M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
H moved home this week. Picked him up at LAX on Thursday, the movers bring his things tomorrow. Today, Ikea to get some new stuff for him. A trip to ikea on a Saturday can strain the most stable marriages, LOL. Things going well so far, but am very thankful we have MC set up for Monday.
"get in the car, get in the car"... LOL (love that Ikea commercial).
Congrats on hubby's homecoming.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Major ups and downs over the past few weeks. We have had some really good times and some really painful ones. We are both in IC and MC with a really good Psych. She had recommended that we both live separately when he moved back to CA and ease back into things. Both of us wanted to try being together under the same roof.
Well...he got his own apartment yesterday. About a mile from the house so still close. We have MC this afternoon. He feels it's the right thing to do so we can take a step back and work on our relationship without the stressors of trying to live together too. He was trying to be sweet, buying me a card and dinner last night, trying to make me laugh.
My logical brain tells me this is probably the right path to take, to find each other again before one of us walks for good. It has been almost three years since we have truly lived together due to his job. I know we are different people now. And I know it is for the best.
But, even though I agreed to this, why do I feel completely devastated? I haven't honestly felt this low since BD. I'm not quite at that level, but I feel myself spiraling into depression (and I am on ADs). My brain tells me this is the right thing to do, but my emotions are all over the place and I truly feel abandoned all over again. I know I'm not, we are married, he wants to work on this and doesn't want to fail...but I am just so sad all over again.
And do I ramp up the pre-piecing DB again by making the road home easier? Or do I continue to focus on piecing and really work on our issues? I feel like a blubbering idiot today.
We haven't established rules for this. Do we come and go as we please at each other's place? Do we make dates? Do we expect to spend time together? I know we will discuss this today at MC, but I just feel so overwhelmed I don't know where to start.
Came home last night and all of his things were gone, absolutely everything. I just feel so empty today. We are supposed to have dinner tonight and our first 'date' on Friday ( we already had tickets to a show before the decision to move was made). I know I have to revert back to my fake it till you make it, PMA stuff...just back to that emotional block that I need to learn to hurdle again.
Nice to see you posting. I try to remember to check the piecing forum for you.
I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. I am sure this whole reconnection is emotional.
I am sooo not a counsellor but it seems a strange thing that the counsellor would make a suggestion for you both to live apart. I get the take it slow thing but if he was already moving in, why get him to move out? In any event I am not the professional. But I can understand your misgivings. Trust does not just come back automatically.
Melting I hope your date goes swimmingly tonight. Slow and steady. Come here when you need to talk.
Hi Portia! Thanks for stopping by. Seems like there isn't much traffic down here in Piecing. I get that more attention is needed by those folks still in crisis mode.
Our C had suggested we start slow and rebuild our relationship without the day to day struggles that come with reestablishing a household together. We both are on the same page to make this work but I think we both overestimated our abilities to cope with the stress of his move, our relationship, the unresolved issues we are still working on in counseling. We were both so overwhelmed by those things that we were not able to effectively even be together without arguing.
Our C knows that even though we have both separately been working on our selves, we still have a lot on both of our plates, my H's father's suicide and his upbringing really just barely scraping the surface. She felt it would be beast for us to maintain separate households, and both have a safe space to be while we are working through our biggest issues. Forcing it to work under the same roof just wasn't working for us.
And, as much as I didn't want it to happen, it really did instantly remove a lot of the extra stressors and resentment that was building. We are much gentler with each other and communicating well, and able to have fun...now that we both can breathe.
I still don't know where we are headed or how we are getting there, but I'm back to taking one step at a time, learning to trust again and remembering how much fun the two of us used to have together.
If the separation is working, then it is a good thing. Such a simple and powerful phrase: Do what works!
And I can see that it would be difficult to live in each other's pockets and still be working through not only personal issues but issues that you experienced as a couple, especially as you were long distance for so long.
Those of us in long term, long distance relationships are quite independent and I confess even now, I wonder how I would go back to living with someone full time. Sometimes there is no better feeling after a long hard day than to go home and know that only my cat is there with no more demand than to put food in her dish.
I am glad to hear you are both having fun as well as still attending counselling. Have a great weekend and pop back with updates when you can!
So, just dropping by to note that I think I'm dealing with something much more complicated then a MLC or communication issues... My C had mentioned many months ago that what I was describing in my H's behavior sounded like it could possibly be a BPD. I've kept that nugget of information in the back of my head and have just monitored and journaled my way through the last couple months.
I'm very much convinced, and my C who is also doing IC with my H, has again mentioned this possibility. Too early to truly diagnose but the patterns are all there. Honestly, I've been doing a lot of research and reached out to other groups for BPD and I am very very overwhelmed and depressed at the thought of my H having a true mental disorder which causes the irrational behavior. And I'm not sure I can choose this path for the rest of my life.
I have made a promise to myself that I will work on this as long as he continues with therapy. This could very well be much bigger than anything DB can help with...
Hey melting, I hope you are careful with that assessment.
Do you know if your C thinks it is chronic? I have no reason to doubt your C except to say that I suspect your C is also suggesting it's too early to be certain, but that there are tendencies.
DSM-IV / DSM-V obviously has some very clear determinations. The diagnosing of a human is not always so clear.
My stbx has possible BPD tendencies, yet has never been diagnosed and IF she were, I'd say she's very functional, which is possibly the same as your H. IOW, while the tendencies are there and even a clear diagnosis can be made, it may not affect your H's day to day living and behaviour as a functioning member of society.
That said, MLC can show up with many DSM-V like symptoms. Yet they may not be chronic and may be related to dealing with and resolving cognitive dissonance. IDK. *shrug*
Do understand that labelled and non-labelled people successfully live with and have long term / life long Ms to people with intellectual labels (and symptoms).
The question may not be whether you can live with a label. Rather, the question may be, prior to your H's "crises", were his behaviours something that you could live with?
!