Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Some small signs and settling down for a marathon

Hi FY, thanks i'm getting there.

Casino was def a one off. I have been a couple of times before but a good few years ago and never been a betting man. It was actually stepson who was going with a couple of mates. I decided to go originally to keep an eye on them and made S leave his wallet at home. I don't encourage it but he is 19 so I cant really stop him. Figured the best way was to tag along.

It turned out a good night and not what I expected. I took S and his mates out for a meal afterwards with the winnings and for once became the cool dad! not sure if thats a good or bad thing

You are right about the image and for ourselves. I do wonder if I will ever get to the place of full detachment with no expectations! she is being overly nice at the moment and I can't help but feel suspicious.

and grief a 75 gallon tank...you could fish in that!

Hi, Just a quick update on my sitch but no real movement although it certainly has not got any worse.

Another financial issue popped its head up today. Turns out W was late notifying the benefits office back in August 2011 when I changed jobs so they have come after us both for a large sum of overpaid money. I can't really blame W as I should have taken responsibility for this. The old me would have complained to W about this. The new me has taken ownesrship to get it resolved. A positive is that we have been working together via e-mail to make a case against the full amount as there are a number of inaacuracies with the benefits office assessment. This resulted in some light hearted e-mail banter.

W also notified me out of the blue that she had forgot to submit her own benefits claim on time for our S disability benefits which she gets. It will now be a minimum of 8 weeks for them to process the new application! I have showed empathy but not offered any money as my view is she needs to take ownership of her own actions. However, I will not let them suffer if she really is struggling and on Monday will offer her a loan to tide her over if needed as I don't want S to lose out.

I have taken on a couple of new activities that I managed to squeeze in. Joined a running club on the same night I have my horse riding lesson but earlier in the evening.

Also took up playing guitar again (I used to play in bands when I was younger) which has been a nice stress relief and an old bandmate has asked if I would like to set a band up with him again! Not sure I could commit to the time or play gigs again but I am giving it some thought.

Communication with W still okay, no arguments, no crossed words etc and I have been varying the time I spend at her place when dropping S things off to just to make me a bit more unpredictable.

My new image has gone down a storm and have had numerous nice comments from people about how much younger I look. A colleague even said a woman at work asked him who that handsome chap was as she didnt recognise me without the beard

Thats all folks

Good to hear from you rky, you sound like you're in a very solid place right now. Plus, you're still off the smokes right? (hey, a little accountability never hurts!)

"Also took up playing guitar again (I used to play in bands when I was younger)"

I'm jealous. I wish I could play, it looks like so much fun!

I still say you guys are going to make it. Stay the course my friend!

Thanks for popping on FY.

Yes doing well and there are signs that cloud is lifting, that I will be ok no matter what the outcome. Guess I am detaching.....very slowly .

You had to mention the smokes . Well I am off them still, but had more than a few blips over the months. Mainly when I get a bout of anxiety which happens every few weeks!

I spent most of my youth until my early twenties in bands. It used to be my passion in life. I played when I met W but had stopped playing in bands. It is the perfect stress relief for me as I can lose myself for hours learning a new song. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it, but kids, career and M meant I let it slowly fizzle out.

You should learn to play. It is fun if you like music and as I say, you can lose yourself for hours during an evening.

"I still say you guys are going to make it."

Thanks for the vote of confidence but I am not so sure. Truth is I am finally getting W off that pedestal I had her on (at long last!)....which has been a sobering experience believe me.

I truly take my hat off to the long timers on here. I am 8 mths post BD and starting to have doubts. The thought of being here for 2 yrs plus seems like a lifetime at the moment.

This truly is hardcore!

Take care buddy and you keep on course. Don't push her and dig deep, remember you could still be here 12 months from now...are you prepared for that?

I had a few blips when I quit almost 25 years ago, and I had a W who was committed to me and quite supportive. You are quitting during the most stressful time of your life! Props to you sir. Just don't let the slip ups allow you to fall back into it. Now that you're running, there's no room in your lungs for smoke!!!



I've done that too. Still want her though, warts and all.



13 months here. I go through short periods where I just want to give up. The trick, I think, is to do what you have to do to enjoy your life. Then it doesn't seem so much like limbo.

What exactly are your doubts?

Yes. Yes it is!



I ain't got no where else to go.

Honestly, the only way I see us parting is if she gets involved in an affair. I don't think I could tolerate that. Then I figure she'll want back in after fantasy land crumbles in a couple of years. Will I still want her if this happens? Donno.

Thanks FY

"You are quitting during the most stressful time of your life! Props to you sir. Just don't let the slip ups allow you to fall back into it. Now that you're running, there's no room in your lungs for smoke!!!"

Don't worry. I will stay the course. I have signed up for a football team to start early May too so definately need to stay off them.

"What exactly are your doubts?"

I am starting to doubt my own resilience to see this through for a start.

I am wondering if I really had the M I thought I had. On reflection I too realised I had a lot of unmet needs in the M and how much I had lost myself.

IDK, for the first time I am looking at W and don't feel as attracted to her anymore.

It might just be a phase but I am thinking alot about whether this is what I really want, or whether I am chasing something I know I cannot have, if that makes sense?

Your comments re the A is interesting as I don't think I have dealt with the EA's properly in my mind. I shut them out but I still get angry. Mainly because W admitted she had not given me any signs about her not being happy, so I really did not get chance to rectify anything at the time before she was tempted away by an OP.....and the fact that she seemed to have initiated the earlier one makes me even more angry. Per my earlier threads she was actually the one that pushed for my vasectomy and started an EA with BD 2 months after.

So am in a good place but still far from being there yet! just alot to work through still I guess.

Thanks for chipping in buddy.

We all do. No one said this would be easy. Thing is, giving up on our wives doesn't offer any guarantee of happiness either.



We all do this too. But the old marriage is dead and gone, so it doesn't matter that it wasn't perfect. If we do R, it will be a new and better marriage.

I'd rather fix US, than start a new relationship, which will only become old in a few years too. And W and I don't even have kids! You and your W are tied together for life, there's no going your own way and forgetting about her. That's extra incentive to wait it out.



Feelings come and go. You've been together a long time, so there's something there. If she were to start speaking your LL, I bet it would melt your heart. This is your goal. Building a new M where you both speak each others LL regularly.

You've stuck it out this long, don't give up now.

Just another update following drop off with wife earlier.

Had a good chat. She was fishing for me to have s for a week in summer so she could have a week away with a girlfriend, said I wild think about it. She said we should make the most of our ditch as it means we can have holidays whilst the other watches the kids!

I bit my tongue and said I would think about it.

She seems to be getting along better with her mother which was positive.

I decided to initiate a hug when leaving and she flung her arms around me and burst into tears. Then said she misses me a lot but she is doing the right thing, that she wants to be happy and wants me to be happy. But it's hard and she is slowly finding herself again.

I told her I missed her to and that I want her to be happy. She then said how much she is glad that we can still talk and that we can be like this with each other. I said me too.

Anyone any thoughts on this? Is it a positive or negative?

FY thanks for your last post. It only appeared after I posted another update yesterday.

You are v right that these are common feelings and after the hug yesterday and seeing W so upset again I just wanted to make all her pain go away. She seems so confused, upset about our sitch yet still certain it's for the best.

Thanks for the input buddy

Be there for her, but don't try to fix her. She has to figure this out for herself.

"yet (she's) still certain it's for the best."

That might be what she says, but I wouldn't be too sure about it. There's always a bit of ambiguity in their mind. Bailing on a H and kids is not an easy thing to do, hence the tears.

Just continue to be the best rky you can be, and keep fueling those doubts!