Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Me 8 months on, dark and trying to detach.

HW, sounds like a brilliant plan!! I think expectations have been your biggest achilles heel in detaching, if you go dark and do it for YOU then you're basically letting go of your expectations. I'm a little ahead of you on the timeline, once you come to the realization that you KNOW you will be fine with or without your W then the real healing begins. The more I've healed the more I realized just how much I was still hurting and just how many expectations I still had even though I thought I was detached. I see it in other people's sitches too, they think they are detached but are really far from it. With true detachment comes real peace with and acceptance of your sitch.

Thanks AnotherStander, yes the expectations have been my biggest achilles heel. I really think one of my biggest issues, was being selfish, as mentioned earlier, this made me not do the DB for myself, as I felt I was still being selfish. So enough of that. This will definitely be hard, in going dark. But I have to do this for my mental state, otherwise I will continue to go around in circles.

Hi HWA

Thanks for the kind words on my thread - I need all prayers possible at the moment. Rough times right ahead!

I am sorry that I didn’t get back to you on your long post with questions. Now it seems like you have made up your mind and defined a new path.
I agree with others - I like the path and think this will serve you well!

I wish you all the best in every way!

F

Thanks Fartiltre, I know I am on the right path now. I do feel better straight away. I wish the best for you and your sitch the same in every way.
Thank goodness for this forum.

Funny enough, first day back at work after a long weekend holiday, walk into the Admin office and the secretary goes "wow, you have one big smile today". Just feels like a dark cloud has been lifted. I still accept baby steps, just in a better space right now. Even managed to talk to the friend from back home (the one I didn't know whether he relayed info to the W or not) and spend an hour talking about everything except the W. If the subject came up and just kept saying I don't need to talk about it. Could do better, but still happy with the way I handled it.

Quick question/s.
How should I handle the reply from the W, family or friends about why no more contact with her? Not expecting this question, but want to be prepared, especially since I will be back at home in less than two weeks. Different comment based on different people?

My reply previously has always been along the lines of "I still love and care for W and would love to work on the marriage, but am trying to improve me".

I would say stick with that.

I would take out " love to work on the marriage". To me you say it all when you love and care for W.

" I love and care for W, and I am working on improving myself ". I dislike "but". It in effect negates the previous statement.

Thank you for the replies ladies, appreciate it. Just wanted to check if still on the right path with my replying about the sitch.
Got commented by a second person today about being so happy. The swagger is starting to appear.
Off to a freebie crossfit lesson tonight, new place opening up this week. Probably cannot afford it, but can afford the freebie lesson.

I love freebies. Go for it smilie.