Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Getting Back to Me

RT, are you okay? Please give an update when you can.

Hanging in there! I had my wisdom teeth out last Friday so I've been on the pain med loopy train. But I am feeling much better and bouncing back.

UPDATE: I had a lot of down time recovering from my wisdom teeth so it was a task to keep my thoughts and emotions balanced just sitting around with nothing to do. My W is still out of town working and returns tonight very late. I am not sure how long she will "visit" but I am trying not to focus on it or develop any expectations. She has been checking on me via call and text since my surgery. All of our communication has been really nice but not without some effort on my part to restrain from R speak. I was prepared for the effects of the New Moon and Mercury Retrograde the past couple of days, so knowing that I would feel overly emotional, combative, and communication would be strained for everyone it was an exercise in self control to STFU!

My depression feels manageable. God works in wonderful ways. I needed some down time to rest emotionally and my oral surgery gave me the perfect chance to do that.

JOURNAL: My sisters are coming to visit next month. I am really excited about that. My younger sis will be here next Sat. and stay for a week. Then 3 days after she leaves my older sis will arrive and stay for over 2 weeks. This will be really good for me. They are my best friends and super supportive of me. They make me laugh and listen really well. I am very blessed to have them both.

I think that my W will stick around long enough to visit with my younger sis. They have always been very close. During this S and A revelation, my sisters have been amazingly centered. Both of them in my corner of course, but both of them have also reached out to my W to express their love for her and offer their support to her. She was blown away by this. I wasn't surprised at all. They are my sisters. I expected nothing less. However I don't think my W will stay through July 4th. I think she is in selfish mode and hanging out on the lake and boat, partying with her brother and friends is far more interesting to her than sitting on the beach with me, my sis, and my 12yr old nephew. Even though it's tradition and something the 4 of us have done every July 4th for the past 7 years. I also don't think she will be comfortable enough to stick around for the older sis visit. They are not as close as my W and younger sis so I think she will bounce out of here for sure before that arrival. I don't blame her. I would be scared to come face to face with my family for the first time since exposure too.

So, I will make the best of whatever time she is here and start looking forward to a wonderful visit with my sisters.

Ack about the wisdom tooth! That's gotta hurt a lot. Hope it heals quickly.

You've done good work girl in restraining yourself from initiating any R talk with W. Keep it up. How wonderful that your sisters will be visiting you. I have three sisters and I know exactly what you're talking about. Something special about this kind of sisterly bond.

It appears that W's life isn't going well at this point and you have no control over that. Let her spin and eventually her rose-colored glasses will spin off as well.

Stay the course, RT!

SUPER VENT: Some numbnut trying to give my wife advice sent her this quote:

“If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.” ~ Johnny Depp

WTF? That is this friend's advice to my W? I'm old enough to be a Johnny Depp groupie as a kid and from what I remember he is no role model for marriage. He was married for 2 years, then engaged to a girl, then engaged again to Jennifer Grey, then engaged again to Wynona Rider, then in a crazy relationship with Kate Moss, then he with this last model and mother of his 2 kids for 14 years and is now leaving her.

Really? Johnny Depp. Sage marital advice from the relationship oracle.

Good grief. This friend of my W's has never even met me. But they know the OW. They all worked together.

"Isn't that intersting that they think that?"

Whew! Breathing.

I know this is not funny at all. But I am laughing hard at that stupid quote. Geez, girl obviously got her priorities kinda screwy.

Things have been good since my W returned form her trip on Tue. I have been good. I have been calm and haven't had any expectations to be let down and get my feelings hurt. I read something the other day that said 'too much analysis shuts down your intuition and replaces trust with fear.'

Pretty interesting I think. I can over-analyze like no one else! And then my imagination runs away with me and everything my W does, says, doesn't do or say, has some hidden alterior meaning/motive. I've been trying to keep that thought in my head during this "visit.' I don't know... It kind of reminds me of two things. 1 - I can only control my own emotions and actions and 2- Let go and let God.

UPDATE: W and I have had a nice time. We had dinner with our neighbor and her son Wed. night and last night we stayed home and made sushi together. A first for both of us. It was fun! We laughed a lot. Since she came home she has slept in our bed. (during the 1st visit she would sleep in the guest room) She didn't make a big deal of it. I told her the guest room was ready for her when I went to bed on Tue. night and she responded "I was just going to sleep in our room if that's ok with you." I gave a low key "of course." So no fireworks and no battle lines. It's just been calm and pleasant. That's really been my goal. I still have no idea what her plans are or how long she is thinking of staying. I'm not asking. My sister arrives tomorrow! I am so excited!!!

Yesterday a super supportive friend sent me this:

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." ~ Bob Marley

Have GAL Weekend!!!

RT, this sounds like some positive stuff is happening between you and W. Sleeping your bed!!! Wow that is a big baby step for W. I hope your W is enjoying the visit with your sister.

My sister's visit is going well. We are all having a good time. My W's brother phoned yesterday and he is driving down today with his D3 to join us. I am really looking forward to having him here.

Backing up a little bit. A few days after my W had arrived we sat in the den together. She let me know that her AP was very angry that she was here. That her AP had broken up with her (again) and will not even speak to her until my W leaves me permanently. The conversation was quick and then a few minutes later she shifted and was laughing awkwardly when she said this, " I feel like there is an elephant in the room." When I asked her what she meant, she said that we had not discussed when she would be leaving again.

I have honestly come to the place in the past few weeks that I no longer want to live this way. I have suffered enough limbo. She has been trying to choose between her AP and her W for over a year. I saw the text in Feb. 2012. 16 months ago. I am ready to move forward in my life with or without her. Although if I'm honest it's very scary but I feel that I need to push myself forward. My resentement for this limbo induced by her is growing and I need to just let it all go.

So I simply said, "Well let's talk about it."

She said she didn't know how long she was staying or where she was spending the holiday, with us or her brother. Yada, yada, yada. I could just envision her packing up and bee-lining straight for the AP's house to get her "fix" since the AP had cut her off and then back up on the fence she would go until she needed one of us more than the other.

I simply don't want that life for myself anymore. I told her that I had come to a decision and that for me, that decision was if she left again that our marriage would be over and I would move on. She was pretty angry at that. She didn't think it was "fair" that I just sprang this on her. I told her I didn't intend to tell her unless she left but that she brought it up so I felt that I should.

We spoke a while longer. She expressed more of the same. Confusion. Love for 2 women. Worried she and I can't get our passion and romance back. (to which my reply was, everyone only has enough energy to put passion and romance into one person and you have not been focusing yours in your marriage.)

So all of that took place last Wed. She is still here and we really are having a nice time. Her brother coming down is an added bonus and I'm so excited to see him. I have noticed her in a bit of a funk for the past 2 days. She has been loving and somewhat affectionate. But I know she is struggling and thinking of the AP who won't talk to her and the W who is calmly ready to walk away.

Is it weird that I feel bad for her? I do. She openly sobbed. And I mean sobbed in my arms in our bed for an hour last Friday. The kind of cry where you can't catch your breathe. I just held her and tried to help her breathe. She didn't say much during this time but a few "I'm sorry's" escaped. I don't know what the emotions were. It felt like guilt and shame but I don't know if it was over the affair or over the fact that she knows what she wants and will be leaving. I didn't ask. I was just there with her head buried in my chest.

I started this journey of growth and examining my marriage with the thought that when or if my marriage ended I would be able to walk out of it knowing that I had done everything in my power to work it out. I have. I have spent the past 16 months moving towards the goal of saving my marriage and challenging my own shortcomings. But at some point, I have to have a willing partner. At some point, my wife has to try. I know what it feels like to be loved by this woman. And this is not it.

So for whatever reason I'm feeling stronger and like it's time. Time to put myself truly first. Time to look at this situation and say to myself that it is not healthy and that it is holding me back. It's time to really detach. I cannot control her heart or actions but I can take care of myself. Living with her indecisiveness and the limbo and dysfuntion of her affair relationship are not healthy for me, for her, for the AP. I am stronger than this. I am strong enough to stop allowing these 2 people to take up space in my thoughts and cause me pain each and every day.

I love my wife. I do not want to lose her. But more importantly, I do not want to lose me.

Bravo! And ditto to that! :-)

((((RT))))

I am in very much the same place. H is looping between OP and me, said he had no romantic feelings (ie passion and excitement) for me and wants to give relationship with OP another shot. She also broke it off after his much contact with me.

He is also confused, but like you, I am not.

We know what we want, but it is time to go this path alone, isn't it?

All I know is that our books are not written yet, and I have the feeling that neither is yours and W's.

However, I don't know what the ending will be, only it's time to get on with another chapter.

Ruby