Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How to proceed with angry, almost-walkaway H?

You misunderstand. You can "support" them. But not their decisions.

"I understand; I'm sorry you feel that way; It's not what I prefer but I respect your needs. Those are ok, right?"

Exactly.

"Oh...I thought I wasn't supposed to confront him about OW? I'm worried that I'll push him further away if I guilt him about his lies. "

In your case, you're at the cusp of him wanting to cake eat. He blames you for everything that's gone wrong in the marriage, his life, job, etc. He's in the fog of the affair. No one told you to confront him, but you had brought it up. So in those cases, be sure you stand firm and strong. Show him you aren't going to be pushed around.

Thanks for the clarifying the above, MrBond. I think I get it now -- I have to show him that that I want to be treated with respect, be firm about it, yet at the same time say that I respect his decisions (when what I really want to do is to call him a lying, cheating meanie).

I'm still struggling with questions 1, 2 and 3 on the previous page... Will be grateful for any advice from experienced DB-ers.

Saying that you respect his decisions when you really want to call him a lying cheating meanie is NOT a good idea. Be authentic. Validating is showing a person you understand they have a right to make their decisions. Because they do. You do not have to say you respect, support, like or agree with their decisions because you also have a right to your own feelings and decisions.

This is not really a chess game. The advice on this board helps people get to where they can better understand, empathize, and lose the bitterness and the scorecard and have a chance of a hope of reconciling, but it is by becoming a better person, not by saying the magic words.

Maji,
You certainly have my prayers! I know from experience how tough it is to have the right words "on the spot". I've got so much to learn so I don't feel like I can give advice, but I can support you in this difficult time. Just know you can get through this & I bet there's something so much better for you I the future!!
(((((hugs)))

Thanks for your support, Amy and Adinva. *hugs* Looks like there are different definitions of validation. I've got a lot to learn.

Right now, I'm trying to stay calm and gather my thoughts about what to do next. My plan is to continue to DB while he's still at home. PMA and 180s will continue. Step up on the GAL.

Lots of questions:

1. I don't know how to behave around him anymore. Do I stay friendly? Or should I be short on words and look busy? Do we still hang out and go out to eat/movies like we usually do on weekends? If I'm friendly, won't he think that I'm totally ok with him giving up on our M and moving out. Last night, I think I gave him the impression that I'm ok (and understand) his decision to move out.

2. Maybe I can bring up the possibility of a trial separation for 3 months, instead of the "separation" that he's asking for. Is that considered pursuit? Any thoughts, anyone?

3. I'm still wondering whether I should confront him about OW. Right now, he has experienced ZERO consequences for his cheating / bad behaviour. He's said his giving up on our M has nothing to do with OW (false). I'm not entirely ok with that. I know that there won't be any remorse but at least he'll have to own up to the fact that he lied to me these 3 months. Part of me STILL wants to ask him to give us a real shot, without OW in the picture. Is that a bad idea to ask him?

Sorry, my thoughts are not coherent now…

H came back today in a good mood -- first time in weeks! Now that he knows he's free to go, he's suddenly chatty. And he actually want to help me with dinner. Whatever.

Do I be friendly and upbeat back? Or should I be distant and polite?

Still thinking about whether to persuade him to do trial separation, and whether to confront him about OW. Help...

Any advice, anyone?

Terrible weather today but I went out for a spot of lunch and shopping. Also met my sister afterwards. Real good to see her newborn.
Came home in a good mood. H was similarly in a good mood. He cooked me a nice dinner and we talked like the old days. I decided to be friendly but not enthusiastic towards him and not confront him about the OW for now.

It feels really strange how he's suddenly so relaxed and happy, now that he knows he's free to go. And actually NICE to me after weeks of tension and being sullen. But I'm not deluding myself b/c I know he's already started checking out rental apartments.

I really, really wonder if I should be friendly to him. I'm tempted to tell him that I still don't want a D, and that I'm only agreeing to a short term separation. Sigh. Don't know if I gave him the wrong impression 2 nights ago when I said 'ok' to a separation. Should I talk to him about this?

Maji
My, our present situations are so similar. My H just told me this AM that he thinks we should separate for a while. You & I both need vets 2 stop by & Give us advice.. NOW
I feel for you & care

I'm not a vet, sorry, but have a question for you to think about. What will your H do different if you only agree to a short separation? What will he do different if you do not agree to a separation at all? How will he be brought closer by your resistance to what he needs or wants?

Think about how to keep the road home paved and smooth without laying beartraps along it to trap him in...because they will more likely trap him out.