Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Think wife is having a MLC?

hmm, I might be off moderation now?? posts seem to show up w/o the wait. So some more info:

Roughly 4-5 months ago after my kids sports trip, when I got home I got the "ILYB" speech.

She went out and started buying clothes, tanning, spending a lot of time with friends, and just wasn't there for anyone else (ie kids, work, me).

Now after doing the 180 for the last 3 weeks, with a couple of minor slips, she says she's done going out, wants to stay home, tired of her friends, doesn't want to do anything. BUT, she says she wants the marriage to get back to normal, in a kind of reverse physcology kind of way, meaning NO effort at all. I've told her I can no longer live that way, I've made all these changes (GAL'n, gym, hanging with friends), and I need more in my marriage/relationship now. I'm tired of no communication, lack of sex, rug sweeping. I told her i'd rather be divorced than in a marriage by myself.

These are probably wrong things to say, but I tried to let her know that marriage to me, because of the new me, needs to be healthy or not at all.

DR spoke to me more then DB did.... $15.00 at B&N. Go for it.

Yep, that's how it was with me, and still is to a degree. The main change is that she spends more time with me now. We "date" by going out with just the two of us. A good sign for me was a month ago when on a Saturday afternoon she was playing a game with my youngest daughter. It's been months since she interacted like that with the kids. She hasn't done that again since.


Same here again, except my W still goes out. Main difference is that sometimes if something is going on at home she will stay home.

When my W stopped talking about separation/divorce, and decided to stay in the marriage, she still says she doesn't really love me. She said she is "working her way back to me." It was her opinion that I should be happy because she didn't leave. Afterall, according to her, she hasn't really loved me in many years, yet I was happy. The only difference is that now I knew she doesn't love me.

and about the NO effort on your W's part. Same here. Her effort is that she didn't leave. In the DB book it says how one partner will be doing most of the work. I just sort of accept that.

What do I think? The problems in the marriage weren't insurmountable, in fact the 180's changed much for the better. It is not me, A MLC is an identity crisis. Her inner turmoil and unhappiness spills over into the relationship.

I try to remind myself that it is not just about me. She is struggling with many feelings/emotions.




I said much of the same thing to my W. I said that I don't need her, and if she doesn't love me then I don't want to remain married to her. The thing is that you cannot expect your W to turn around so fast. This takes time and we must be patient. In my mind, I have milestones where I intend to reassess my marriage and my feelings toward my wife. I don't share this with her. For me it is a way to keep going, by having shorter-term milestones to think whether I can keep going and whether progress is being made, and whether I want to continue.

You might consider making some short-term goals and see how well you can progress. For example, sex once a week (if you have non now), her doing more clearning in the house, dinner once a week with just the two of you where you talk to each other.

Sailing,
May I ask how long youve been dealing with your situation?

Patience doesnt seem to even begin to cover this for a definition, seems like a whole new word needs to be invented for it. Have you seen/read many success stories with this? Or prefer to not even go there.

Doing what research/reading I could find on the site, it seems like another 6-9 months of this would be pretty common for the low end. Gulp.

Is she worth waiting for? Sure, but even my kids are beginning to deal with this in adverse ways. Any tips for the older kids?

Thx again for you input, its so valuable to me right now.

Monday's phone coaching call cant get her fast enough.

So hard not having anyone around to get out with. The gym is getting old as I was already in pretty good shape. The weekends just DRAG on I swear. You can hear a pin drop around here. Need to find some new hobby I guess, that doesn't cost much, wish wife hadn't blow so much money on clothes and trips. Making it tough for everyone else to have a life.

The best things in life are free (or pretty damn cheap):

• Volunteering (every soup kitchen could use a hand, every rec center I know of is in desperate need of someone to help "supervise" kids/teens)
• Community education classes (cooking, computing, foreign language)
• Hitting a tub of golf balls at any range shouldn't set you back more then 10.00
• Hiking, walking (find a nature trail or rail trail near you).
• Church/faith/etc: pretty good place to find events/groups/etc.
• Fishing

I actually spent 10.00 at a local nursery and planted flowers for the first time in my life... that was a 180/GAL that got noticed RIGHT away.

I also have a friend who is just starting out with his own business, weekends that I don't have our child, I help him out gratis.

not sure how you really set dates to stuff like this. I would say my wife really started her MLC about 18 months ago, the ILYB was in Dec 2012.


Not sure about advice for older children who will be more award of changes. My kids are young and have not said anything. Do they notice? yes they do. They notice they get much less mommy time.

One thing I read here or maybe in the DB book was not to manage my W's relationship with the kids. If she let's them down, then I'm not going to cover for her. With older kids this might make more sense.

Did my first coaching call this morning, what a GREAT outlet to have, and I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone on the fence about it. A lot of what I have/had been doing is correct. The 180 isn't all about detaching, but more about doing the opposite of what I wasn't doing previously. Listen and Validate!!!neutral and distant isn't always the answer, but it can change depending on the moods swings. The personal tweaking from coaching helps figure out when and where those tweaks help the best for your own situation. While also helping find yourself in those difficult times.

Well im finding out that a spouse still in the house is really an advantage, and doesn't speed or slow things up in any way. That word patience comes up over and over again. Thank goodness I started doing the 180 for myself a few weeks ago, with some minor tweaks due to some of the reading in Divorce Busters. Another source that people must have to help deal with, and help establish goals (even if there just for "self") for the situation.

I'll keep posting any updates, or heck just journal here and there as things happen. I'm off to work, then the gym. Heres hoping all of you are taking care of yourselves, and positive things are happening in your lifes. If not, keep your chin up, as there is always tomorrow.

BTW. I found a really good outlet that makes me feel good about myself AND gets me out of the house, in case anyone needs an idea.

I went down to the local shelter/humane society. I'm im starting to walk dogs everyday that are stuck in the kennels (no kill shelter). They are happy to have the interaction, and I feel great getting out and helping these poor animals. Hopefully they find homes soon!

Journal entry:

Damn, how do people get thru these situations. My wife keeps telling me we'll be fine, we'll get thru it. She's talked to her friends and they all seem to be going thru the same thing (all 15+ year marriages) but all her friends marriages get temp fixes and its right back to square one. How do people not understand they need to make LIFE changes, not temp fixes, or enough to placate their spouse for another month or two.

For my 180, im trying to get my wife out of the house more, she's depressed (I think) and wants to just sit and watch tv, says shes happy doing that for now. We have a lunch date today, but would love to take her dancing in the near future. Something fun. She doesn't seem to realize SHE needs to start somewhere, and be able to do it for herself, not me.