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Whats up Superwoman?!

I think its great that your son is still into lacrosse and also hits the gym. My friends and I got into marijuana in high school and I think being on various basketball teams warded off taking it to the next level for me.

My oldest, almost 17, is also really into basketball and I'm grateful for that because he also has a few friends that may not be the best influences.

He rarely discusses anything about my stbx with me. He seems to have accepted her abandoning(IMO) us and seems unphased by the current state of their relationship but I know deep down he has to have some buried feelings.

I've struggled since this began to walk the rope of sharing enough vs. sharing too much and I still have regrets and doubt if I'm handling this the right way with him and my younger two.

Of course you want to do anything in your power to help benefit him and I see you hurting and searching to find those answers.

This experience is having a major part in the develpment of them as people for the rest of their lives and I hope somehow the positives will outweigh the negatives.

Thanks for sharing all your insights and interactions because I know it is helpful to a lot of us.

Xo

Advina, I am not sure I have ever posted to you before. I have to tell you I have always admired how forthright you always are.

I thought I'd share some thoughts, if I may, as my son was 16 at the time of BD.

But before I do, I wanted to just tell you to please not beat yourself up about how you handled things at the meeting. It is very easy to look back and see how you wished you did some things differently.

The thing of it is that you were there. That's what's important. You were there. You showed your son that you care, that you're concerned, that you love him. That is what matters, Ad.

So, do I wish I did things differently when all this went down?Absolutely. I wish I talked with my son and let him know whatever I knew regarding what was happening.

Now, I dont mean the details of our marriage unraveling. Not at all. That was between his father and me. But, we told him we were splitting up and then his father stayed another 10 months.

So, he spent everyday wondering if this was the day dad was leaving. If he's still here, does that mean there's a chance. And then we didnt get divorced for another 2 years.

I am sure it was all so confusing and hurtful. The thing is because I was in the thick of it, trying to get through each day, I didnt even know what was happening.

Looking back, I wish I had talked to him more about where we were at and about what was going to happen.

I didnt have to deal with drug use. I can only imagine how worried you are, how hard it is, how much you are hurting. I am so sorry.

I do know what I did right, though. I never and have not ever said an unkind thing about his father. And while my son did see me upset, I tried really hard to be strong around him.

And I will tell you that my son has recently said these words to me, "Mom, thank you for never doing anything to get in the way of my relationship with my dad. And because you were so strong, I didnt have to worry about you. I knew that if you were ok, then I would be, too".

I think it is ok to tell your son you dont know exactly what is going on with your marriage. That when you know for sure, you will tell him. And let him know that if he wants to talk to you about anything, that you are there for him and that you understand he is angry and sad.

He is a 15 year old boy. By virtue of that, there is not going to be much open communication.

Advina, I think you are doing wonderfully.

Wow. Thank you, all of you. It is so helpful to have some community with parents of teenage kids going through this. I do feel like since I don't get a lot of opportunities to "lecture" him that' the words I use in any given conversation can take on a life of their so that's why I worry about not bringing my best self each time. But It does me a lot of good to dial back the panic and excess drama and see the bigger picture which you have helped me do.

I agree it will be a long time if not a cold day in hell before my son tells his dad what a rotten person he thinks he is. (Or, how the sitch was painful to him, rather). I'm glad he tells his friends. I believe there will come a day when he sees his dad more as human and flawed and can find some compassion for him but that's a long way off and right now it's all about s15 and feeling abandoned. The self centeredness of a kid is surprising to me until i think waaaaaay back.

I would like to tell my son i think his dad was depressed, probably still is, that this doesnt make a lot of sense to me either and it does hurt but it isnt right to let it get us down. We have to make the best of what we have. I could tell him that i wish h believed in the value of seeking help since its been what gets me through, this community, counseling, reading, being ok with being vulnerable and sharing messy feelings. I wish i cd tell him that i think we should get divorced so we can all heal and move forward. But that i dont know how long that will take, maybe a year or two.

People (aka friends mom) still assume h is gay.

Gm, your question now seems weird to me, what im hoping for. I dont think about things like that at all lately. I am fine right now, i will feel fine i think about formalizing the divorce. I would love to try again with a new relationship with who knows who someday. I dont think about h because it seems silly. H isnt calling, isnt txting, is like a distant cousin or pleasant neighbor. I dont expect or hope for anything different from him but if presented with a change in his approach i will adapt as appropriate at that time. So literally, i am not hoping for anything with regard to him. I am living my life.


I ran into an old friend at Starbucks a couple weeks ago she was going through divorce when we met at a local gym and now it's years later I'm she was the one who left and her son had a suicide attempt so my problems may seem big to me but they're not

Parenting teenagers is hard under the best of circumstances. Don't beat yourself up.

I don't have teenage kids but I was once a teenager and fwiw I think you can be more honest with your son then you know. He wants to know the truth that you are okay but you were also hurt.

Feeling generally down, and know it, so I'm trying to make plans to pick myself back up. I've started C25K and finished week 1 without a hitch, on to week 2.

S13 has really hit the teenage crazies all of a sudden. He's been asking to go to Busch Gardens and wanted to go for the 4th and see the fireworks, but on the 4th he said no, he said the 5th and I never listen. okayyyy, back away slowly.... On the 5th I put in a half day of work and woke him up at 1 to get in the car, and tried to wake up S15 and his friend to see if they could go too but they opted to stay home. Just S13 and I headed off too BG and I thought this was good bonding, I've been spending too much time in the details and not really being with the boys individually.

We had a nice time on the way down, listening to his music on my ipod and having discussions about parallel universes and Christianity and other random stuff. But boy oh boy we got to the park and went on one ride and in the line on the second, he says "when are we going home? I want to go home now. Wannagohomewannagohomewannagohomewannagohome. I was about to feel miserable. I put the kabosh on the whining and said we're halfway through this line, we are going on this ride and no more discussion until after it. After it I offered to go in the festhaus and cool off and wait for the sun to get lower, or go to our friends' house, but home-home was off the table until at least 10pm because I didn't drive 4.5 hours to turn around and drive back without seeing my friends. I was so disappointed that I couldn't turn this around and enjoy some more time in the park with him. When the boys were small I used to be able to reset and turn around a bad mood and we'd go on to have lots of fun. This is the same thing that happened on my trip to Philly with S15 and his friends, all of a sudden they're done and want to leave.

My IC, when I described that S15 trip to her, pointed out the age so I would realized and not take it personally. So this time I again tried not to take it personally, but it's hard. S13 pushes and pushes. In the car we put the A/C all the way to 65 and full blast, and I asked him if he was feeling better, and he said something awful like he'd feel better if I could erase his memory of the entire trip. I couldn't help starting to cry at that, but I at least tried not to let him see while I tried to get a grip. I'm the adult for heaven's sake, he's being a bratty young man and I clearly recall my own bratty days, but it is very hard to hear cr*p and have a rational conversation about it. Maybe later.

Another thing I learned is that in the moment is rarely the time to deal with it properly.

I got a grip and thought I need to take care of myself, and what I need is a glass of wine with my good friends. So that is what we did. And when I was able to line up a sleepover for S15 I informed S13 we were staying the night. I had a wonderful time catching up with my friends and playing with their dog and cat and sleeping ALL NIGHT without worries, and enjoying leisurely coffee and chitchat in the morning.

Still felt a little down so I took one of the options rather than heading right home we decided to go to Jamestown beach and do some paddleboarding. I had one completely failed (margarita fueled) attempt at paddleboarding in Cozumel and was anxious to try it again. Did very slightly better this time. S13 did pretty well! S13 also played in the water for a long time with my friends' 2nd grader, letting him make wet sandcastles on top of his head, and later said the kid is much more fun to be with than last time we visited. After the beach they played a video game together and then we headed back on the road midafternoon. It was exactly what I needed, and got me I would say 1/3 of the way back to OK.

One of S15's friends left a pot stained wrench socket on the couch in the basement. I know it's a friend because I have recently put a lock on the basement workroom. I know somebody's dad is missing quite a few sockets, and am getting a closer idea of whose because only S's very best couple of friends were in the house yesterday, he said. Anyway, I confiscated it but I chose not to say anything at all this time. I'd just like to have a return now and then with S15 that doesn't begin with "boy, you have disappointed me AGAIN." I believe he is doing better than before, and I believe we'll get through this, and every single disappointment doesn't need to be catalogued. Will just take a step back in the house privileges again.

Still feeling a little down this morning so I'm going to accomplish a few things, like the giant pile of clean laundry needing folding. Guitar meetup is coming over tonight. Will get some exercise today since that does help. Will take it easy on myself and stop expecting myself to be fine all the time. Nobody's fine all the time.

My friends are very experienced analysts and so kicking around stuff about my sitch the H pointed out that if H is only paying the mortgage in lieu of child support and spousal support, and he is still half-owner of the house, I am getting cheated. It's like he's really only paying me half of the amount since it's going toward his own equity. Good point, and possibly incentive to get out the financial stuff and try to make some decisions.

I hope y'all are having a better weekend than I am. I actually had a very good and fun weekend but need to shake off the blues.

I thought I'd mention part of the reason why I'm not handling things superwell right now is I have g*dd*mn chickenpox. At least that's the doctor's best guess to what is all over my stomach and back giving me a constant undercurrent of itchiness. Presented exactly like chickenpox, even though I did have it as a kid. Crazy.

Still lurking around here so I'll add the latest update. My sister's daughter is a lawyer, age 30, probably addicted to cocaine and painkillers, a serial liar, and runs from her school loans, bank overdrafts and unpaid parking tickets. She has just lost her job (again) and been evicted from her apartment (again) with very good excuses about why none of that is her fault, says she is living out of her car and hasn't had a shower in a week. Refuses her mother's suggestions to look for a shelter or soup kitchen. Mom, dad, grandparents, sisters, and friends have all been burned enough times that they will not give her a place to stay or any money. So - my sister left a message asking if this girl could come live with me.

I know the right answer to that. I'm just wondering if anyone knows what resources can help a person like this.

My sister asked me if I would even just call and talk to her, but from what I have heard just about everything out of her mouth is a lie about how this or that is not her fault and so unfair and if she only just could have $100.... I don't even actually want to talk to her.

On my run today my mind drifted around letting her stay here for a couple of weeks (not that she asked me) and if I could just impose conditions like she goes to a treatment program and does volunteer work or something (as if she would be willing to do that), maybe I could be the one to help her. But I did notice SHE is not the one asking me for help. My sister's just trying to fix things for her.

Anyway, I just thought I'd mention that I know I'm NOT superwoman really.

Tough situation. Does the niece want help? What sort of resources were you thinking of?

I feel for your sister and any parent in that place.

The chickenpox thing is a kicker, huh? Better than shingles, I guess.

Yeah Bug, I am SO excited not to have shingles, lol!

So. Yeah, I've been trying to gently suggest to my sister that there might be a 12 step program that helps her cope. She did read and got a lot out of Codependent No More.

My niece asks for money, and a place to stay, and for someone to pay for her vicodin prescription, but not the kind of help I think she needs. I don't believe anyone has heard her admit having a drug problem, but her sisters have seen her do cocaine. She runs through money like water, gets fired for bizarre convoluted reasons that don't ring true. If she wanted to change her life and start over I'd want to try to help her do that.

I guess the only resource I know of for that is EE or Landmark, but I think you kind of have to want to get something out of that for it to do you any good.

My sister's afraid she's going to kill herself.