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"Once again, the story he gave me about today doesn't make any sense. I think he's spending the day with her.

Am I wrong to be disgusted?
I wish he could see himself. I am embarrassed for him."

You're not at all wrong to be disgusted at him and embarassed for him TVS. His actions are despicable and he knows it, or else he wouldn't try to disguise them with tales of playing golf from 4 am until 11 pm. 

But the difference is that we know your formerly fabulous H has not just suddenly turned into a philandering liar, but rather, his brain is seething with confusion and fear. He CANNOT see himself. So sad. So hurtful to you. 

So maybe in addition to disgust, a bit of pity? Compassion? 

The problem is that pity and compassion may be the theory of what we are supposed to feel, but in reality, while I personally am trying to understand my H, I am NOT a big enough person to feel pity and compassion for him. But you're a better person than I am, you can do it. 

Remember I told you a couple of days ago that I'm trying to become more TVS-like? I wasn't joking Hang in there!

Awww Linda, you're so sweet

It's interesting - I've discovered that I can feel many emotions all at the same time. There is that compassion underneath. I know he's hurting.

But... He still has a choice in how he deals with that hurt. And he continues to make bad choices and do immense damage to our life. Just sad.

I often wonder... What must it be like to look at a person and lie right to their face? Repeatedly?

So while being with her sorry a$$ may make him feel good at the moment, I think that afterwards he has feelings of guilt and remorse. Only he can change this cycle, though.

Thanks for being so kind to everyone around here Linda. You may not think you are doing well, but you are! I am no better than you, believe me. Just a bit farther along on my journey

Keep on keepin on girl!

I can't imagine what it's like to look someone right in the face and lie, over and over either. All of our Hs were formerly good men or else we wouldn't be here trying to hold it together- this constant lying must eat at their souls. They must be able to rationalize their actions somehow to be able to live with themselves. The "I deserve it" rationalization? Or maybe like you said, being with OW makes your H feel good for a little while. These OW must fill some need. But if he suffers such guilt and remorse afterwards....WHY would he keep putting himself through that?

I adore chocolate but it gives me a migraine headache. I am often tempted to eat some but the memory of hours of pain is worse than the thought of the delicious taste of some chocolate in my my mouth for less than a minute. It must be the MLC disconnect that keeps them going back.

Thanks for your friendship and patience in helping me stand taller stronger and better

MLC is not an excuse for bad behaviour. It may be a cause, and they may be hurting, but you know, this behaviour is dishonest, rude and hurtful.

I agree with Linda that there may be hurt, and as you say, there are conflicting emotions. Compassion is good, but we also need to feel the anger that comes from being treated horribly. Anger is a healthy emotion that needs to be acknowledged. not a good place to remain, but a necessary feeling to experience and acknowledge.

Your h is acting in a passive aggressive way. In his mind he isn't married to you any more, but the reality of the law is that he still is, and until he decides on a divorce this is adultery from where I am sitting.

Who knows what their rationalization is Linda - hard to say, since their logic is so skewed.

So why does he keep putting himself through the messed up cycle he's created? Only he knows the answer to that. But I would think that eventually something's gotta give - it ends up just not being worth it anymore for one or both of them.

Bea, I find my H interesting because I absolutely believe that he knows what he is doing is wrong. Even after all this time, he continues to try to hide his behavior from family and friends. Unlike other MLCers who flaunt their affairs and bad behavior, I see my H as having a more secretly entitled attitude. He damn well knows its wrong, but does it anyway.

And yes, it is adultery. Absolutely.

I was given advice long ago by the vets here to let the A die its natural death. That is what I am trying to do. Let it all go to sh!t, without any influence from me.

The thing is, who knows how I will feel when this is all said and done? I may very well be the one to think this isn't worth it, that I can do so much better.

Guess only time will tell on that one.

TVS in my experience MLC affairs can take a long time to die a natural death, because they aren't really like other affairs - google Frank Pittman for his wise articles on adultery.

The MLCer is using the OP (or OPs) If this affair ends there might be another. We tend to see it as the OP but it isn't, it is our spouse who is using sex like a drug of choice. Your h might even be getting high on the secrecy, sick as this sounds.

It is up to all of us how much we tolerate. For myself I wish I had tolerated less, and stood up for myself more. Easy to say with hindsight, but just my 2 c.

Very true, Bea. Very true.

Seems like I get angry, think I'm done, then bounce back and continue on. When I stop bouncing back - that will be when I reach my limit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Onto Father's Day...

I think Father's Day is especially tough for my H. It's a solid reminder that he has a family, and possibly what he's doing to them.

He was very depressed last year. Wasn't sure what to expect this year.

I had the boys color pictures for him. They picked out a bag of practice golf balls for his gift.

I wasn't sure what I should get him, if anything. He did nothing for me for Mother's Day - but I didn't want to get into tit for tat. Not the road I wanted to go down.

A few months ago, H was drawing with the boys in our driveway using chalk. S5 drew a picture of H - it was really cute, and H got a big kick out of it. So when H wasn't around, I snapped a picture of it before the rain washed it away.

For his gift, I ordered a magnet in which one side was a very cute pic of the boys standing with their arms around one another. On the other side - the chalk drawing of H.

I put it in the bag with the golf balls. I did not get him a card.

When he opened the magnet, he sort of just looked at it at first. When he saw the chalk drawing, he got a big genuine smile.
~~~~~~~~~~

We had all the grandparents over for dinner. I cooked steaks, baked potatoes, grilled veggies, brownies. It was very good, and everyone was raving about it. BIL even said it was better than steak he gets at restaurants

Once everyone left, of course H started with the texting. No doubt scheming all their plans for today!

He did thank me for everything. I told him that I thought he was very good with the boys, and that I've noticed S5 has been much closer to him lately (which is true). He always says things like "Daddy likes this song" or "Daddy likes that tv show". He's always watching him.

H said he's noticed that too. That he feels like S5 has been closer with him since he has stopped yelling at him or grabbing him. That he is really trying to be better.

As we're talking, he starts texting, like I'm not even there. Rude. So I turn around and go up to bed without another word. I refuse to just stand there and wait till he's done texting. Then of course we had his wonderful behavior this morning...

~~~~~~~~~

So MIL asks H when would be a good night for him to camp out with the boys. He finally tells her he is going on his trip. She asks when he is leaving and coming back. He tells her, and she says something like "Oh, so you're not going to be able to do anything with us." I can't say she was mad, but definitely seemed surprised.

Should be interesting.

That's all for now folks. Still mad about today. So I booked a facial and massage for myself for tomorrow. My new mantra - don't get mad, get pampered

I'm glad Father's Day went well. I'm sure he was thrilled with the magnet and it had to bring back some good memories of that day.

I'm sorry about all of the texting. I would have been tempted to ask him if he could refrain from texting until later. After all, he's a teenager and needs to learn some manner along the way as well.

I'm sure your mil was quite surprised to learn that he wasn't going to be around to go camping. She's going to start putting two and two together very soon. It's a shame he can't kick the "TT" habit.

Yes, I can understand your anger. I would have been angry too w/the little lies and how he falls all over himself to tell you what he's doing, etc., when you already know he's off to see the "TT". Me, I would be tempted to go visit the golf course or whereve he says he's going to be and when he returned home and said how the day went, I would have to tell him that I was there and didn't see him...now, that would be a priceless photo op. Sometimes, we have to do 180's and not get in a rut w/our own way of handling things...again this is how I would handle this little "TT" trips. LOL!

TV, you are doing great. I'm sorry he's still out there. I wish I could move the hands on his time clock from Rip's time to the present time for you. I'm glad to see that you have set up an appointment to be pampered. You own it to yourself.

I hope the week is a good one for you.

Thanks Snodderly!

I thought the same thing about saying something to him about the texting. I'm sure I'll get the opportunity again since the texting is constant lol!

I have thought about checking up on his nonsense stories, but always go back to paying no attention to him and his nonsense. I don't want me asking questions to seem like pursuit or pressure - I am absolutely confident that TT is pressuring him, so she can go right ahead. He wants her so bad, he can have her!!!

I will try to think of some 180's I can do I response to him...

Too bad they don't make a TT patch to help our MLCers kick the dirty habit lol!

Looking forward to some "me" time tomorrow - I damn well deserve it

Hi TVS,

If it helps, my W at first, from what she told me, felt entitled, then compelled, addicted to her man friend, especially when the depression was really bad, but the "what I'm doing is wrong" and guilt, shame eventually worked back up to the surface. She said she knew it was wrong, but.....

If I interpret my journal correctly from the "odd" things I documented her saying, I would guess the PA started around beginning of Feb 2012, and per her she was done (at least the PA part) Jan 2013, so roughly a year...of course there were all the concurrent online EA's, but that's another story all together. So maybe the approximate "1 year" time is getting close for you now? Before it unravels?

I admire your strength knowing the affair is ongoing, I have some reprieve in that she says she has stopped, and I am going to "act as if" I trust her, until evidence otherwise.

My IC said something that may help...that MAYBE W feels "inferior" to me, because I have stood, kept the house and all its stuff going, improved me, and didn't have an affair of my own, and have survived 2 years with no ML... and W actually hinted around that a few times...and maybe this is making her "stuck" right now...and that as a woman, my IC thinks its possible that W is terrified of touching me because it might "let loose" the old, buried feelings for me, and W isn't ready for that yet.

Anyway, hope maybe that helps some...

You rock, TVS!

T^2