Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Time for me (part 4)

Hang in there buddy. The death of a marriage is no small thing, and I think it only makes sense that you'd have a flood of emotions as you get closer to it. Just try not to dwell on the negative feelings for too long....feel them, accept them, and then move forward.

Do something fun for yourself....and smile....that really does help.

You know, S, I always say, you feel what you feel. There are no right or wrong feelings.

Of course you feel sad at times. This is a sad thing - for you and your children.

As long as those feelings dont interfere with you moving forward and walking your journey - it's ok, right?

And as far as hope. I think there is always hope - until you decide there isnt.

You are doing wonderfully.

I know, I will admit life was a lot simpler when I played the typical guy stereotype and just buried my feelings. Letting myself feel all this stuff gets a little overwhelming some times. I'm back to normal today, processed yesterday and moving forward.

With that said, just because times were simpler I would never want to go back to that way of life. While the tough days can be a little harder to deal with the good times are even better than before. Guess it works both ways. I've finally let myself enjoy my life the way I want to live it and that's a nice way to go about the day.

I feel extreme sadness for my kids. I've realized over the months that what I'm mourning is the loss of our family and the hurt the kids feel and will feel later. Sad to admit that after the initial shock wore off I'm not really mourning the loss of my M or my W. Hope that doesn't make me sound like a bad person but it's where I'm at. She has been checked out for so long and it's been such a one sided relationship that I'm ok with being alone or with someone else. She's told me she wants to stay friends, I haven't said it (yet) but in my head is always thought of 'why would you want to start now, you haven't been there for me for years'. If I put my W translator on I think what she really means is I'd like to keep you close to use you when I need something. Maybe I'm just being negative (or realistic...).

I do hold hope for our family. I also hope, even as unrealistic as it seems, that my W would one day look inside and want to work on herself. Without her doing that there is no chance for us to work. One thing I'm working on is realizing my new family is me and my kids. My hope is I'm able to give them a solid foundation to build a happy life on and not have the issues that I had for so long.

The other feeling that I'm having lately but haven't written much about on the boards is anger. It's not a yell or scream type of anger, it's just in me...not really sure how to explain it. I'm not an angry person at all but right now there are 2 sources of it and I'm guessing some will come out while I type this.

First is obviously my W for doing the things she has and for breaking up our family. I know she's just doing what she feels is best for her; still angry at the selfishness of it all. Angry at myself for enabling a lot of it for so long as well. It also bothers me that she hasn't shown an ounce of remorse towards me or reached out a single time. She actually acts smug. Shocks me, and ticks me off, that she can throw me away so easily after almost 21 years and say she's doing what God wants her to do. Funny I haven't seen her read the Bible in over a year. I don't remember reading the verse where it says to cheat, lie, break up your family, repeatedly let down your kids, abandon all your friends that stuck by you through all the crap, and blame your H for everything wrong with your life (even before you met). Told you I had a little anger towards her .

The other source of anger, which I fully admit might be a little odd, is at myself. I'm angry because I now want the D and I want to break the vows I took. I know this is strange because she's the one that broke our vows, is forcing the D, is running around and all that. I also know I'm justified, even with God, to break off the M because of her actions and lack of remorse but it still doesn't make it right. I think I should still want to stand no matter what but I don't. I feel I should want to give it the years that many of my friends were able to. I know most of this stems from my dad walking out when I was 3 and me never wanting to be the father of a broken home. Guess I still have some obligation things to work through.

I'm angry at myself for feeling done, for being so detached towards her, for feeling like I let my kids and family down, and for even feeling angry about this because I know it's not my fault. I'm also angry that deep down I hope the D makes her see reality blows and she struggles because I don't want to have that thought but it's there (man that makes me sound bad doesn't it...). I hope it forces her to change and come running back to me as a new person so we can have a family again but I know the likelihood of that is remote at best.

See, told you it might not make much sense.

I think it makes a lot of sense.

Anger is a normal emotion, what gets us in trouble is where we act from that place of anger. It's good that you recognize your anger and are thinking through it-it's bad when you feel anger, and the only thought is "That B$&#@ has to pay" and you smash something.

You've been wounded and you're hurting and it will go on for a while-I don't know, it may go on in little spasms for the rest of your life. I know I still have those moments of WTF?!?! Some wounds take a long time to heal. Perspective gained from distance both physical, emotional and chronological helps.

Have you thought of writing her a letter? Not to send but just to say everything you want to say. Put it away somewhere safe and then sometime in the future, and you'll know the right time, burn it. Memorialize your walk through fire.

Get through this part, things will get better.

From early on in the process anger being used as a shield and not as a sword was driven into my head. I remind myself of that whenever I start feeling angry.


Huh, the letter might be a good idea. I wrote one a couple months ago and sent it to a few people to read before sending it. It was a good idea to do that and I never sent it to W. I remember if felt good writing it though. As you guys know I'm not big into writing out long posts or letters so might take me a while

[quote=Spartan]From early on in the process anger being used as a shield and not as a sword was driven into my head. I remind myself of that whenever I start feeling angry.

And I know just the person who drove it into your head. . I dont think he meant that you werent allowed to ever feel angry, S. We all get angry

You should feel it, process it and then when you can, let it go. Do not let your actions or your words be as a result of the anger. .

As you move forward and learn more about you, the things that make or made you feel angry will become less likely to.

It's all a process, S. All the steps are important on this journey. You dont want to skip any.

Dont know what the heck happened up there ^^^^. Lol!

Spartan, I know what you feel. I still have angry thoughts (most days) but they are less intense and less numerous. I think your anger is mostly rooted in frustration. Having no control over a situation and facing uncertainty are sources of unease and frustration. As I say in my book, realize that no matter how angry you are, you will have no impact on your W's behavior or thoughts. Anger can propel you into positive action, but it can also be destructive, so be aware of this. We're here for you.