Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Not confused...looking inward

Yes, you can set boundaries and still pave the way smoothly. However, the time for picking up the boys and taking them to school is really not a boundary that you set, but one that necessitates getting them to school on time. The school has a specific time and they have to be there.

As for your other boundaries, yes, continue them if they are reasonable. If you begin to waffle on them, he will not only take an inch, but a mile and will not adhere to any because he will think he can do whatever he wants. He's like a child/teenager and until you as the "parent" set the boundaries, he will continue to be the way he is w/o being accountable for his actions. This is part of his learning curve to growing up and being a responsible human being. He's going to get angry and spew, but that's his problem, not yours. If he will learn to adhere to the boundaries, it just might be a smooth ride, but if he's going to kick and scream the whole way, well, again that's his problem, not yours. When he realizes that you mean business about boundaries and being on time, calling if he's going to be late, etc., he'll start to straighten up. However, you've got to stick to the boundaries in order to get him to "learn" what is proper, i.e., just as you set boundaries with your boys.

What you did this morning will not ruin your changes of a relationship. Bottom line...he needs to learn to respect you and not assume that he can do whatever he wants and you'll accept his actions.

I say Bravo!, B.

He was late and the kids need to get to school. You told him and you followed through.

Like a teenager, if you don't set boundaries and stick to them, he will walk all over you. Don't worry if he gets mad, how many times did we as teenager scream at our parents for trying to set rules? Yet, at the heart of it we did not stop loving them just because the rules were enforced.

You don't have to be sure if the R is what you want. I am sure not. But you, like me, have decided to hedge your bets AND grow. At the end of all of this, if we can manage not to hate them for their actions (and heaven knows I have my moments!) I think we come out on top.

Hugs to you!

Thanks Portia for the encouraging words...I have been really looking at me, my actions and words, with everyone. And while I am not sure what the outcome of this is or if I would want what is presented I want to ensure that I am not the root cause of more hurt, damage, pain, etc...

My guess is that no matter what I did, his choices are his, not mine...but, if there was a chance that he does get through his crises and would want to return home, I want to know that I did the best I could.

Yes, this makes sense, although even when I have these moments with my children I still feel "something"...I guess the tough love side affect. LOL!

So, this morning having a down day with my PMA. I know I am just tired of the status quo. To stay or to go? That is the question.

H was cold and dark this morning. Not only with me, but with the boys from what I could tell. I said Good Morning to him and he didn't even respond back. He is such a jerk off. I didn't think we would socialize, but to not even say a simple good morning? Just plain rude and shows how much of a baby and a$$ he is.

Where did my H go I wonder? I don't even see him anymore. And I am really bothered by something I heard through the grapevine that MIL said..."H seems to be himself again". I did gather that she meant his younger self, but I am bothered by it. It has me wondering if H was "acting" as a different person for fifteen years. I can't take the thought that our 15 year relationship was "fake". I am trying to not let it bother me, but well, you know.

So I don't know if cold and dark is better than spew, but both hurt. And because it does hurt, I see that I apparently still care. That svcks!

I want to stop caring and get along with my life. I almost get an anxiety build up from it and go through these moments on a "withdrawal" of sorts...lingering anxiety, acute anger, depression, sadness, and deep, deep thinking.

Using the kids as a timeline, I cannot go the next eight years like this. H3ll, I don't know if I can go another month. I am back to wishing I could flee from all this madness that H is causing. This sounds crazy, but I almost wish H would just flee altogether. It would sure make things easier for me, but I know it would kill the boys. What is wrong with me there?

On a good note, I do find that my level of detachment is good, not great, but good. My focus on H only seems to be around our interactions. I don't worry about him and OW anymore, or what he is doing when he is away. I only focus on "our stuff". Small step I know, but it is a step.

I have been doing a lot of reading on OW. The why's, how's, and what's. I would NEVER want to be an OW, but I wonder on a lot if reality will hit my sitch or not. I mean, how can OW feel good about herself and be around my boys? Does she not think that she is a problem in all this. She is trying to be all nice and caring...and I just want to say "Look B!tch, you caused a lot of this pain too to the children and man you "love", stop trying to be nice." But this is not me.

More things that I think about...and maybe someone has insight on this. I read a lot, no extremely. In most cases it seems that the spouses show a different persona around the LBS. Usually this tends to lean towards the side of they are happy, comfortable, and sure. My H always seems to be angry, depressed, sad, and tired. Where does this fit in? We are told to believe none of what they say, and only half of what we see. So, could it be possible that he "fronts" that he is this tortured soul, and is really happy on the flip side. I mean I want his happiness to some degree (okay, at this moment I want his happiness with me and his children), but what is this?

So sooooo many questions that I feel I will never get the answers to. And so many things I keep close to the heart. I know, silly girl needs to snap out of it, but that is where my head is today.

Hi B,

well, my W spent most of the last two years not saying "Good Morning" or anything like that, a lot of times barely civil. Though there were periods where she would lighten up a bit.

In my case, W was friendly, chatty, etc with anyone BUT me...even our sons noticed her change when I would come into the room, or they would (she'd switch from grumpy serious to warm, caring for them). I don't know if most MLC'ers are "happy" around the LBS (if I understood you correctly), my readings lead me to think that we LBS get to see the mlc'er as they are inside (scared, mean, cold, distant) and everyone else in the world gets their "showtime" actors face of "ain't my life great now that I am done with spouse".

Lately my W has been warming up, but still doesn't like to talk at all or much in the morning (she has even said is because of her now, since I have fixed MY morning grumps)...but it has taken 2 years to get here...

Hope that helps a wee bit...please remember it is THEM, not you, it is so hard not to take it personally, but that is what we must do...

Hang in there!!

T^2

Thanks T^2-Yes, you understood me correctly. I have always understood it as we get to see the opposite of what they actually feel. So maybe that was/is my mis-understanding of things.

Hearing your experience of this view while going through this journey is most valuable. All the books and readings in the world aren't as valuable as real life experience(s). So I do thank you for sharing that personal detail with me (and everyone now..LOL)

Yeah, I don't take it personal...I think it is merely sad. H was always such a morning person. Happy, cheery, always had a smile. I don't see that anymore, not even when our boys come into the room. He is soo much doom and gloom. In one of our text sessions recently I had said "Have a nice day and don't forget to smile",trying to be light hearted. I got a response "It will probably be a long time before I smile again." It actually led into a small texting convo back and forth where I could feel angst, and that he wasn't happy. Truly I was concerned, and I think we did have a tender moment where he appreciated my care and kindness. At least that is what I felt.

Back to reflecting on that, it was a couple of weeks ago. I felt a connection in that exchange, and maybe that is what led to the one after where he asked me for advice on his work issue...IDK. Guess that would be mind reading on my part and I try not to do that anymore. Fuels the emotional fire for me.

Thanks again.

B,
Mlcers tend to wear masks. The happy or all's well in the world masks are worn around outsiders. But, it takes a lot of effort and energy to wear them all of the time.

When it comes to the lbs, they may wear the happy mask for a while, but eventually the mask becomes too heavy and the burden of trying to stay that way wears them down and that's when the lbs begins to see the other side of the mirror image. We are the "safe" ones that they can actually be themselves for the moment.

It took me a long to come to the realization that my xh was wearing two different masks, i.e., one for the ball and one for the cottage. When you can step back and watch the various masks or personalities take place it can become most interesting because it's really not about the lbs at all, but about them and trying to justify their lives as they are now.
Very sad.

My W had a big issue with me saying "have a nice day!" when I left for work, she said I was "telling her what to do"...crazy, huh? So I stopped. It took me so long to get myself to accept that my W wasn't "W" anymore. If it helps at all, I do see some "W" returning, but it took quite some time...

LOL!!! Sorry to laugh...but the funny is that my H has never told me directly anything like that but I have often wondered if that is what he thought...LOL...so I guess I am crazy like her.

Oh, I meant it like some "normal" everyday things, like "have a nice day" can be taken soooo differently by the mlc'er because of their "world-view" at the moment. I think she just couldn't see the possibility of having a nice day, and of course, how dare I "order" her to have one anyway...