Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Letting Go & Moving Forward 2

littleGTO, that time will come (being healed and ready to give your heart to someeone else), it is just hard to see that far ahead now. Continue to improve yourself, that is all we can do now.

Thanks, hotwheels,

I appreciate your response to my post. I do realize TIME is the one things we all have but have no control of how to fast forward the healing process.

If there is a healing helper, I'd like to know---GAL, 180s, yes, but something more/ different???

For me it was a simple thing that occurred to me, enough is enough. I just had enough of texting the W once a week getting a "thanks" answer. Something just switched off, cannot describe it any better or differently. I think you cannot work towards it, cannot plan when it is going to happen, is simply just happens. I still love me W very much, just going dark and need to become detached.

Hi GTO,

just checking in on you. You sound like you have your head screwed on straight, but you are just struggling with detachment.....same here. I just can't seem to break loose of the focus on W. I dearly wish I could. If I could lose my love for her life would be soooooo much easier....haha

One thing I am doing now, that actually does seem to make things a little easier, is to NEVER contact wife. I won't phone, text or email her ever, EVER. I do however reply to her whenever she initiates, which is often but generally only in regards to daughter. I have, for the most part, just left her to go down her path. It seems to help me a little with detaching, which I need WAY more of. I have found the less contact I have her, the easier it is to keep the focus on myself.

You know Turtle, I get the feeling that I am becoming ready for someone in my life. While I dearly want it to be H, I also know that it will be okay if it isn't. While I am not ready to go looking as it were, I feel like I get a little surer of me each day...a little more whole, if that makes sense.

Like I no longer define myself in the role of wife and no longer in the role as only mother. I found the Ruby underneath everything.

Hey, GTO!!!

I know that taking down all the pictures was a huge step towards letting my H go. I still haven't put them back up, don't know that I will put them back up even if I decide to R with H.

I was actually thinking of the whole moving on thing last night. The closest experience I can think of is my HS boyfriend. We dated for 4 years. Even now, I still have a love for him. But, I was able to move on. I look at it like that. I will always have love for my H. But I met him when I was 22, and it definately was a young, naive love. I won't ever have that again, and frankly, I'm ok with that today. I know that someone I feel that deeply for can hurt me. Whoever I have an R with, I will look at actions more so than "feelings". A mature relationship requires things today that I didn't realize as a young person.

I know that there are many men out there who are ready and willing to love us. Not cheat on us and treat us the way we deserve. Time will tell if it is our H's or someone new. But I know that. I have lost the fear that I will never have love again. I know I will. And I know you will, too.

GTO, just read your latest posts. I think the way you are interacting with your H suggests animosity. I know, who could blame you, right? But I bet you when he leaves, he leaves either angry or feeling bad about himself, which will not help the M at all. If he asks, it's ok to share where you are going. You could've said you took down the pictures because it felt right to you given the way things are. Basically, show that you are happy without him but don't show that you are just waiting for him to file and that you think he's Mr. Despicable (even if he has behaved like that.) Treat him like a normal person, not with contempt or reproach. That's my advice to you.
It's too soon for you to contemplate being w someone else. For me too. Focus on loving yourself for now. The texting is harmless. I would not worry about it. But don't get yourself anxious about who's next. Focus on today.

Thanks, hotwheels, T, SP, ruby and Tori,

Tori- I've been thinking about what you said. Is there a reason I shouldn't tell H where I'm going on my trip. Would that ease his anxiety and would that be a good thing?

It does seem weird to be heading literally on a 7 hour trip only to end up an hour away from where H will be w boys.

But WHY tell him? Maybe NOT telling him will give him more mystery about me to wonder about. I'll have to think about this more.

Honestly, my thoughts and actions lately have not been about anger or animosity. I didn't think about them from H's POV. Taking down pictures- for me. Not telling about where I'm going on trip- for my "space." I will try to be more empathetic when interacting w him.

NC with 3 active boys is impossible. Most of our conversations though are about boys' schedules and needs, so communication is about co-parenting.

SP- I agree I do better w less contact w H. BUT, when he is around it makes me aware of the feelings that are still very raw and there.

Detachment-- something that takes a very, very, long time & can NOT be rushed. It will come when each of us is ready, no sooner.

H has been helping out a good deal running boys around to their activities and being around when they need him & I can't get home early. I have been genuine in thanking him for all his help.

Today I had to work late and then went to the gym. I forgot my cell phone at home so did not contact H regarding what time I would be home.

I didn't think this was a big deal, since he leaves the house whenever he feels like it generally & kids are okay until I get home. For whatever reason he stopped by my gym to talk to me on his way to his gym.

This is a first. I wonder if he was checking on me. Two reasons-- my trip that I told him I was going on & didn't want to tell him where (& that rubbed him the WRONG WAY) and two, I left some texts on my cell phone from cute young neighbor guy & the past two days I've left my cell phone at home by accident...maybe he has snooped! (The texts were very innocent, but it would throw H for a loop that I might be communicating w another guy).

It also might just be that he didn't have a way to comm w me & it was on his way so he stopped to talk to me. That seems simpler and more likely, I guess.

Also, he reminded me that he wants me to call cell phone co. to give permission to remove his cell phone from my acct. I did this before but he did not set up his own acct within 30 days. I thought maybe he was trying to be smart and save money by not setting up his own acct.

He said he just hasn't had the time, but he wants this done. I know I responded cooly. "Yes, H, I will do this."

Then he said, "Well, I guess I'm going to go."

My pace on the bike doubled when he left...so much stress over something so little. I will call tomorrow to get this one last thing separated. Then he will have the complete financial freedom he told me he desired back in February.

More steps on his own path. Got to stop worrying about him and refocus on ME. So hard sometimes!

Hi GTO, you are doing well it seems. But how come you have to set up HIS account? Why can't he do it? Or have I misunderstood?