Of course I want to spend as much time as possible with him. But, that comes across as needy, so I declined today saying I had errands and other work to finish.
During our ride together today, h opened up about his "feelings". He said alot of the same stuff, he feels he needs to stay at the house with his mom for a while still, and therefore is still debating on putting down hardwood and knocking down some walls, to make it more liveable/fun when home. He also said he hates living with his mom and feels like the stereo type. Hates that he is "mommied". He says he wants to runawaya. Says he wants to enjoy July and August and go seadooing as often as he can. He had pizza again all weekend, and is getting tired of the pizza, chips and beer nights. Spent the weekend working, as late as 10:30 on Saturday night. His buddy is all in love in his new relationship and is travelling in Europe (soon or now?? dont recall). He keeps saying things like "I dunno" and that he wants to runaway. He is feeling old and that he needs to start enjoying the money. Which is why the floors/walls comment. He also enjoys the knick knacks being gone for dusting purposes, although he enjoys the homey stuff. He says he will be a minimalist when his reno's are done.
I tried to validate along the way and did not interrupt. I nodded alot (even tho I don't agree). I validated by saying "I understand how you must be feeling" He seemed to pay attention. I also said "I trust that you will do the right thing" and that I think he should go seadooing this summer. He also asked about my plans, if I was getting enjoyment out of spending time living at my parents. I said no, and that I was working on some things for myself. I didn't expand.
I can tell he is lonely.
I didn't reach out my hand to comfort (like I do) or turn it into a R convo..... as much as I wanted too.
I know he is looking for some huge uplifting thrill. He just can't seem to find it... although, he is working way too much to have the opportunity.
I feel that when I pull back, so does he. I am really surprized that given the amount of space and time I have given, that he has not come towards me. I am discouraged. He seems so sad.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I guess I should add, he also mentioned that someone he knows died, and another is wearing 2 bags, and then the accidents he sees/hears. He is greatful for his sitch. He also mentioned that he is greatful to me for our business success, as he doesn't think it comes across.
T^2 - I know its not alot compared to others, but based on HIM, and all the comments along the way. In the beginning he was so greatful that I was giving him time, he used to hug me... now, it feels like he is pulling away further. I would have bet my life on the fact he was coming back, if I could back off. I dont get it.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
They will come forward, back away, come forward, go left, go right, back away, go center, come forward...
This mlc thing isn't a "one and done" thing...
Last summer my W started to warm up, this last fall, back to depression and backed away and wanting out of the M, now she "appears" to be warming up...rH's H would do the same, warm, cold, close, distant, etc...
Ever tame a feral cat?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Im just so worried, that what "IF" his exciting thrill that he seems to be looking for, turns out to be another woman?
I know not yet... AT ALL! But, in the near or future theres a possibility right? And that wouldn't be part of a MLC, as it didn't take place in the beginning.
Im discouraged, he was so loving and affectionate and greatful for the gift I was giving him of time. I thought for sure he loved me and would want me back, If i could give him time.... I have. What happened? He seems to go the other way now?
I don't recall rH's hubby ever really leaving her? He was always intimate with her.
T^2 where is your signature?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, While in MLC, they can pursue, pick up or drop the other person. There is nothing that states they only look for a partner at the beginning. Open your eyes and read the other postings...many may have 1, 2, or more partners before it's over and done with.
You do realize that no matter how much you worry, it's not going to fix his issues? You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. He is the only one that can do it.
If you are discouraged now, what are you going to be in a year or so? Your journey technically is just beginning. Yes, he's grateful for the time and believe me, he's been working in overdrive on his business and thinking of renovating the home he shares w/his mother. Some of the mlcers will become workaholics or take on projects to help ease the inner turmoil so that they don't have to think about those issues that are so painful.
What happened? Nothing has happened. He's on his own journey and right now, that doesn't include you in the equation except for work. There is no magic pill that is going to cure him over night. He's not going to snap out of it just because you've been nice or given him space. It takes time and more time for his to heal his inner soul. I suggest that you read up on MLC because it sounds to me, from your postings, you don't have a true clue as to what it is.
rH's husband did move out and they've had their ups and downs. But you know what? She listened to the advice she was provided and read the postings and gave him plenty of space, time and understanding. She learned to work on herself and be there for him when and if he should need her for a sounding board. She became a very independent lady who showed him that she could make it on her own, if need be.
If you want to really get through this and have a viable chance of reconcilation, you will need to LISTEN to what the posters have been telling you. Everything he does is not about YOU. Learn to live your life as if he is never coming back.
Wonka posted on LindaM's thread that it took Wonka 5.5 years to work through the MLC crisis. Your h's could be shorter or it could be longer, it depends up him, not you. So, sit down and start printing off your threads and really read what others have posted to you. You continue to ask the same thing over and over again and you are going to get the same answers over and over again...it takes as long as it takes for him to work through his crisis. There is nothing you can do to speed it up, but you can slow it down by being needy. He needs to keep his focus on him and work through is issues.
As for co-dependency meetings and alanon meetings, until you are willing to listen and do the work, they aren't going to help you. No one else can fix you...only you can decide when you want to be more independent and be a new and improved self. I know you can do whatever you set your mind to do...So get to work.
Start working on Magic. You can do this because I know you can be a spitfire when you want to be. Now, take the anger you are going to have against me after reading this and get to work on YOU!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't include the typical signature for privacy reasons, just in case W happens upon here...whether it would work or not is debatable.
But, in short: -W's father dies summer 2008 -W has EA with old HS BF summer 2009, starts distancing, depressed. EA is cheating on his wife with my W and at least one other M woman. -IC and I, thionking it was garden variety affair, work to stop it spring 2010. -Things good until spring 2011, depression, questioning, distancing, etc... -Summer 2011 phase 2 starts with BD, replay, online cyber-sex chat and vidchat, multiple EA's and at least 1 PA 2012 that ended Jan 2013. -April 2013 BD #3. D discussed, etc. -Now "MAYBE" thinking of POSSIBLY working on M. I just don't know because she hasn't told me either way, but actions seem to imply she wants to try, even if just for the kids sake...again, I just don't know.
Maybe re-read rH's threads from the beginning, or anyone's really.
You need to give this a lot more time, imo.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just thought that because he isnt having an A now, and hasn't from the beginning...that by the time one happens, it might be the THRILL he is seeking and the beginning of a REAL relationship. One that has nothing to do with MLC anymore.
My friend invited me to go to her house in Florida for a week, to spend with her husband, neices, and another friend of ours and her son,. I am struggling how to go. I want to and I dont.
I will read rH's sitch again, and I have done ALOT of work for myself. The co-d meetings however dont seem to apply. I get ALOT more out of reading the book.
Just today, I didn't reach out and "fix" my h... I sat and listened. (180)
H and I just discussed excluding me from his Moms bday. It wasnt necessarily intentional, just last minute and not a big deal. However he did say that it wouldnt have been awkward if I was there. He proceeded to say how he wants to be comfy around everyone, if he ever ran into my parents. He would sit or say hi with them. But, feels they are avoiding him.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Right now his drug of choice is his work and renovating thoughts. Nothing says that he may be one of those that will have an affair, but it's always possible. Your h strikes me as he may be somewhere in replay and as you know, in replay anything can happen. I would suggest that you table thoughts of an affair and leave that one alone unless you see or hear something otherwise.
Why are you struggling w/a decision about Florida? Go and have fun. You need a break and hopefully you'll think of something other than your h. Nothing drastic is going to happen in a week. It's just what the doctor would order up. It will do you good.
I just posted some info on PON's thread about support programs and I did address your comments about your co-dependency support group. Magic, I think you may have the wrong impression about them. They aren't there to offer you suggestions or fix your problems. They are there to give you an outlet to talk about you and your problems. By being in the room and listening to others, you are not only lending support, but you are also going to gain some knowledge from listening that may help you along the way. The same would apply as to when you visit a shrink, they listen and ask questions, but they do not always offer advice. They want you to do the work on yourself.
Unless there is an issue w/the business or some other situation that requires your attention, I would plan to go to Florida for the week. This would be a 180 for you because you would be making a decision to do something on your own w/o your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
