The boys and I went to our neighbor's last night to celebrate their daughter's 21st birthday. It was really fun. I didn't think of H or the D. Even several months ago I wouldn't have felt like socializing. I was working through sadness. I realized that I no longer feel like H is missing. It's not so painful looking at other couples and families now. I also noticed that I was really engaged in conversations. Before I would act like I was listening, but inside I was really distracted by my own grief.
I believe I must finally be at acceptance in the grief cycle. I was stuck for so long in sadness so it feels good to be here. I fully expect to cycle a bit more, especially once the settlement negotiations start up again. I think that when feelings of fear are activated I start cycling again, so I'll work on that with my IC this week.
I do wonder though, since we've had a bit of a cooling off period due to my attorney switch whether H has been at all reflective. He hasn't been able to lash out at me directly or through my attorney so is the anger still stirring or has it died down? I may get the answer when my new attorney sends her offer letter this week. It is more than fair so either he'll jump at it so this will end and he'll finally have his D or he'll send a ridiculous counter-offer just to keep it going.
I'm enjoying the peace and contentment that I feel. I don't want to go backward.
GM, You sound much better today. Enjoy the calm before the storm, so to speak. I'm sure he'll be spitting once he received the offer letter. He's just simmering away for now. I am hoping he'll accept the offer so that you both can move forward.
You are very wise in knowing that you most likely will have a few more cycles along the way.
Enjoy your day! You've earned it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It seems that the majority of MLCers either remain at home or try to keep some type of relationship going, at least for awhile, with the LBS. Mine would avoid me at all costs. From a distance I've received periodic acknowledgement and offers of additional financial support, but he has never wanted to see or speak to me on any kind of social level. I don't think he's ever asked me how I am which amazes me considering I am the one raising our children on my own. For the first six months post-bd I tried to by upbeat and keep a connection when he picked up the boys (this was after begging him to come home, etc.) After he moved in with OW ("to save money") he started avoiding me, but would say nice things in between spewing episodes. I'm being careful not to make this about me, but I do feel hurt that he treats me like this horrible person that he can't have anything to do with, but has moments when he seems to acknowledge who I really am. Is this likely about his own guilt and conflicting feelings or does he really despise me? Any guesses?
It is likely more than guilt and conflicting feelings. He possibly can't even think about you without being piszed off at himself, which comes out as spew AT you.
There are MLCers we come to know as "vanishers". They aren't rare, but they seem to be fairly common enough. I had one. They really would likely disappear from our lives if it weren't for the kids. With those without kids, vanishers... just vanish... sometimes for years, a LBS will only know they still exist because sometimes a mutual friend might mention them in passing.
Personally, I'm OK with my stbx not speaking to me. Mostly it was either spew or just uncomfortable, anyhow. Helped me detach.
It's interesting, KD. My H ran away from his first wife (no kids) 25 years ago, also right before Christmas. During the D process (or maybe once it was finalized) he tried to reconcile out of "loneliness." From his description she seemed like a lovely young woman. He was also close with her family. It seems he ran away due to his own failures and shame.
I don't know why I'm pondering this still. I guess the rejection is the hardest part to heal from. It hurts that he tried to R with his wife of only three years, but our children and 19 years aren't worth it. So, maybe the grass really is greener, IDK. I don't want to mind read or make assumptions, but in all the time he's been gone I haven't gotten even an inkling that he would consider R. He has only said that the D process can be stopped at any time if he changed his mind and I was receptive. Painful!
My attorney let me know that she is working on my settlement and also had a brief conversation with H's attorney. H is pushing hard for counseling for the boys, not because he wants them to have help with all that's happened, but because he's still trying to fast-track a relationship with them without doing any of the hard work. It's amazing that he didn't believe in getting counseling for us or for himself (because, after all, he doesn't "believe people change"). He doesn't want to do the hard work needed to be a real parent, but rather just wants "access" to the boys. Again, it's all about what he needs. What they need right now is stability and he can't even provide that. It's taken a lot to get me and the boys to where we are emotionally and the thought of him coming in and disrupting that gives me an anxiety attack.
GM while I understand your frustration that your h doesn't want counselling for himself, the boys and him could benefit from counselling.
A good counsellor helps give a voice to what is going on for your children, if that makes sense? He or she will not be fooled by bs. The main thing is that your boys may very well benefit and your xh may not find it the easy option either.
Frankly I would welcome any additional sane voice in all of this.
" H is pushing hard for counseling for the boys, not because he wants them to have help with all that's happened, but because he's still trying to fast-track a relationship with them without doing any of the hard work."
You don't know what his reasons are for this. C would be good for your kids no matter what. Take care of their needs and stop mindreading your H's actions.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mr. Bond, my H has said that once the dust settles and a counselor works with them they will see that he hasn't done anything wrong. It's one of the most delusional things he has said. So, once again, there's nothing wrong with him. It's the way the boys' feel and see the situation that is wrong.
Not everyone here is mind reading all of the time.
