.
She said I never understood her. I never learn to read her body language. All i care is about myself. She hates me for all the things I've ever done. She never had a father to dote on and questioned me why i can't dote on her more. She hate me for making her feel that she is never worth anything.
She followed up with another text the following day. She told me she remember the times she had to beg me to love her. So often she had to beg me to buy her things. So often she had to beg me to spend time with her. Its always ended with her crying badly and feeling so hurt before I will change a little. She commented on things never stays for long. She asked whether I remember the number of times she tell me that she don't feel love. She also said that nothing has changed except her expectations for me. She didnt feel that I've put in extra effort to make her feel love.
