Sorry, Myrrh, but if you did that you'd only be trying to run from yourself... and I have news for you, girl: it does not work.
You cannot run and make it go away by starting another R that will magically 'cure' all your wounds. OK, you can do it, but what will happen is that you will repeat in your new R the same dysfunctional patterns that got you and your H to this point. And you will ot know how to deal with them any better than you do now. So you will have two options: fix them or run away again and restart the cycle. In any case, you will be hurt again and you will hurt your new partner and your son. The bb is full of people whose spouses never learned that lesson... they and their families are paying for that in blood and tears...
And if you are going to fix those patterns, why not try now and give your son's family a chance?
The mature way out is to analyze yourself and your R and learn from your mistakes so that you are not condemned to repeat them. If that saves your M, great. If not, you get a divorce, mourn properly your lost M and then you'll be ready to find someone else for real. You'll be a more mature and better person for all you have gone through. But there is not such a thing as the magic pill that fixes a R...
Just thought you needed a reality check...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
((((Opt)))) Thanks, and you're right. I guess I was just at a really, really low point and since I can't see the big picture, it just seems like things will be this hard forever.
And it's weird - sometimes it's at that lowest point when things start to look a little better and the sun peeks through the trees.
H came over last night, and it was so GREAT. Not any big scary talks, just spending time together, snuggling on the couch, and then (which I was completely not expecting). I had to bite my tongue a few times to avoid bringing up things I knew would make the tension come back, but it was worth it!I think this can work as long as I give it some time, and learn when to speak, and when to just let things happen.
You're right Opt. I want to be able to say (when and if this is over, which I'm not thinking its going to be) that I did everything I could to save it and to work on myself.
Thanks again for the reality check - I needed it.
Things are better right now. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I'm only stopping here to say hi for the evening. Opt has a wonderful handle on patience and DBing, so I think her experience should speak volumes.
She's got a heart of gold and the endurance of an Olympic skater...
You'll figure this out. I know it's hard. Some days look brighter than others, but in grand scheme of things what really counts is how far you've come and what you've learned.
So consider yourself hugged.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Okay, under threat of chomping (eek!), here's my update. H spent the night Sunday night and it was absolutely lovely. Monday evening we played our game until almost 2 in the morning. My uncle (who is my childcare provider) had to have tests for his CAD (as in heart disease, not drafting), so H was going to watch S during the day before his bloodborne pathogens class (required for the licensing for his business). Well, I ended up having a snow day from work, but H was already on his way when I found out I didn't have to go in. He walked in shaking snow off his shoes and carrying a bag full of McDonald's food. (breakfast for all of us - pancakes for the little guy and bacon, egg, and cheese bicuits for us. I apologised to him for making him come out in the snow for now reason, and (to my surprise) he said "I would have come over anyway." So he hung out most of the day, we napped and snuggled and (again, not at all something I expected). Then when he tried to leave for his class, his car battery was dead, so I told him he could borrow mine (then I'd get to see him again, but I didn't tell him that ). So he came back at around eight (after the shop closed) and took us to Walmart - all was going just fine until he showed me that he was buying padlocks and inside latches for the bedrooms in the bottom half of his shop (he, his partner, and their assistant guy all live down there). That actual real reason he bought them was because the shop isn't zoned for residential, and the city inspectors have been sniffing around - they just come in and look around if the shop is unlocked. Don't you just love how responsible and permanent his choice of residences is? Anyway, I flew off the handle, and accused him of putting inside latches on the doors so he could get it on (I kid you not - direct quote) with some woman and not have anyone walk in. Now, I have no reason to think he has an ow - the actual OW moved three hours away (back to her parents' house, cuz she's only 19 and she had to get treatment for borderline personality disorder). I just freaked out - I thought it was a message that he was settling in at the shop and was never coming home and I kinda lost it. Well, we went home, and I told him I was just really scared he was never coming back. He didn't say a whole lot, and left. A little while later (after S was in bed - it was 9p at this point) he called and asked if I wanted to play a little. We played for a while, and I pm'ed him and told him I was sorry, I felt I'd overreacted, and I didn't know what had gotten into me. He said "I don't know either" and we went on with the game.
Well, last night we were trying to play while S was still awake - so I was on and off at the keyboard, and I got really frustrated with S, and I called H and told him that I was going to drop him off with him tomorrow (I really love my son, so don't think I would actually do this - it was more an "I'm tired of doing this alone" statment). Then I hung up on him. After I calmed S down and took care of the huge mess that prompted the call in the first place, I called back. Then I told him that if he would come and stay with S some nights, I would stay elsewhere. He offered to come over the next night - tonight (I don't think I am going to have him do that, because I have stuff I need to do at home without H underfoot ) After i put S to bed, I got back on the computer and we had a great night playing. I still figured I'd blown everything, but today he called me shortly after 12 at work to talk about - nothing. Just kind of rambled for awhile, being chatty (this from the guy who HATES talking on the phone). (whew - deep breath) Our one-year anniversary is this weekend, and I had asked my mom to take S a long time ago. She asked me about it this week, so I said I would talk to H and see what he thought. Well, I asked him one night when we were online otgether, and he said "Have her take him." That made me happy, because it means he at least wants to spend SOME time with me for our anniversary. In the past, occasions like this have always been bad because I get really weirded out that and think he is going to forget (he never has). Then I get mad at him for forgetting it beforehand, and try to control what we do and when we do it, and heaven help him if he deviates from that plan!!!! My mom asked me today if he was going to work on Saturday, and I said I didn't know. So I called him and asked him. He said I don't know, probably (in a teasing tone) and then said why? do you have something special planned? I said no. And he said "so I just get to spring everything on you?" I said "I guess so." Then I said, " So you don't want me to ask what we're doing?" And he said "That's right, so be quiet. (again he was teasing)In the past, he has told me he really wants to surprise me on special occasions, but when I talk to him about it or get mad because I think he is just gong to ignore it, that ruins it for him. So - I a going to try to go with the flow. S will be gone all weekend, so I am going to concentrate on catching up with my housework and such as a Plan B in case H pulls something squirrelly and really doesn't want to do anything. Not trying to control this terrifies me! Any pointers or observations, guys? Thankies, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
What am I going to do with you? You have so much potential and lots of hope, so I'm going to crack the whip.
Girl, are you a crazymaker? Do you want to know what that entails? When you get an hour or so, grab a beer or glass of wine and go back through my threads and Cycler's too.
I want you to jot down ideas when you read and then tell me what you think.
Because I'm going to have to teach you the ropes here.
First on the agenda is to button the lip. While I have to laugh at your description of poor residential choices for your H, this guy is celebrating your anniversary.
Let's help him make the occasion something TO celebrate rather than run from in the future.
So grab a pad of paper and a pen and I want you to get to work.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I just got home from Walmart (God, I hate that place) and thought I'd do a quick login before hopping in the bath with D6... I saw your note to me on my thread.
I hope that it's a cathartic cry, friend. Because I see some similarities in our behaviors... well, at least I can honestly say that I've successfully been able to keep that in check with a lot of help.
I still vividly remember my first post to Cycler--it was frightening and my stomach hurt from the flip flops as we really delved into this. Someday, she can help me write that book--with Meredith's help. Because I believe that you were cut from the same cloth as me and my fellow shark, Anchor.
Read back... BTW, Cycler (Trish) is not a crazymaker. Her H is. So don't get too confused by the fact that we explored this together (and I really hope she is alright--I miss her).
Now I'm changing my next order to do a bit of pampering. This knowledge is a blow, and I can guess that you're feeling a little low.
The good news is that you don't have to reinvent the wheel to get through this stuff--you have me and Meredith to help with the crazymaking, and the rest of the Piecing crew to help you with the myriad other issues that will pop up.
So promise me that you'll really celebrate with your H, okay? Become the woman he can't live without. We'll help you with the crazymaking.
Big bear hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Okay - I need some MAJOR intervention here, or I am going to swallow a fish whole (even though this is not his fault).
I have to go pay a bill today, so I got ready to leave the house early, since I don't have to go in to work until noon. I went outside, loaded the car, lugged S through te snow, got him strapped in, and sat down. I put the key in the ignition, and got...a low grumbly grind - the sound of a dead, cold-sapped battery. Well, since it's 10:30 am and DH doesn't go to bed until 3 in the morning, he won't be up for at least a couple of hours. I know the car thing wasn't his fault, but the fact that he is completely unavailable before noon, and he doesn't even turn the shop's answering machine on, REALLY pisses me off. He is sleeping away down in the basement with not a care in the world, completely unable to hear the phone upstairs, while I'm here dealing with real life, taking care of OUR son, worrying about all these bills. AUUGGH! I can NOT throw these feelings at him when I finally do get him on the phone, because I know that it will deteriorate into a fight VERY quickly. Give me some ideas for this conversation (ones that don't include "you lazy...", "why the hell can't I ever get you on the phone before noon", "what the hell is wrong with you", or anything like that. I know this makes me sound like a huge B, but I am just trying to avert what I know would usually happen. Thanks for any input, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Take a deep breath and relax. Look at it from another POV...
What if your H's car broke down on his way home at 3 am and he was angry because your sleep schedule wasn't the same? He called you because you are the one person he knows who will help him, despite everything, and he starts his convo yelling, "You lazy woman, get up and help me! I'm so frustrated!"
Your reply would probably be less than nice or cooperative.
Now do you see how that might be perceived?
Call him and ask if he can help you out. If not, do you have a friend who is awake and willing to offer help?
I know you'll choose wisely, Luke Skywalker.
Hugs,
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
(which I was completely not expecting). I had to bite my tongue a few times to avoid bringing up things I knew would make the tension come back, but it was worth it!I think this can work as long as I give it some time, and learn when to speak, and when to just let things happen.
Things are better right now.
). So he came back at around eight (after the shop closed) and took us to Walmart - all was going just fine until he showed me that he was buying padlocks and inside latches for the bedrooms in the bottom half of his shop (he, his partner, and their assistant guy all live down there). That actual real reason he bought them was because the shop isn't zoned for residential, and the city inspectors have been sniffing around - they just come in and look around if the shop is unlocked. Don't you just love how responsible and permanent his choice of residences is?
)